Monday, February 21, 2011

The Fatass Family


They're creepy and they're obese, 
Their waistlines on the increase,
They eat too much cooked in grease

The Fatass Family. 

Their pantry’s full of junk food.
They’re often fat and drunk, too. 

If you don’t like it, funk you. 

The Fatass Family. 

Da da da dunnnnnt
Da da da dunnnnnt

Da da da dunnnnnt
Da da da dunnnnnt
Da da da dunnn


So grab a cup of green tea
(it doesn’t have caffeine, see)
I really hope they’ll feed me.

The Faaatassssss Family.

“Next!” I shouted.

Who are you talking to?” asked my daughter Pisa.

“To all the bloggers who are auditioning for my 'Fatass Family' post,” I told her. “And where’s your goth dress, by the way?”

“I told you I’m not playing the little girl?” she exclaimed.

“Weighinsday Fatass.”

“Huh?” frowned Pisa.

“You know, like Wednesday Addams…”

“Oh yeah,” she half-smiled. “Hee-larious, Dad.”

“I don’t get it,” I remarked. “I thought there’d be loads of people trying out for these parts, especially after my Sh*tagain’s Island posts.”

“Ummmm, how would anybody know you were holding auditions?”

“I announced it in my blog,” I told her.


“Ummmmm… today,” I stammered.

Pisa rolled her eyes.

“That’s right,” I said. “I’m going to go through today’s comments and choose bloggers to star in my upcoming Fatass Family post.”

“Well, that could work,” shrugged Pisa.

“Damn straight!” I smiled. “NEXT!”

Ummmm… I’m talking to YOU. 
What part do you want and why should I choose you? Tell me... with feeling!


  1. Great plan Jack!
    Pugsley is shoo in!
    (Or a shoe - in!)
    The whole thing is greatness waiting to happen.
    (Hee-hee! I said "Thing!)

  2. ok
    I shall be singing this all day long and snapping :)

  3. Besides thanking you for the earworm, I'll let you know that THIS fatass will not be auditioning. Because both me and the mister are on our way DOWN.

  4. Oh Oh Oh I'd sooo be Morticia! The real head of the family…low-voiced, incisive and subtle, smiles are rare…ruined beauty…contemptuous and original and with fierce family loyalty…even in disposition, muted, witty, sometimes deadly…given to low-keyed rhapsodies about her garden of deadly nightshade, henbane and dwarf’s hair.. she is sooo me.. er.. I am soo her?

  5. I'd like to be considered for the role of Cousin Sh*tt. Big wild bushy hair covering a lumpy mound of a body.

  6. I'd like to be Thing please. That way, when I lose my fat a$$ I'll still be able to play the part. I'm trying to think ahead here.

  7. Um, green tea does have caffeine, unless it's decaffeinated. Just sayin'

  8. How do you do this? so funny! so talented!!

  9. Can I be Cousin Itt? He has hair, and I don't... and I think it would help me grow as an actor.

    Oh, and too funny. :)

  10. I love your blog! I'm going to have this stuck in my head all day long.

  11. You've got quite the knack jack!! I don't want to audition until its for the bad a** family ;)

  12. Oh great, now I have that song stuck in my head. And the snapping, all the snapping. Ugh! What ever happened to the Munsters? I loved them.

  13. What a grand idea! I shall audition for the part of Uncle Fester. I can run around with a lightbulb in my mouth and it will come on every time a member of the Fatass Family opens the fridge!

    Keep the fun coming, Jack!

  14. I would like to audition to play all of the parts except once, except for them mom. I don't like stereotypes.

    PS I have a little goodie for you at my blog. I haven't noticed you to be one for awards, but you got one anyway. Ha!

  15. Well Snap!
    Since all us Kittehs KNOW that inside we are really big feisty lions, I'll volunteer to be the Lion who strolls in at about 24 seconds into the video!


  16. So we will have Fugly, Morticiously Obese, Weighins-day (good one), Cousin Fit, and Burp... couldn't think of a name for Grandmama or Gomez...

  17. I should have read this sooner.

    I'm a ring-in for Uncle Fester. I've GOT THE EYEBROWS All natural too.

    Ah well Ginger I'll concede. You're ahead of me.



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