More Excuses for a Bad Weigh-in

• Water weight... I accidentally drank some water
  
  
• Forgot where my gym is located
  
  
• Gravity extra strong on weigh-in day
  
  
• Breaking in a new scale
  
  
• Letting my hair grow out
  
  
• Weight Watchers conspiracy
  
  
• Friends let me down
  
  
• Wearing my Kevlar underwear
  
  
• Bad voodoo
  
  
• Too heavy for treadmill to move
  
  
• Drank too much gravy
  
  
• Obama and his Socialistic agenda
  
  
• Didn’t know they’d be serving wedding cake at the wedding
  
  
• The regrettable marshmallow incident
  
  
• Spider got in my gym bag
  
  
• Stumbled into a charity fish fry
  
  
• Sleep-snacking
  
  
• Amnesia made me forget about diet
  
  
• Accidentally locked self in snack closet
  
  
• Coworker brought in brownies and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings
  
  
• Listened to a lot of music that made me hungry
  
  
• Misplaced my muzzle
  
  
• Actually lied about my weight last week

Monday Morning Makeover

Oh, darling. That weekend choo just had does NOT work for choo at aaaaaall. De constant snacking, dos empty calories, all dat al-kee-hall. Choo look like choo are retaining more water than The Little Dutch Boy.

Yes, choo need a makeover. No, I’m not talking about make-up and clothing (do choo think I’m a miracle worker, after all?). No, I’m talking about ALL THAT.

Choo know: dat junk in de trunk. Dat riddle around jewr middle. All dat jazz… and by "jazz" I mean jewr big fat ass.

It is summer, my overstuffed lovely, and it’s time for choo to eat lots and lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Choo know… blueberries and cherries and tomatoes and choo know what I’m talkin’ about.

If somebody’s sayin’ “Would choo like fries with that?”, choo are NOT doin’ what I’m telling you choo should be doin’.

And choo know what else choo should not be doin’? Choo should NOT be not exercising. Sweat is chur friend. Sweat will help choo move your furniture when choo change apartments. Sweat will lend you fifty dollars ‘til payday. Sweat will pick you up at the airport when chur bitch-ass sister won’t get her lazy bitch-ass self out of her trailer.

Choo can do this losing weight, okay? All it takes is everything choo have every single day. Choo have to want it more than a Kardashian wanting her picture snapped at a Hollywood party.

It’s time to rock the bloat, baby (did choo like that because I made it up myself and I’m thinkin’ of making myself some t-shirts and selling them on the internets).

You Know I'm Right...

Weekly weigh-in: 206.4
Loss: -0.2
Total loss: -86.4
Emotion: Sardonic


It's a proven scientific fact proven by scientists: it's a lot easier for women to lose weight than it is for men.

For example, it's not uncommon for a woman to lose seven or eight pounds in a single day after giving birth.

And look at the other obstacles men have to stare down in their struggles with the scale.

• Men are paid more than women (often for the same job) so that means we have a lot more disposable income with which to buy corn chips, pizza rolls and Starbursts.
  
  
• Men are also targeted with highly effective advertising campaigns that force us to purchase products that are no good for us.
  
  
• Men don’t have that handy “it’s my special lady-time” excuse.
  
  
• The NBA Finals. The World Cup. The U.S. Open at Pebble Beach... there are so many events where men are forced to sit on our asses and watch every freakin' minute on the off chance that other men ask us if we saw an important play.
  
  
• Men like beer.
  
  
• Women get a lot of cardio activity by cleaning the house, doing the laundry, cooking meals and cutting the lawn. It’s really not fair to men, I tell you.

Given all the obstacles put in front of me just because of my gender, I guess I’m happy with a teeny-tiny loss this week.

Do me a favor: please don’t embarrass yourself by trying to poke holes in my “losing weight is easier for women” argument either. I thought about turning comments off for this post, but I didn’t want to rob you of your opportunity to congratulate me on my loss.

Okay, give it to me (the praise, I mean…)

Advance and Retweet

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you some old stuff so I can rest up and think up new stuff. Today I'm dredging up a bunch of tweets from the Sh*tter Twitter. If this kind of nonsense floats your boat, then hop aboard my Twitter feed right here.

• Trying to write tonight but I've got irritable vowel syndrome...
  
  
• Plumber to me: has somebody been using the hot water heater as a kickboxing bag?
  
  
• Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind paying a little extra to buy orgasmic fruits and vegetables.
  
  
• Mechanic just told me I need to rotate my tires. They're always rotating, dumbass! How do you think I got here?
  
  
• Wife mad that I paid five bucks for stress ball. Said I could've just filled a balloon with sand. Way to stress me out even more, Anita!
  
  
• Does anybody know where I can find a Rubick's Cube where all the sides are the same color?
  
  
• Monday morning and I'm back on the wagon. I really think they should put seat-belts on this thing....
  
  
• Martinis are like breasts; one isn't enough and three is too many.
  
  
• Not sure about runner's high, but I'm pretty sure I just attained a drinker's high.
  
  
• I love airports. I just saw a guy that looks like that guy from that TV show.
  
  
• Question: at a wine tasting and wondering if it's okay to ask for a straw...
  
  
• If you ask me, it should be against the law for your spouse to try to poison you.
  
  
• Fast and easy way to make granola: simply take a granola bar and crunch it up. It's just that easy!
  
  
• CPA gets all the way done with taxes before telling me I can't pay him in yarn. Shouldn't he have said that up front?
  
  
• I really consider you all to be part of my family. Pls remember that if the IRS calls you about my return...
  
  
• I'm gonna use my tax refund to buy a new iPhone... app.
  
  
• Tonight I'm taking my wife Anita to the fanciest restaurant in town (that accepts coupons).
  
  
• I'm not jumping out of cake for you until we agree that I can eat as much as I want while I'm in there waiting...

Monitoring My Activity Monitor Emails...

As I may have mentioned before, I'm giving the Philips DirectLife activity monitor a test ride. The best thing about this program is that it gives you access to your very own activity coach that you're allowed to torture all you want...

Hello Jack!

When I read your question on 'This sentence is false', I really had to smile. How can I convince you that I am indeed a person and not a robot? Hopefully by now you feel that you are working with a human.... a human who's here to help you get the most out of the DirectLife program.

I think that I missed a beat when you wrote: "Your challenge is to find some way to make me the activest person I can possibly be."

I cannot make you do anything Jack. It is up to you how you go about this program and how much you change your activity. I am here to support you on this journey. I can give you advice, help you plan, get back on track (if you go off track), and support you, but ultimately it is you who will be making the choice each day to choose activity. You've indicated that you want to increase your activity. I'm here to help you do that.

Sometimes when people begin the DirectLife program they indicate that they are really eager and ready to be more active but when it comes down to it, they are not quite mentally ready to make the choice each day to be active. They like the idea of being more active, but for instance, they physically like the escalator more than the stairs. and thus they still pick the escalator. Where do you feel you fit in this Jack? Are you both saying you are ready and are ready, or do you want to be ready but need some time to figure out what you are willing to do in terms of changing?

The more I understand where you are now, the better able I will be to coach you to a more active lifestyle and I really want to help you achieve that.

I have attached two articles on the negative effects of sedentary behavior (on both active and inactive people) for your reference if you are interested. For me they were really informative and quite surprising. They helped me decide to get up from my desk more often.

I really look forward to hearing from you Jack and wish you a happy and active day,

Jen

P.S. Just as a side note...Philips does do work on brain activity monitoring ;-)

http://www.healthcare.philips.com/main/products/index.wpd
We even have a research project that measures brain activity to prevent day traders from making emotional rather than rational decisions. Find a link here: http://www.design.philips.com/about/design/designnews/pressreleases/rationalizer.page


Hi Directlife Coach Jen,

Where do I fit in, DirectLife Coach Jen? I go "up" on the "down" escalator! How's that for a commitment to activity?

I know what you mean though; a lot of the folks who follow my blog (Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit, in case you're curious) want to lose weight and become more fit, but for some reason can't find in within themselves to take the necessary steps to achieve the success they claim they want. I guess it's easier to just wish things would get better than to get busy and change things ourselves.

I'm inclined to agree with what you say about this program being up to me and what I make of it, DirectLife Coach Jen. I didn't open the attachments you sent because even though I'm now 87% certain that you're not a robot, I couldn't take a chance that you were trying to zap me with a robot virus. I get the point though: activity=good, sedentary=evil. I'm down with that.

I'm curious as to how many folks you're working with, DirectLife Coach Jen. My buddy Tony claims you're his BFF and I see your name on people's Twitter tweets from time to time. I guess I'm a little worried that you're overworked and not having time to get enough activity in during your day. Unless you work at a treadmill desk or are a robot, I mean...

Take care,

Jack

Hi Jack,

(and Hi everyone that reads Jacks' blogs! - in case you do post this email as well). Jack, thanks for the link. It was quite funny for me to read your blog, our interactions and then all the comments. Again, I could not help but smile. To clear up some uncertainty.... it sure is hot here in India! But that doesn't bother me much with my metal parts and all - I just need a bit of greasing every once in awhile.

No, no...I am not a robot, I am not working in India, nor am I overworked with coaching. So how come I happen to have you and all of your blogger buddies as people that I coach? It so happens that my coaching profile matches up best with that of all of you. But I am one of many DirectLife coaches. As a team we have a variety of backgrounds, from behavioral psychologists, kinesiologists, nutritionists, counsellors, and teachers to competitive athletes. If I am ever away on holidays or sick one of them will be available to fill in for me as your coach, if desired. So in time Jack, you may get a chance to meet one of the other coaches.

Now, from your response it sounds like you are both willing and ready to make changes. Is this right? If so, can we begin to look more closely at your activity patterns to find times that you can be more active?

Take Tuesday for instance. I think that was the day that you had budget meetings. Does the lower level of activity concern you? Reflecting back on that day, do you see any opportunities to be more active? Please do let me know.

I look forward to your next email Jack and wish you an excellent and active weekend,

Jen

Hi DirectLife Coach Jen,

What makes you think I'd be putting our correspondence on the internet where anyone could see it (especially when you're being more entertaining than me)?

You want to talk about Tuesday? See, you're spending too much time reading my blog and not paying attention to my emails. That was the day I ran... I RAN, DIRECTLIFE COACH JEN... for thirty minutes without stopping. I was duking it out with the treadmill at my gym, intent on not giving up before it did (we settled on a draw after it became clear that neither of us was giving in that day). Anyway, I had tripped the 5K mark when it dawned on me that my activity monitor doodad was sitting in my pants pocket, which was on my pants, which were in a locker, which was in the lockerroom. So while you think I was crammed inside a locker sitting perfectly still for a half hour, I was actually as active as all get-out. Don't count Tuesday against me, DirectLife Coach Jen. Don't you dare count Tuesday against me...

BTW, I thought a "kinesiologist" is somebody that works on kaleidoscopes. If you've got somebody on staff that does that, I'd like to send in my kaleidoscope for repair. My daughter Pisa dropped it on the floor and now when you gaze through the hole, it looks like it's busted into a thousand pieces.

Take care,

Jack

I’m Sorry, Everybody

I was tired of my belly
It’d been too large for too long.
Caused by a sedentary lifestyle
And from eating all wrong.
So while my fam was vacationing,
I had my laptop in bed.
And among the sites I was surfing,
There was this blog that I read…

"If you like doing pilates,
‘Til you burn holes in your thighs.
If you're sick of being obese,
Wanna be half your size.
If you've been eating fudge at midnight,
By the light of the fridge.
If you ever want to change things,
It’s time to try just a smidge.”

I wasn’t sure I could do it.
I know that sounds kind of strange.
But me and my fat belly
Were ready for a big change,
So I started my own blog,
To chronicle my own dieting.
So I opened a new post,
And I got busy writing.

"Yes I like doing pilates
‘Til I burn holes in my thighs.
Yes, I’m sick of being obese,
Wanna be half my size.
So I’ve quit eating fudge at midnight
By the light of the fridge.
I really do want change things,
And this blog’ll be my bridge.”

So I worked out with passion.
Started eating real well.
Soon I noticed a downturn,
When I stood on the scale.
Now it’s a year or so later,
And I won’t ever quit.
I give all kinds of advice now
On Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.

Like, “You should start doing pilates,
‘Til you burn holes in your thighs.
If you're sick of being obese,
Wanna be half your size.
If you've been eating fudge at midnight
By the light of the fridge.
If you ever want to change things,
It’s time to try just a smidge.”

The Jack Sh*t Pom/Cheribundi Challenge

It was time for somebody to step up and make a once-and-for-all determination of which juice... POM Wonderful pomegranite or Cheribundi cherry juice is better. Strap in for the Jack Sh*t Pom/Cheribundi Challenge...

Let's start with POM. This cute little bottle contains 8 oz of 100% pomegranate juice. Of the 160 calories, 136 are from sugar. The 34 grams of sugar per serving amount to over 8 teaspoons! It does feature plenty of antioxidants, which makes it remarkably similar to every other type of fruit juice on the planet. But the bottle's cute!

Cherribundi is a completely different story. An 8-oz. bottle has 130 - 160 calories and 27 grams of sugar, but is high in antioxidants. Okay... so it's the same story pretty much. One version, "Whey Cherry" has more protein which they accomplished by adding a secret ingredient.*

*Protein

But which one is actually better? There's only one way to find out...

A double-blind taste test (I have a blindfold AND my eyes are closed).

Okay so there's a couple of problems with the "double-blind" test scenario...

But nothing an intelligent guy like me can't deal with.

Blindfolded, my other senses become hyper-sharp to compensate. For example, I can tell from listening that liquid is being poured into a glass.

Mmmmm... pomegranatey.



This one sounds similar, but slightly different.

This reminds me of that time I ate some cherries.


A little tarter than the POM... I mean, the first sample that I sampled.

You know what would be good with this one?

I'm a super-jenious!

I've just invented a brand new, never been discovered juice blend.

No, waitaminute... I've had this before...



Must test theory...

Holy sh*t! I was right... I invented wine.

I think I'm onto something with this mixing business though...

Perhaps a tiny amount of vodka...

Slurp.

Dayum!

Let's expand on this theory...

A smidge of POM...

A few drops of Cherribundi for tartness.

Okay, well now I've forgotten what I was doing here, so I guess I'll just declare this contest a draw and move on.


Full disclosure: POM and Cherribundi provided free samples of their products for "review" purposes. The Sky Vodka was provided for free via "shoplifting" and the Smirnoff was "borrowed" from my next-door neighbor whose house I'm "watching" this weekend.