More Tips for Healthy Grocery Shopping

• Build strong arm muscles by carrying grocery cart around the store.

• The only way to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe is to thump the produce guy and say “Hey, is this cantaloupe ripe, Produce Guy?”

• Aisle sprints. GO!

• Stretch your arm muscles by reaching for several cans of pork-n-beans on the very top shelf for that nice little old lady, even if nice little old lady insists that she doesn’t want ‘em.

• Tape coupons to bricks to give yourself more of a workout.

• Some stores give out free samples of exotic cheeses. These samples are completely devoid of calories and fat, or so I’ve led myself to believe for some dumbass reason.

• Lead the guys in the lobster tank to a rousing Zumba session!

• Don’t buy products with high-fructose corn syrup and – for God’s sake – don’t even think about buying products with low-fructose corn syrup!

• Buy whole wheat bread, whole wheat pasta and… yeah, yeah… go ahead and buy whole wheat everything! Yes, that includes a whole-wheat copy of Cosmo!

Grocery Shopping Tips

• It's bad to shop while you're hungry, so eat a large pizza before you go.


• Avoid glow-in-the-dark foods.

  
  
• To get in more of a workout on your shopping trip, remove the wheels of your cart.

  
  
• Read labels. Aloud. Loudly. Frequently add scoffing noises and pompous "harrumphs".

  
  
• Nothing will get your heart rate up faster than bringing a small child to the store.
  
  
• Shrilly scream every time you pick up a product that contains High 
Fructose Corn Syrup.

  
  
• Stay out of the snack and cookie aisle. The wonderfully magical and delicious snack and cookie aisle.

  
  
• If they’re out of rice cakes, you can just pick up an air conditioner filter and gnaw on that instead.

  
  
• The best way to tell how fresh the fruits and vegetables are is to give them a good squeeze. The same holds true for canned fruits and veggies.

  
  
• Marshmallows are fat free? Are you sh*ttin' me? I mean, are you sh*ttin' me?
  
  
• To save money, peel bananas before buying them… why pay for heavy banana skins you may not even eat?

  
  
• Make a list and strictly to it. If you stray from it even slightly, ram your cart into the display at the end of the aisle, drop down to your knees and wail "Whhhhhhhyyyyyy!!!!!"
  
  
• 
Don't buy convenience foods (unless you happen to have a coupon).

  
  
• Shop for everything you need in alphabetical order.
  
  
• 
Instead of buying a bunch of beer, merely "sample" a few. Most stores don't mind you cracking open a can or two and trying them as long as nobody sees you do it.