Be Obese


Jackiere:

Ma chere Fatemoiselle,
It is with deepest pride 

And greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.

And now we invite you to relax,
Let us pull up a 
chair as the dining room proudly presents - 

your second dinner!



Be obese!
Be obese!

All your foodstuff cooked in grease.

Tie your napkin ‘round your neck, cherie.

Let the eating never cease.

Soup du jour,

Hot hors d'oeuvres’ll

Help you broaden out those curves.

Try the grey stuff 

So delicious.

Who cares that it’s not nutritious?

Hide the scale, let out your pants.
Grow as large as all of France.

Eat like me and you will never look your best.

Order the whole menu,

Eat it all and then you’ll

Be obese.

So obese.
Be obese!

Jackiere and Chorus:


Maybe not
.
Who can say?

You have a say in what you weigh!

Jackiere:


It’s time to batten down the hatches
And just leap into the fray.

You're not alone
,
We’re right there, too.

And we’ll take each step with you.

No more excuses or complaining
.
Let’s put an end to all this gaining.

I tell jokes! I run miles

With my fellow pedometer-philes.


Chorus:


And it all gets good results

That you can bet

Come on and work your ass.

We’re gonna lose some mass.

Not be obese.

Jackiere:

If you're stressed

It’s exercise that I suggest.




Chorus:

Not be obese!
Be obese!
Be obese!



Jackiere:


Life is so unnerving
,
When your curves are over-curving.
Feel like spit, pants don’t fit when they’re put on.


But, the good old days are still before us...

We can turn from a fat duckling into a swan.

For years we’ve just been stalling,

Eating habits were appalling.

Needing exercise, a chance to move our bods!
If we keep spending all our time being

Flabby, fat and lazy

We’ll soon be dead as Patrick Swayze!


Chorus:


Don’t be obese! Be obese!
Give your life a brand new lease.

When your body’s not so shoddy then you’ll 

Finally know some peace.

With each meal, each workout

You’ll be leaving little doubt
That your healthy future’s showing
.
There’s no telling where you’re going!

Pounds go down, one by one

'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
And we all shout “Congrats” at your big decrease
.
So let’s all get fit together
,
Do our best to never ever

Be obese!

Be obese!

Be obese
!
Don’t be obese!

Tale As Old As Time...

Pants as large as France. 

Big as they can be.

Barely even fits,

Then the rear end splits
Unexpectedly.



Time to make a change.

Small at the very least.

Now that I am focused,

I think I may have noticed,

Booty has decreased.



Never giving up.

Never giving in.

Never eating crap.

Never the last lap;
This race is ours to win. 



Pants not big as France.
Fit me like a glove
Oh-so sweet and fine,
Off-brand Calvin Klein.
Looking great (sort of).

Heading down to goal,
Crappy eating ceased.

Keeping really busy.
Work out ‘til I’m dizzy. 

Booty has decreased.

Keeping really busy.
(Please don’t sue me, Disney) 

Booty has decreased.

Booty and the Beast

Damn, it sure pains me to see you, Jack Sh*t,
Sitting there after a gain.
Don’t you know better than eating Chinese?
Lots of sodium in that chow mein.
There’s no way to lose when you’re eating like that.
Your poundage is still way too high.
Your shirts don’t fit right and your pants are too tight,
And it’s not very hard to see why…

No one snacks like Jack Sh*t.
Drinks six-packs like Jack Sh*t.
Splits a rip in the ass of his slacks like Jack Sh*t.
No, there’s no one around quite as portly.
He’s true that he just ate a ton.
And if he doesn’t change things up shortly,
He won’t have much longer, in the long run.

No one drinks like Jack Sh*t.
Pulls high jinks like Jack Sh*t.

No one has a Twitter feed that stinks like Jack Sh*t.

Check the scale, yes, he’s still inflating.

What a lard-ass, that Jack Sh*t!



Eat five hot dogs,

Eat twelve bags of chips.
Jack Sh*t can’t pull his pants over his hips.

Now… no one diets like Jack Sh*t.

No one writes like Jack Sh*t.
No one works out in sparkly tights like Jack Sh*t.
Oh, his physique is nowhere as lumpy,
Yes, now he’s a workout machine.
Look, his biceps are getting more bumpy.
That’s right!
And every last inch of him’s getting more lean.



No one runs like Jack Sh*t.

Shows his guns like Jack Sh*t.
Has quit eating hamburger buns like Jack Sh*t.

I'm especially good at blog commentating!

Ten points for Jack Sh*t!



When I was too fat, I ate four dozen eggs

Every morning to help me get large.

Now these days I know eating four dozen eggs,

Leaves you roughly the size of a barge!
 


No one jogs like Jack Sh*t
(more like “slogs” like Jack Sh*t).
No one writes such ridiculous blogs like Jack Sh*t.
I use protein whey in all of my smoothie-making.
Tweet it today,

He drinks lite cabernet,

And then tweet it some more,

He lifts weights ‘til he’s sore.

Who’s a super hot mess?

Don't you know? Can't you guess?

Ask his fans and his friends getting fit.

There’s just one guy in town whose weight’s coming down,

And his name's J-A-C-K-
S-H- ummmmmm…

S-H-ASTERISK-T


JACK SH*T!!!