Things I Hope Are Heard At My Funeral

• “I don’t know what’s more surprising, that he was the world’s oldest man or that he broke the record by so many years.”

• “Damn, that is one fit corpse!”

• “Look, he’s moving. JACK’S NOT REALLY DEAD!”

• “I really regret lending Mr. Sh*t all that money now…”

• “See those jeans he’s being buried in? 32 inch waist!”

• “Did you see his last Facebook status? All it said was “Somebody’s having party with bright white light and a bunch of angels singing. I’m gonna go bitch them out!”

• “Twitter is having an ‘140-character’ moment of silence in honor of Jack.”

• “I guess Brad Pitt’s here because he played Jack in the movie.”

• “I’m just glad we ironed out the cloning process before he kicked the bucket.”

• “Damn… I miss his blog already.”