Wednesday, January 30, 2013
• Every time a team scores, everybody does 5-minute touchdown dance
• Six-pack of beets
• Put TV on a spinning turntable so everyone has to keep moving to watch game
• Truvia Trivia (game with questions about “Nature’s Calorie-Free Sweetener”)
• Swedish wheatballs
• Homemade Doritos made out of kale
• Tofu-tball… no it’s not what you think… it’s a football made out of tofu. What? That’s what you thought it was? Damn, are you some kind of psychic?
• Buffalo Wings made from genuine buffalo
• Instead of 7-Layer Dip, try 6-Layer Dip… that’s 14% less layer
• Halftime half-marathon
Monday, January 28, 2013
People ask me, "Jack, you seem to be relying an awful lot on the cuteness of baby puppies to drive traffic to your blog."
I don't answer silly questions like that because... technically, they're not even really questions. I mean, there's no question mark is there?
Do I occasionally slip a puppy into a post?
Do I ask myself questions that I have no intention of answering?
Maybe you hate puppies, and if that's the case, well... I feel sorry for you, my friend.
Puppies are just one of the many health and wellness tools I use to inspire my readers to live a more healthy life.
I don't plan on ever giving up on my weight loss journey, and I've made arrangements so that I have all the puppies I need for as long as I continue blogging.
But stay tuned...
Friday, January 25, 2013
• Instead of joining an expensive fitness center, why not just use the exercise equipment at Sears until the security guard asks you to leave?
• Can’t afford a personal trainer? Try using a puppet that you make shriek at yourself to do more sit-ups.
• Don't be afraid of frozen fruits and vegetables; yes, there’s a chance you could get trapped in the freezer case while reaching for the that bag of green beans, but the likelihood is slim.
• You can make your own Cheeto’s by mixing a little enriched corn meal, vegetable oil whey, salt, cheddar cheese, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, maltodextrin, disodium phosphate, sour cream, artificial flavor, monosodium glutamate, lactic acid, artificial colors (including yellow 6) and citric acid.
• Greek yogurt too expensive? Try regular yogurt with a few Greek olives in it.
• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.
• You can make your own weights by getting a stick and attaching an equal amount of some sort of weight on each end.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Welcome to "Cooking with Jack", the cooking show that, quite frankly, makes other cooking shows look like crap on a stick. Today we're getting extra fancy by making Vichyssoise, which is French for "fancy soup". If you're unsure of how to pronounce it, remember this little rhyme: "The squishy squaw served Vichyssoise to Yo-Yo Ma."
Since we're getting all fancy in here, I'm bringing in my chef-in-training Fauntleroy to assist in my fancy soup-making efforts.
It's a good idea to wash your paws before assembling the ingredients of this creamy potato-leek soup.
Oh my freakin' god! I accidentally bought super mutant green onions! (I'm joshing... those are leeks, dumbass).
Next you need one medium-sized funnel.
"Excuse me, Mister Jack. I believe the recipe calls for fennel, not funnel, dumbass."
Right you are, my good dog-sir. So take one fennel bulb.
"Y'know, Jack... ancient roman texts mention the value of fennel for its aromatic seeds and succulent edible stalks. The ruler Charlemagne promoted its use during medieval times, cultivating the herb on his imperial farms. Fennel root was one of the flavorings used in Sack, an alcoholic drink featuring mead that was popular during Shakespearian times."
Enough interesting facts about fennel, Fauntleroy. Let's get to choppin'!
Slice up the leeks, mostly using the white ends.
Then chop the fennel bulb up, pausing to reflect that your first two ingredients have made your cooking 75% fancier than what you normally cook.
"Haven't you forgotten something, Jack?"
Oh yeah, we're also going to slice up a clove or two of garlic (do NOT make the mistake of slicing up a garlic or two of cloves!)
I also forgot to mention that you really need to wear a tie or fancy sweater when making (or even saying) Vichyssoise.
Don't scorch the butter, even though "scorch" is a really fun word to say. SCORCH! SCORCH!
Now add the leeks, fennel bulb and garlic. It's a good idea to recite French poetry during this step.
Cook that mess for 10-12 minutes; by then it should look a little something like this...
Now stop what you're doing and peel three Yukon Gold potatoes. You can use regular baking potatoes if you want, but have you checked out the price of gold these days?
Dice those mothers up!
Now open a bottle of white wine and drink all but a fourth of a cup or so.
Pour the remaining fourth cup in with the leek-fennel-garlic mix.
Add five cups of water along with the diced potatoes.
Add a sprig of fresh thyme if you have it, or a little diced thyme if your wife isn't home and you don't know which one of the herbs in the garden are thyme and which ones are poison ivy.
Cover and cook on low heat for 40 minutes. It should look like this...
Let us take a moment and admire my color-coordinated kitchenware.
Wow! That was a fast 40 minutes!
When the potatoes get soft, scoop everything up in batches and blend until smooth.
If you lost the top of your blender like I did, use a small plate and don't put setting on "turbo". And make certain that you're assistant doesn't fall in!
Turn off heat, and whisk in a half cup or so of reduced fat sour cream.
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Top with freshly cut chives and... HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!
Serve with a nice glass of... what the? WHO DRANK UP ALL MY WINE?!?
Oh, well. Anyway, now you've got a dish that's fancy enough to serve when you have company over.
"Mmmmmmmmmm! Very vishy!"
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The death of Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o’s beautiful, brave girlfriend Lennay Kekau – widely reported by Sports Illustrated, CBS and many other media outlets — turned out to be an elaborate hoax.
What hasn’t been reported has been the made-up young lady’s remarkable battle with obesity.
The weight started climbing up when she started at her fictional college. She gained the freshman 15, as many so often do, but followed that up with the less-publicized sophomore sixty. Her self-esteem was nonexistent.
And then one day as she was talking to her imaginary roommate Tiffany, she had an epiphany.
Maybe this is all in my mind, she thought. Maybe changing the way I view food and exercise will change things for me.
Six months later, she had lost nearly 100 pounds simply by making good choices and exercising each day. It was almost too much to believe.
We should be sad that this young imaginary girl is gone now, but we should also take a moment to recognize and celebrate the success she enjoyed during her too brief made-up life.
Monday, January 21, 2013
• “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, nor the silence of our friends, but how good we looked in our favorite jeans.”
• “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to remember that being active is a key component to good health.”
• “Let no man pull you so low as to eat an entire cheesecake.”
• “Never, never be afraid to eat what’s right, especially because the well-being of your whole being is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict upon ourselves when we do not control our appetites.”
• “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands on the scale, but how his clothes fit him.”
• “Only in the darkness can you see the stars. And a long walk at night is a great way to burn a few extra calories.”
• “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance, conscientious stupidity and those Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing at Outback Steakhouse.”
• “Everybody can be great...because anybody can get fit. You don’t have to have a college degree to get fit. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to get fit. You only need a heart full of commitment and desire. A soul generated by love of self.”
• “Ice cream anywhere is a threat to waistlines everywhere.”
• “If a man is called to be a blogger, he should blog even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should blog so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great blogger who did his job well… way better than that Jack Sh*t fella.'”
• “Healthiness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”
• “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree, because apples are low in calories,contain no saturated fats or cholesterol and are rich in dietary fiber.”
• “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by how much they weigh, but by the content of their character.”
• “I’ve been to the mountaintop… do you realize what an incredibly effective workout hiking is?”
• “There comes a time when one must take the position that is neither comfortable nor fun nor easy, but he must do it because his body tells him it is right.”
• “No person has the right to rain on your dreams or make fun of the way you do push-ups. GIRL PUSH-UPS AREN’T NECESSARILY JUST FOR GIRLS!.”
• “Life’s two most persistent and urgent questions are 'What are you doing for others?' and 'Do you really need to eat that entire basket of fries?'”
• “Fat-free at last, fat-free at last, Thank God almighty I’ve found a good-tasting yogurt that’s fat-free at last.”
• “The day we see the truth and cease to overeat is the day we begin to diet.”