They Call Me "Fitter"

They called me fatter, fatter,
Fatter than Oprah,

No one could be,
Much more fatter than me.

And we know fatter, makes for a bad fate,
Time to go lose weight, time to break free.
 


Everyone loves
The scale going down,
Ever so lovely, to lose a pound.
Start feeling better, pants not so tight
Now that I work out and watch my diet.

Now they call me fitter, fitter,
Fitter than Jillian,

No one you see,
Is more fitter than me,
And we know fitter’s so much better than bigness.
I’m all about fitness; I’m a true devotee! 


The “Am I Ready for the Holidays?” Quiz

1. You’re at a friend’s house and see a decorative gingerbread house on the table. When left alone in the room, you…

A. Admire the craftsmanship that went into the structure’s design and construction
B. Sneak one of the gumdrops off the roof
C. Unleash “Hurricane Eaty”

2. You’re at the store and notice that they’ve started selling eggnog for the holiday season. You…

A. Pass it by realizing that a nice cup of holiday tea would be healthier
B. Pick up a small carton to help celebrate the season
C. Chug an entire gallon right there in the dairy section

3. You’re out at the mall doing some holiday shopping when you realize that you’re really hungry. You…

A. Eat the healthy snack you packed for just such a contingency
B. Rip open the package Christmas cookies you bought “for the kids”
C. Become the reason for Cinnabon’s record-breaking sales day

4. You’re at a holiday party when you spot a table loaded down with sugary sweets. You…

A. Maneuver yourself away from the tempting treats
B. Take one or two small pieces to satisfy your sweet tooth
C. Pull up a chair and eat until you fall into a sugar coma

5. The average weight gain during the holidays is eight pounds. You…

A. Mindfully track calories and exercise so that you’ll gain less than that
B. Plan to enjoy yourself during the holiday season and lose it back in January
C. Have already gained eight pounds since Thanksgiving. :(

6. You’ve been invited to participate in a Holiday Cookie Exchange. You…

A. Regretfully decline to participate
B. Participate, but give the cookies away at school or work
C. Eat so many that Cookie Monster looks at you and goes “Dayummmmm”

Mo' Mojo






Dude, you’re pretty soft; haven’t you been working out?

Uh no, I’ve really been slacking.

Oh no, you need a boost; I mean, mo’ mojo.

Ohhh… mo’ mojo. Cool…

When you want to spur a workout partner (mo’ mojo)

And make ‘em work out just a lil’ harder (mo’ mojo)

To tell a dude how to raise his game (mo’ mojo) 

Say ‘mo’ mojo’ so you can fan the flame (mo’ mojo)


Hey, yo man, you got to pump some iron (mo’ mojo)
It’s time to really get them pistons firin’ (mo’ mojo) 

Do push-ups til’ your arms are weary (mo’ mojo)

Go joggin’ while you argue with Siri (mo’ mojo)


It’s hard to exercise but you should (mo’ mojo)

It’ll leave you feelin’ hella good (mo’ mojo)

So pack a gym bag so you always ready (mo’ mojo)

You know you love to get hot and sweaty (mo’ mojo)


I admit it I’m a lazy cuss (mo’ mojo)

But I’m gonna do this for an hour plus (mo’ mojo)
And yo, I’m smellin’ just a little foul (mo’ mojo)
Damn, but I forgot to bring a shower towel (mo’ mojo)

I know you hate it when I really stink (mo’ mojo)
Maybe I’ll wash my pits off in the sink (mo’ mojo)


Yeah, man I’m really feeling pumped right now (mo’ mojo)

Are you really feeling pumped right now? (mo’ mojo)

Yo, we should do Jillian’s workout tape (mo’ mojo)
So we can get ourselves in better shape (mo’ mojo)

Man, we should put some focus on our quads (mo’ mojo)

Yo, it’s time to really love our bods (mo’ mojo)

Hey yo I’ve been thinking ‘bout a Zumba class (mo’ mojo)

Hey yo I’ve been thinking about losing some ass (mo’ mojo)

Or we could exercise while we dine (mo’ mojo)

Or do jumpin’ jacks in a line (mo’ mojo)

Or we could go and run a marathon (mo’ mojo)

And when we finish run another one! (mo’ mojo)


Hey yo mo’ mojo but I wanna dress up in spandex

And strut through the gym while I pose down and flex
Yeah mo’ mojo but I wish we lived in Ancient Greece
Enter the Olympics and earn five golds apiece.



Hey mo’ mojo but today I’m gonna get real jiggy

And I love it that I’m not such a too-big biggie.

Those two words have set me free (mo’ mojo)

Damn, it feels good to be (mo’ mojo)

A Night on the Strip...

Albert: Hey, Hey, Hey…

Jack: Hey, aren’t you…?

Albert: I’m Faaaaaat Albert!

Jack: Uh oh, Al. That’s exactly the kind of negative self recriminations that we’re fighting here at T.O.O.N.

Albert: Who?

Jack: T.O.O.N. Toons Overcoming Obesity Now; it’s my new weight-loss workshop for overweight cartoon characters. We meet every Monday evening.

Albert: The flyer said there’d be free cookies.

Jack: Yeah, I just put that on the flyer to help with attendance. Here... have a seat and I’ll introduce the others. That’s Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown: Good grief... I’m not fat. I just have a really big, really round head.

Jack: Uh huh, and that’s the… well… that’s the Fat Broad from B.C.

Fat Broad: I’m on the Paleo diet.

Jack: And beside her is Cathy.

Cathy: Awwwwwk. I just want to lose 10 pounds before swimsuit season starts tomorrow!

Jack: Whatever. And that’s the Pointy-Haired Boss from Dilbert.

PHB: I thought this was a manager’s seminar.

Jack: That’s Walt from Zits and the dad from FoxTrot. And… okay, who let that damn cat in again?

Sgt Snorkel: Ummmmm, you can’t say “damn”… you need to say “%&;#” instead.

Mr. Dithers: I don’t get it; I’ve got an employee that eats these giant sandwiches and he’s skinny as all Hell… I mean, “#@&%%;”.

Jack: Ummmm… the meeting hasn’t officially kicked off yet, Mister D.

Ziggy: Hey, there’s a little kid in the parking lot keying up all the cars.

Mr. Wilson: DENNNNNNNNIS!

Jack: Where’s everybody going? We need to get the meeting started!

Albert: Hey, is that cat eating lasagna?

Jack: $&%! That’s my supper, Garfield!

Albert: Hey, hey, hey! This is great! Where do I sign up?

Jack: I hate Mondays.

I Am Full... of Health Tips!

• Turn a regular desk into a treadmill by flipping it upside-down, then figuring out some way to make a tread go round-and-round.

• Switch to low-fat, organic, whole wheat cigarettes.

• Can’t afford a fancy heart-rate monitor? You can make your own with a digital watch and a wire connected directly to your heart.

• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.

• You can make your diet more low-fat by eating less fat, dumbass.



• Enjoy the benefits of probiotic drinks, or, at the very least, don't drink a bunch of anti-biotic drinks.



• Can't sleep? Try a warm cup of Ambien tea right before bed.



• Some folks actually have trouble gaining weight; to those people I offer this simple-to-follow advice: why not try shutting the hell up, please?

Thanksgiving Survival Guide

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.

With Friends Like These...

Devil: You know what would be good right now? An ice cream sammich.

Jack: I really wish you’d put a sock in it.

Devil: ICCCCCCE CREAM SAMMMMMICH!

Jack: I really wish my good angel was still on my other shoulder to balance you out...

Devil: He’s back, dumbass. YO, GOODIE-TWO-SHOES!

Angel: Oh hey.

Devil: What up my brother from an angel mother?

Angel: Just been chilling at Heaven’s 7-11, my Devil dawg.

Jack: You know, you two really aren’t supposed to be friends…

Angel: What’s his problem?

Devil: Oh, you know Jack. He’s upset no matter whether he's not losing weight or if he’s gaining weight.

Jack: Y'know. I really could have used some "good angel" help this week…

Angel: I'm more of a "pretty good angel," actually.

Devil: I still don’t see no ice cream sammich in your hand, Big J.

Jack: I tell ya… between him telling me to be bad and you telling me… well… nothing, it’s a wonder I have any success at all.

Angel: Hey, excuse me for taking a lil’ vacation, bitch!

Jack: I’m not saying you have to do any heavy lifting, but just a little bit of help now and again…

Devil: You see what I’ve been dealing with?

Angel: Let’s go get some beer and wings.

Devil: Wings! I see what you did there. Man, it’s good to have you back!

Jack: *sigh*