• On January 1st of each year, pay all of your bills for the entire year.
• Instead of wasting time doing laundry, invest in industrial-sized barrel of Fabreeze.
• When working a sudoku puzzle, just put random numbers in random squares.
• Go through car wash at 60 miles per hour.
• One way to get your house cleaned faster is to threaten to fire your housekeeper unless she picks up the pace.
• When dropping your kids off, teach them to roll out of the car so you don’t have to come to a complete stop. They’ll think it’s fun and you’ll pick up a few valuable seconds in your day.
• If you have a flat tire, just keep driving, moron.
• Speed-pray.
• See if you can find a combination manicurist-proctologist.
• Keep a razor in your car so you can shave your legs while stuck in traffic.
• How about this for a bedtime story: Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived happily ever after. The end.
I just returned home from Fitbloggin, a gathering of an odd mix of weight losers, healthy living advocates and super hardcore fitness freaks.
I enjoyed getting to meet a lot of interesting folks that I feel like I already knew and even ranalltheway in my first “official” 5K (my plan to take off into the lead and then lead the group in the wrong direction was laid to waste as some of the more accomplished runners finished the run while I was still lacing up my sneakers).
I’ll admit that I was a little bummed out as I listened to a super-fit lady (-4% body fat) discuss emerging trends in exercise. It’s a little bit technical, but here’s the breakdown: everything you’re doing is wrong.
You’d have to be a rocket scientist to really understand the whole deal (dammit… I left MIT two semesters shy of my Rocket Science degree), but it was a trifle disheartening to hear about my workout suckage.
As she droned on about HIIT and carthamasomething, I started thinking about my own Fitlosophy, and I guess it can be boiled down to this: something is better than nothing.
For a long time, I did a whole lot of nothing. Oh, I got in some exercise from time to time, but there was no rhyme or reason to it. I didn’t work to improve my overall health and I certainly didn’t push myself to any degree.
Now I have goals, even if they’re not always well-defined or working toward specific results. I could be doing better; I’ve spent most of my life doing worse.
I want to replace some of this stubborn fat with steely muscle.
I want to break a sweat running a few miles, not climbing a flight of steps.
I want each day to start with challenge and end a sense of accomplishment (with the cling of a sweat-soaked shirt slipped in somewhere in between).
I want to wear smaller clothes and wear out running shoes.
I want to feel better and feel better about myself.
I want to live fully and age gracefully.
I may not be doing everything perfectly, may not be doing everything in the most optimal manner possible… but I am doing.
Sweat sweat, shirt’s all wet. We gonna work out, yeah you bet!
Watch the cardio.
Feel so good when I do too much. 5 AM, lace the running shoes up. Time to hit the road!
Healthy blogger, part-time jogger, Each day you are runnin’ farther. Come on, honey Let’s get runny. Time to get wearious.
So work your ass if you are strong,
For all the right reasons.
May be overweight, but we will never be, never be
Anything but fit,
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
Won’t you come on, and come on, and
Work your ass!
Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Slam slam, oh hot damn,
What part of “participation” don't you understand?
Wish you’d just work out (work out already)
Can’t quit trying to get fit. Listen to your old buddy Jackie Sh*t.
It’s your time right now (it’s your time right now)
Chest press spotta’, leg-lift squatta’
Call me when you need a workout partna’
Don't be fatty.
Just get sweaty.
No more beer in us!
So work your ass if you are strong
For all the right reasons.
May be overweight, but we will never be, never be
Anything but fit,
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
Won't you come on, and come on, and
Work your ass!
Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Won't you come on and come on and
Work your ass! Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Oh sh*t… my ass is chunky... that sucks!
So if you’re too jump to plump,
And you're feelin’ like a lump (feelin’ like a lump)
You could choose to change your ways Y
ou can always, you can always
Make your life your own...
So work your ..
So work your ass if you are strong
For all the right reasons.
All my blogger friends, we will never be, never be
Anything but fit,
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
So work your ass if you are strong
For all the right reasons
May be overweight, but we will never be, never be
Anything but fit
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
Won't you come on! and come on! and
Work your ass!
Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Won't you come on! and come on! and
Work your ass
For you
Just come on and come and
Work your ass...for you
When driving, change lanes every five seconds to build strong triceps
During meeting, drop pen under table; while retrieving it, do twenty push-ups
Bathroom stall squats
Bring your Abdominizer to church
Hire a housekeeper and use the extra time to go to the gym or do your own housekeeping and pay someone to go to the gym for you
Take the wheels off your stroller
Men: changing clothes over and over can actually burn a significant amount of calories, so each morning, try on a bunch of different outfits before deciding what to wear. Women: keep doing the same you’ve been doing
Do leg lifts while getting haircut
Did you know that sex can burn over 1,000 calories per hour if you do it on an elliptical machine while holding kettlebells?
When you’re taking kids to the park, there are a lot of ways to get in exercise; one way if to leave them there and go meet your personal trainer
Park in the fartherest handicap parking space
While sitting on couch watching hours of television, quit sitting on couch watching hours of television
Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner all at the same time
Use a shampoo with conditioner in it… and toothpaste… and floss
DVR your favorite shows and watch them at 12x speed
During arguments with your spouse, agree to any damn thing just to get it over with quickly
Learn the ancient art of speed sleeping
Continuously move West into new time zones
Don’t waste time dragging out the Bat-signal; go right for the Bat-phone!
Hire a nice lady to clean your house and a dashing young man to do all the yardwork (I’m assuming that you’re filthy rich, of course)
Turn off the internet
Keep an ongoing list of people who have wronged you and exact your revenge all at one time (preferably at a party where they’re all in attendance)
Order steak medium rare instead of well done
If you’re on a highway where the speed limit is 60 mph, and you drive one mile per hour faster, it’ll save you 60 seconds for every hour you drive. That can really add up!
Combine activities, such as paying bills and showering
Tired of wasting time sitting in the waiting room at the vet? Spay your pets yourself (I can walk you through it… okay, first you’ll need an application to veterinary school…)
Instead of “you’re”, always just type “your” – everyone knows it means the same thing!
Instead of stepping on a scale, just “guesstimate” your weight
When helping your child with math homework, just make up answers to get through it fast
Lather and rinse, but do not repeat; I repeat, DO NOT REPEAT.
Do some research of which religion has the fastest church services and go with that one
Observe “Double Daylight Savings Time”
Stop churning your own butter and start buying it at grocery store
Note: Since the Jack Sh*t Players did all the heavy lifting today, it freed me up to engage in a little guest posting action for my buddy Jewlia Goulia as she begins a big C25K push. Check it out here.
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