You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

In case you're new to these parts, I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a handy little electronic doodad that, through a strange mix of science and sorcery, tracks your daily movement and converts in to calories burned. The DirectLife program also includes ongoing communication with your own personal coach... or at least I thought it did until I received the following email...

Dear dear Jack,



This is actually going to be a Dear Jack letter. ;-(  (aka Dear John..)



You see, I am taking on a new role within DirectLife and this means that I will no longer be your coach. This makes me sad dear Jack, however I know that I will be able to keep up to date on your progress by reading your blog - thankfully!



What does this mean for you? My colleague Erin will be your coach. She will have access to your activity data and I'll bring her up to speed on your excellent progress so far.



If you have any concerns please do let me know. We all want to ensure that you feel well taken care of and that you continue to have the support during your DirectLife program.



Jack, it has been a grand pleasure working with you! Your humor, enthusiasm, dedication and motivation is always so wonderful to work with and so often you brought a big smile to my face just when I saw that there was an email from you. Like Sleepless in Seattle.

Thank you. I sincerely hope that you have learned a thing or two about activity while working with me and that you carry these with you asyou continue with DirectLife - and beyond!

All the best in your journey to the fittest man in the US - I'm on your team and cheering you on every step of the way!



Jen

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen

I'm so sorry that all my bitching and moaning about my broken DirectLife activity monitor has apparently gotten you demoted. I hope you haven't been busted down to Junior Market Intelligence Analyst like my good friend Antonio Galván Puente, but if there's one thing you should take away from the experience, it is this: the customer is always right. When I say the activity monitor broke BEFORE I put it in the dryer, you really need to take my word for it and not make me get on the horn to Old Man Philips and complain about shoddy customer service.



But don't let my stinging words, my harsh criticism or the fact that I got you transferred from a job you love take anything away from our experience together. I hope that we can continue inspiring each other in the future, you being inspired by reading my blog and me being inspired by the fact that you're now paying a monthly subscription fee for reading my blog. It's a win-win situation!

I have a few questions about DirectLife Coach Erin before I sign off on her as my activity partner:



1) Is "DirectLife Coach Erin" really a made-up person and part of an elaborate practical joke on your part, kind of like when I signed up for DirectLife under the funny fake name "Tony Posnanski"?
2) If she is indeed a real person, what's her social security number?

3) If it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit one day and it's twice as cold the next day, how cold is it the next day?

Sleepless in Seattle? Is that the one where Tom Hanks changes into a little boy and gets stuck on a deserted island? (I've been a big Hanks fan every since his first role as Ponzi on Happy Days). I enjoyed our correspondence as well, DirectLife Coach Jen, because it made me more closely examine my activity aspirations and my commitment to my fitness goals and, frankly, the very meaning of life as we understand it.

Good luck on your new assignment, DirectLife Coach Jen, and if you ever need anything, I'll be driving around in my car somewhere. No, wait... I'll be walking or running around somewhere (that is... IF I get my new activity monitor).



It's been a pleasure and a privilege.



Take care,

Jack

Hello Jack,



Remember me? I'm Erin, your new coach, and I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I'm here just as Jen was, to help you through the program and to help you become the fittest man in the US  ;o)



I see that support has gotten a new Activity Monitor sent out, and based on your recent dock this morning, I take it that you've received it? If so, welcome back! Your morning is already off to a great start with activity and I look forward for the days, weeks, and months that are yet to come! 

I'm here if you need anything, Jack, so stay in touch
 and let me know how I can help.



Have a great day!

Erin

Hey DirectLife Coach Erin,



I was saddened and shocked to see that DirectLife Coach Jen had been sacked for stealing office supplies; in hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to open an online store called "DirectLife Coach Jen's Discount Office Supplies," but live and learn...



So now it's time for you to learn a little more about me: I used to be a Gemini, but apparently there's been some shake-up at the Department of Horoscopes and I've been reassigned. I just don't know how I feel about that, DirectLife Coach Erin. I hope you haven't been affected by this astrological atrocity, but if you have, don't worry... we'll get through these dark days together. On the upside, I'm supposed to meet a handsome stranger this week, so I got that to look forward to...



As for activity, I am off to a running start, as you correctly pointed out. I've recently taken a new job as a Knife-Thrower's Assistant's Assistant. Basically, I just help the Knife-Thrower's Assistant with all of her duties and help tie her to the Spinning Wheel of Death. I also have to sharpen knives and sew sequins back onto her costume when they get knocked off. I also have to stand in for her when she's sick. Frankly, it's a lot more responsibility than I'm used to, and so far it's managed to keep me more active than some of my previous jobs.



Anyway, thanks for the note and for the offer to help me achieve my goals. You've got big shoes to fill (seriously, I think DirectLife Coach Jen wore a size 14... freaky!).

Take care,



Jack

Bodfather: A Big Step Backwards

Subject #3 in the "Bodfather"
Witness Reduction Program: Tom

Height: 5' 9"
Starting weight:  437.5
Current Weight: 433
Total loss: -4.5 lbs.

 Call me the Bodfather.

I’m chronicling the stories of five overweight folks as they do what they can to bring positive change in their lives. It’s not a “Biggest Loser” deal; there’s no competition, no grand prize (other than better health and the thrill of wearing skinnier pants). I try to provide some information, encouragement and  support, and I did hook each of them up with a free Philips DirectLife activity monitor. But other than that, I’m not really doing much but watching, waiting and writing. Just like with all of us, it’s a do-it-yourself project.

Tom started out like gangbusters, and I had a hunch he was going to blow the others out of the water. If you ever want to stir up some sh*t (and let’s face it… some of us enjoy sh*t-stirring more than others), lay out the argument that it’s easier for women to lose weight than it is for men. Oh, people will come back at you with a lot of “facts” about how the opposite is actually true, but it makes for a few hours of good, clean fun.

Don’t use this to contradict me the next time I say “It’s easier for women to lose weight than men”, but I’m pretty sure that men have a metabolic advantage in this arena. Simply put, most of us guys (when we put our minds to it) can lose larger amounts faster than the fairer sex. I guess that’s to make up for men being paid less than women in the workplace…

That said, I had Tom pegged as the man to beat, and he proved how smart I was by coming out of the gate like he was shot out of a cannon.

But over the holidays, I started hearing from Tom less and less. While most of the “Bodfather” participants would check in with me every couple of days, weeks would pass without word from the lone male in the “Bod Squad”. It didn’t take a Sh*tlock Holmes to guess that Tom wasn’t burning up the scale.

His last check-in was a pretty casual affair, and I didn’t even get mad until I looked at the numbers and realized that Tom’s nine-week adventure has netted a total loss of 4.5 pounds. loss. At his size, he could lose that in a week if he really wanted to do it. If he really got serious about it.

I’m calling you out, Tom. Talking about how much you want to do this is all well and good, but it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot. Nobody said this was going to be fast and nobody said it was going to be easy, but remember… you’re the one who knocked on my door.

I turned down hundreds of people who were looking for help, Tom. Looking to change their lives for the better. This is a great opportunity, and you’re squandering it.

The people who leave comments here will probably be much nicer to you than I’m being, but that doesn’t change the fact that I think it’s time for you to nut up and start getting after it.

Waste your own time if you want to, but now you’re wasting the rest of ours.

Decide if you want to do this… and do it right… and get back to me.

Bodfather out.

Cooking with Jack: Quesadill-icious!

Welcome to "Cooking with Jack," the cooking show with more flavor and less video. Today's special dish is "Spicy Corn Quesadillas". It should be noted that my recipe is remarkably similar to the one in Moosewood Cooks at Home with a few changes. Actually, all the measurements are doubled in my version, so it's radically different, if you ask me.

 
First, you're gonna want to take a couple of onions and cut them up. Since cutting up onions can make you cry, use my handy invention, The Extendablizing Knife.

 
It's pretty technical, but if you're interested, I can sell you blueprints for how you can make your own.

 
Now grab that bottle of vegetable oil from your bedside table.

 

Add a few galoomps of oil (a "galoomp" is roughly a tablespoon... measuring stuff is overrated).

 
And some garlic. A few cloves or, if you're as lazy as I am, a few squirts of squeezy garlic.

 
Next grate up a couple of carrots. I think carrots taste better if you use a really pretty grater, don't you?

 
*Insert your own carrot/lovely grater lady joke here.*

 
Now... take one of what I refer to as "El Diablo".

 
Now, saute it all up over medium heat until the onions are translucentated.

 
Add two pounds of frozen corn. (Uninteresting fact about corn: an ear of corn averages 800 kernels in 16 rows).

 
Add two pounds of coriander (actually, 2 tbs... I was just seeing if you were paying attention).

 
Four heapin' tbs of ground cumin. It was a superstition during the Middle Ages that cumin kept chickens and lovers from wandering.

And a dash of cayenne heat.

 You're supposed to add some fresh cilantro, but this is optional. I've hated cilantro my whole life, but Anita has always used it liberally in her cooking, until finally she realized 15 or 20 years later than I hate it. Only all that time of actually eating it has made me un-hate it somewhat. So it's your call...

Salt and pepper to taste (I'm sick of telling you how much of everything to put everywhere...)

 Now add it all together and cook for five minutes or so.

 Add two to three cups of cheese (preferably one with "Jack" in the name).

 

 Remove from heat and put a top on the pot. It should look something like this...

 Now I get to use the sweet-ass olive oil mister I got from Santa.

 
You just pump, pump, pump and...

 

...and then it shoots out olive oil mist? Wait... that's it? That's all it does?

 

Now take a big tortilla...

 

And slap some of the corn crap inside.

 

Fold it over and place it in a lightly-misted skillet.

 

Now cook it on medium heat until bottom starts to brown, then flip it over and cook until...

...it looks cooked. That's it! You did it! Well, technically I did it, but I couldn't have done it without you. Actually, I could, would and have done it without you, but now you can make it yourself!
Great with guacamole, sour cream and salsa.

Next on "Cooking with Jack": Jack fries up everything in the house!

More Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Coming in with your Jenny Craig posse and trying to start a rumble

• Attempting to bribe scale operator with freshly baked cookies

• Insisting that bottle caps and string be accepted as payment

• Selling bootleg WW charms out of the trunk of your Trans Am in the parking lot

• Trimming your toenails during meeting

• Threatening the scale lady to give you a good weigh-in or you’ll key up her car

• Loudly eating a dozen candy apples during meeting

• Taking a dump on the scale if it shows a gain

• Standing on a chair and screaming “Me so hungry!” over and over and over and over

• Trying to get in free my wearing your mask of David Kirchhoff, President and CEO of Weight Watchers International

• Wearing your candy thong and fruit leather chaps

• Non-stop riverdancing on scale while they’re trying to weigh you in

• Loudly insisting that your weight be written in invisible ink

• Parking in the meeting room

• Paying with a VISA card you just stole from another member

Bodfather: Here Comes the Judging

Subject #2 in the "Bodfather" 


Witness Reduction Program: Laurie

Height: 5'6"
Starting weight: 240  
Current weight: 228 

Total Loss: 12 lbs.


They call me the Bodfather. There are many things my father Horace taught me here in this room. He taught me: keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer and keep your friends who you're trying to help with their weight-loss journey even closerer.

Hey Jack,

After a week of crappy eating, with bright moments of health, and struggling to get any activity in with a bum knee, I am feeling much better. Oh, I expect a gain this week. But I got way more out of this week than just a pound or two, I got knowledge. I got schooled in all the ways my plans will not work and what I have to do to make this weight loss thing doable for my schedule.  

I was completely unprepared for the amount of food that would be around the office. I have never worked in an office situation before. I spent years working in labs where the holidays were acknowledged, but no luncheons, no candy, no crap around the offices.  Over the last 2 weeks, we have had multiple clients and people in the community drop cakes, pies, candy, and other assorted fat making dishes.  It culminated in yesterday. 

Yesterday, I almost cried at my desk. I walk in and on my desk are two big boxes of Godiva chocolates and three gift bags full of homemade goodies (fudge, peanut brittle, pralines, fruit cake cookies, etc). I thanked everyone, had a few things because it was so overwhelming, packed everything up and took it home (I probably should have just thrown it all in a dumpster). My husband (home for the weekend) and I just stared at it all. And then I packed it up again and there it sits, like an evil demon on the counter waiting to suck me into its depths. All of it is going somewhere other than my house. I don't care where, just out. Having it there broke me for a bit. I spent too much time agonizing over whether I could actually lose weight. My emotional interactions with food has really surprised me.

So now, my skin is looking somewhat sallow (I haven't gotten much sleep in the last 4 days because we have a horrible deadline that is killing us, but Thursday of next week, it will be over) from too much sugar and fat.

And I realize that people around me are going to make the whole thing harder and I have to be better prepared for that.  People in this office know I am losing weight and watching what I eat.  And still yesterday happened.  I feel like yelling at them, but I can't because I know in their minds they are being kind.  And I am going to have many sessions where sleep is a luxury I can't afford to indulge in too much.  And eating at the office during between and around meetings and deadlines is going to have to be planned for in much more detail.

Progress can be measured in other than pounds.  Progress can be made in learning what works and what doesn't and implementing accordingly.
 

1. Planning is key to getting through any situation.  But planning must be backed up with the resources available.  For instance, keeping food in the freezer for emergencies is fine as long as the food doesn't suck.  Keep with only tried and true stuff.
2. People are kind hearted evil things.  Take the goodies, walk to the dumpster and toss. 
3. Activity is a bitch to get in when chained to a desk.  I will have to plan around it and stick to the plan. Walking for more than 5-10 minutes during the day is unrealistic.  But a 5 minute walk multiple times a day isn't.

So Jack, you can yell at me for being weak around the food, I deserve it. But it was an amazing learning experience. And this year, instead of greeting the New Year hating myself for being fat, etc., I greet the New Year with an open heart, having learned that EVERY situation teaches me how to do this whole weight loss thing better, if I pay attention. That's a very powerful feeling.

Oh, and beginning Saturday, I start a detox. I gotta get the sugar out of my system. Veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean meats. No sugar!!!

Hope you are having a wonderful holidays and hope everyone is healthy.

Laurie

Hey Laurie,

Well Laurie, I'd like to yell at you but it seems like your own body is beating you up enough. I've lived through (and continue to live through) the break room full of goodies and the sugary presents from well-meaning nitwits. It's easy enough to get through it provided that you don't try to half-ass it... this is truly a situation where you can't have your cake and eat it too.

If you truly are on board going forward, then I'd say it's a one step backward, two steps forward kind of deal. And truthfully Laurie, you're either going to do this now or you're just not. I'd like to think that I can push and cajole folks to be passionate about this business, but at the end of the day it's all on you. You can decide that this is going to be a top priority for you or you can shrug it off and things will simply stay the same.



I hope you'll use the knowledge you've gained as a launching pad to something extraordinary, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

Hope you and your family have a nice holiday.

Jack


Obligatory lawyer joke:

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. 



“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” 



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um ... no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. 



“Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea...” 



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

I'm Not Going Anywhere (In a Good Way)

Weekly weigh-in: 216.7
Loss: -.4
Total loss: -75.2
Emotion: Unwavering

I’m planning on living forever.

I mean it – I have no expectation of ever being laid to rest, ever ending my time here on Earth.

I realize that it’s bucking the odds, but my plan is to keep going and going and going.

That’s one more reason I want to be as healthy as I can possibly be.

I don’t want to be flimsy and fragile in the years to come.

Don’t want to be feeble and faint-hearted.

Don’t want to be resigned to a rocker.

If I keep active and stay strong, keep eating right and making smart choices, keep smiling and stay positive, I see no reason why I shouldn’t look forward to all that my long, long future has in store for me.

I plan on living forever.

So far, so good.





.

W.I.D.T.H.ering Heights

 

Welcome to another W.I.D.T.H. Weekend. In case you don't know, W.I.D.T.H. stands for "Why I Do This Here". It's a group-think effort at exploring the various reasons why we're all on this weight-loss/healthy living merry-go-round. 

Hundreds of folks have sent me contributions, and if you haven't already, I can only assume one of two things: (1) you don't know how to work a camera and/or email or (2) you suck. 

If you do know how and work a camera/email and you don't suck, then get off your duff, jot down why you're doing what you're doing on a card, a scrap of paper, your hand... and find some way to electronically deliver it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. Be sure to include a blog link if you'd like it included.

I know why I'm doing this.

Tell me why you're doing it. 

 

 Lori@Fatty Fatty Two By Four

Bambi @ Sun In A Purple Sky

 

Annabel @ Feed Me I'm Cranky

 Honib1 @ Soul Vision

 

Paula @ PaulaWannaCracker

Sandra @ My Travels to Becoming a Better Me! 

 Rebekah G.

 Lisa @ Rescuing Lisa

 

Hello Jack, sorry for my bad English, but I write from Italy.
There are no interesting blogs about large weight losses in Italian (my language)...maybe because in Italy obesity is considered a secondary problem although it is becoming increasingly common and maybe because we are always arrears of 20 yers versus U.S.A about technology  and blogging for us is still a novelty;also it's not common to see people of 300-400 pounds...

My weight now is 134 kg (296 pounds) and i have a lot of weight to lose, so i have to read blog in english to encourage my self and i found your blog.

I send you a WIDTH pictures hoping that the english line is grammatically correct and i've write the same line in Italian.. maybe other italians read the blog.

ok,that's all...thanks for your humor.

get fitter and healthier!!!!
enjoy the road of life