Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Booty and the Beast
Damn, it sure pains me to see you, Jack Sh*t,
Sitting there after a gain.
Don’t you know better than eating Chinese?
Lots of sodium in that chow mein.
There’s no way to lose when you’re eating like that.
Your poundage is still way too high.
Your shirts don’t fit right and your pants are too tight,
And it’s not very hard to see why…
No one snacks like Jack Sh*t.
Drinks six-packs like Jack Sh*t.
Splits a rip in the ass of his slacks like Jack Sh*t.
No, there’s no one around quite as portly.
He’s true that he just ate a ton.
And if he doesn’t change things up shortly,
He won’t have much longer, in the long run.
No one drinks like Jack Sh*t.
Pulls high jinks like Jack Sh*t.
No one has a Twitter feed that stinks like Jack Sh*t.
Check the scale, yes, he’s still inflating.
What a lard-ass, that Jack Sh*t!
Eat five hot dogs,
Eat twelve bags of chips.
Jack Sh*t can’t pull his pants over his hips.
Now… no one diets like Jack Sh*t.
No one writes like Jack Sh*t.
No one works out in sparkly tights like Jack Sh*t.
Oh, his physique is nowhere as lumpy,
Yes, now he’s a workout machine.
Look, his biceps are getting more bumpy.
And every last inch of him’s getting more lean.
No one runs like Jack Sh*t.
Shows his guns like Jack Sh*t.
Has quit eating hamburger buns like Jack Sh*t.
I'm especially good at blog commentating!
Ten points for Jack Sh*t!
When I was too fat, I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large.
Now these days I know eating four dozen eggs,
Leaves you roughly the size of a barge!
No one jogs like Jack Sh*t
(more like “slogs” like Jack Sh*t).
No one writes such ridiculous blogs like Jack Sh*t.
I use protein whey in all of my smoothie-making.
Tweet it today,
He drinks lite cabernet,
And then tweet it some more,
He lifts weights ‘til he’s sore.
Who’s a super hot mess?
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his friends getting fit.
There’s just one guy in town whose weight’s coming down,
And his name's J-A-C-K- S-H- ummmmmm…