Features of the New Weight-Loss Car, The Chevy Jolt

• Special GPS navigation system calculates route that bypasses all donut shops
• Sensor shuts down engine if it catches whiff of bacon
• Glove compartment replaced with salad crisper
• Driver’s-side window won’t roll down to discourage fast-food drive-thrus
• Digital gas gauge, scale and body fat indicator
• Rear view mirror makes your face look much, much slimmer
• Seat belts have measurements printed on them.
• Has a "uretor" instead of a "carburetor"
  
• OnStar-ve diagnostics system senses when you’re weakening and has Jillian’s voice mercilessly screech at you
• Air bags filled with low-fat popcorn
• Runs out of gas intermittently to make you walk more
• V8 engine actually dispenses V8 vegetable juice through dashboard
• Brake really hard to depress to work driver’s calf muscle
• Air conditioner emits foul odor to suppress appetite
• Radio plays nothing but Jack Sh*t song parodies