Saturday, October 15, 2011

How Do You Eat A Whale?

I started working on this post about taking a one-bite-at-a-time attitude to your weight loss efforts, but then I realized that the title of the post was a bit misleading. I remembered that many of my Eskimo readers (Hi, Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh) would take the title literally and would be expecting whale-preparation tips. Once I get going with one of these blog entries, I really hate to change directions, so I suppose this post should actually be titled “How Do You Eat A Whale, Both Literally and Figuratively?”

Well, obviously… first you need to catch a whale. Lucky for you, I have some experience with this. I went on a whale-watching boat trip a couple of summers ago down in Sayulita, Mexico. Our boat came in nice and tight on several of the buggers, and I can tell you this from first-hand experience: they’re big. I’m just not sure that your average rod-and-reel is going to be able to handle one of these mothers. I’m certainly no fishing expert, but I’d go with a Shimano Spheros 18000FB with the Paladin gear-enhancement, higher line capacity and cold-forged spools with improved drag-systems. And don’t forget the worms!

Let’s just assume, for a minute, that you can’t catch a whale. Don’t feel too bad; I couldn’t either (I didn’t have my fishing gear with me; what’s your excuse?). There’s a simple solution, my friend. Just go over to Japan where they sell fresh whale, frozen whale, canned whale, cubed whale, dried whale, pickled whale and whale-on-a-stick. Can’t get to Japan? Geez, don’t you know how to use MapQuest yet, stupid?

So now you’ve got yourself a nice hunk of juicy whale meat. Now what?

I found this recipe for Whale Stew on the internet. Have you ever started making something and you didn’t check the ingredient list to make sure your cupboard was stocked with everything you need to make the dish? That’s exactly what happened to me on this one. Don’t be a dumbass like me: check and make sure that you have all the ingredients you need before you start cooking.

Whale Stew


1 (105 ton) Whale
1,896 lbs Onions
7,326 lbs Potatoes
1,908 gallons Tomato Sauce
2,276 lbs Carrots
927 lbs Celery
104 lbs Salt
76 lbs Black Pepper
52 gallons Tabasco Sauce

Directions: Place whale in pot with tomato sauce. Cook at 300 degrees for 4 hours. Add onions, potatoes, carrots, celery, salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce. Simmer 36 hours. Serves 347,161 people.

Truthfully, this recipe is just “okay.” If I make it again, I’m gonna add a pinch of oregano.

Let’s say that you’re just trying to learn more about figuratively eating a whale, you know, like losing a whole lot of weight. Well, in that case you should just take it “one bite at a time.” Sorry, I was going to write a lot more about the subject, but I used up too much space for the Eskimos (Message to Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh: “Inuktitut (goodbye) and have an ‘ice’ weekend!”.

Next time, I’ll try to put the weight loss stuff first.


  1. How many weight watcher points is a 105 tonne whale?

  2. We have whale steaks here in Norway as well. It's either very chewy and tastes like a bad cod liver oil.... or they are tender like you wouldn't believe and taste amazing. It's all in the hands of the chef. :)

  3. Aaaahhhh, Jack.... This is ONE OF YOUR BEST POSTS YET, and I have been a fan of yours for about a year!!!! (Actually, this may be my new favorite! Previous fav was the one of your cooking lession where you were attempting to stuff a live chicken into a pot on the stove). I'm sitting in Starbucks attracting attention with all my snorts and screams of laughter!! Definitely going to have to memorize that fishing equipment that you mentioned to use in a sentence as much as possible. That's impressive as hell!!! Ya think Williams-Sonoma or some other overpriced, fancy pots & pans place might have what I need to make that whale my bitch? :-O



Related Posts with Thumbnails