Thursday, August 26, 2010

Grocery Shopping Tips



  • It's bad to shop while you're hungry, so eat a large pizza before you go.

  • Avoid glow-in-the-dark foods.


  • To get in more of a workout on your shopping trip, remove the wheels of your cart.


  • Read labels. Aloud. Loudly. Frequently add scoffing noises and pompous "harrumphs".


  • Nothing will get your heart rate up faster than bringing a small child to the store.

  • Shrilly scream every time you pick up a product that contains High 
Fructose Corn Syrup.


  • Stay out of the snack and cookie aisle. The wonderfully magical and delicious snack and cookie aisle.


  • If they’re out of rice cakes, you can just pick up an air conditioner filter and gnaw on that instead.


  • The best way to tell how fresh the fruits and vegetables are is to give them a good squeeze. The same holds true for canned fruits and veggies.


  • Marshmallows are fat free? Are you sh*ttin' me? I mean, are you sh*ttin' me?

  • To save money, peel bananas before buying them… why pay for heavy banana skins you may not even eat?


  • Make a list and strictly to it. If you stray from it even slightly, ram your cart into the display at the end of the aisle, drop down to your knees and wail "Whhhhhhhyyyyyy!!!!!"

  • 
Don't buy convenience foods (unless you happen to have a coupon).


  • Shop for everything you need in alphabetical order.

  • 
Instead of buying a bunch of beer, merely "sample" a few. Most stores don't mind you cracking open a can or two and trying them as long as nobody sees you do it.

25 comments:

  1. You are crazy. Then again- so am I, which explains why I laughed at this like my own personal freakshow over hee-ya...
    It resembled the hyenas from Lion King. "Moo-Fat-sa."

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  2. When I check-out, I line the items up "OCD" style.
    That's gotta count for something, right?

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  3. Ugh, so true in that nothing will get your heart rate up faster than bringing a small child to the store. It will also get you in and out faster which may just be a good thing.

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  4. grabs wrench and tosses in purse.

    Im so in for the cartwheelsremoval!

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  5. Great list. My inner cheapskate really likes that banana idea.

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  6. Why do people peel the corn husk off before they by it? It's not sold by the pound.

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  7. There is a sign at our grocery store. It says "You MAY NOT SHUCK CORN HERE." It's an epidemic.

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  8. Very funny. Though the small child one is deadly serious. I'll gouge my eyes out before I return to the grocery store with my toddler.

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  9. Your mind is so demented! But in a good way! I love the HFCS one!

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  10. I can't believe I didn't realize I was paying for banana skins all this time!

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  11. I suspect all those people who say crap like "I got $158 worth of groceries for $17" are filling up their cart with go-gurt, pop tarts and glade airwicks. Don't they know you can't eat air freshener?

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  12. Oh my gosh, the fat-free marshmallows one is cracking me up! Great tip list!

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  13. The air filter trick just might work....

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  14. I find getting a cart with a dicky wheel is just as good a workout. I just spend 30 minutes trying to force it to go straight and "inadvertently" hitting screaming children. Great upper body work out!

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  15. Really you can't shuck corn there? All my stores have a bin for you to toss the husks in so they can be composted....maybe it's just a middle of nowhere thing?

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  16. HAHAHA. I am going to do all of these things. Except the air filter one...

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  17. Marshmallows! Those things gave me a struggle a few days ago and well, the marshmallows won. I ate TOO many! I enjoy your blog Mr. Sh*t.

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  18. aahhh, you crack me up! So true about the small child---I get the best workout when I bring all 3 with me. :)

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  19. I like the shrilly scream for HFCS! I'm going to try that out tonight, see how it goes over. ;-)

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  20. Waitaminute...why have I been paying for banana skins all this time?!?!

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  21. You are so funny. And I always read the comments you get... you bring out the inner kook in people!

    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  22. "If they’re out of rice cakes, you can just pick up an air conditioner filter and gnaw on that instead.
"

    My favorite--too funny! However, they do taste pretty good if you put some salsa or almond butter on top.

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  23. ROFL! I just spit water all over my monitor while reading this. Good stuff, Jack! :)

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  24. Yeah.... beer came out my nose!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    WeighDownSouth.com

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  25. My exercise for today is going to be taking my two small children to the market.

    And the only way I can get through it is to sample some beer (or wine coolers).

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