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Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Work Your Ass
Sweat sweat, shirt’s all wet.
We gonna work out, yeah you bet!
Watch the cardio.
Feel so good when I do too much.
5 AM, lace the running shoes up.
Time to hit the road!
Healthy blogger, part-time jogger,
Each day you are runnin’ farther.
Come on, honey
Let’s get runny.
Time to get wearious.
So work your ass if you are strong,
For all the right reasons.
May be overweight, but we will never be, never be
Anything but fit,
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
Won’t you come on, and come on, and
Work your ass!
Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Slam slam, oh hot damn,
What part of “participation” don't you understand?
Wish you’d just work out (work out already)
Can’t quit trying to get fit.
Listen to your old buddy Jackie Sh*t.
It’s your time right now (it’s your time right now)
Chest press spotta’, leg-lift squatta’
Call me when you need a workout partna’
Don't be fatty.
Just get sweaty.
No more beer in us!
So work your ass if you are strong
For all the right reasons.
May be overweight, but we will never be, never be
Anything but fit,
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
Won't you come on, and come on, and
Work your ass!
Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Won't you come on and come on and
Work your ass! Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Oh sh*t… my ass is chunky... that sucks!
So if you’re too jump to plump,
And you're feelin’ like a lump (feelin’ like a lump)
You could choose to change your ways Y
ou can always, you can always
Make your life your own...
So work your ..
So work your ass if you are strong
For all the right reasons.
All my blogger friends, we will never be, never be
Anything but fit,
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
So work your ass if you are strong
For all the right reasons
May be overweight, but we will never be, never be
Anything but fit
With a nitty gritty pretty muscly physique.
Won't you come on! and come on! and
Work your ass!
Just come on and come and
Work your ass!
Won't you come on! and come on! and
Work your ass
For you
Just come on and come and
Work your ass...for you
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Burn, Baby, Burn
“Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion.
You must set yourself on fire.”
–Arnold H. Glasow
A spark.
You think that’s all it would take… all it require to ignite your weight-loss efforts and start them raging into an out-of-control inferno.
But you stutter and sputter and eventually fizzle out before it gets going good. It just can’t catch…
There’s no spark, no mojo, no magic.
Every day, you wake up and that same flawed face is staring back at you, reminding you of everything that you haven’t managed to get done, how despite your best intentions and your everything-you’ve-got effort, you still can’t generate any real heat with what you’re doing.
I've lost count of how many times I started back at Square One, how many Mondays I woke up and said “This is finally it!” only to trip and fall almost before I got out of the starting gate. Even my successes were flawed, because my losses didn’t stick… didn’t even come close to sticking. I’d hit my goal weight like it was a trampoline and then shoot back up into the stratosphere.
The takeaway? Success isn’t a finish line and it sure as hell isn’t a number a scale.
It’s a flame that you tend to, that you feed, nourish and protect.
You start small because that’s the way every fire begins.
You just have to keep making sparks.
Because that’s the only thing that ever turns into a wildfire.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
How to Make Kids Eat More Healthy
• Trick children into eating bananas by showing them how much your pet monkey enjoys eating them.
• Instead of chocolate milk, give them regular milk with brown food coloring.
• Some breakfast cereals, such as SugarBombs, have quite a bit of sugar.
• Never give an infant a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew; make it half Mountain Dew, half tap water.
• Get kids interested in gardening; after ten hours of working in the fields, they’ll be hungry enough to eat anything.
• Chop vegetables up into microscopic pieces and hide them in something they like, such as pudding.
• Let kids help in the kitchen. Hell… make kids cook dinner while you watch some TV.
• Spongebok Choypants.
• Kids learn from their parents, so it might help if you ate something besides macaroni-and-cheese three times a day.
• Tastes are developed even before your child is born, so try rubbing cottage cheese and English peas all over your belly.
• Trick kids into eating more veggies by smothering them with candy gravy.
• Next time your child says “I don’t like this,” try a little something like this: “Well, how would you like me to wear your ass out with my belt?” (That’s a tip from my father Horace, by the way).
• Give your children a Ring Pop every time they eat a bite of something healthy.
• Cut healthy food into fun shapes. No, not a trapezoid, for Pete’s sake! Sometimes I think you’re not even trying…
• Kids are smarter than we give them credit for; don’t tell them that broccoli gives them magic powers unless you can back that claim up.
• Tell your child the story of “The Little Boy Who Died From Not Eating Enough Veggies.”
• If nothing works, try getting some new kids.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A Down Weigh-In (Oh Wait... Not THAT Kind of "Down")
I wake up with a spring in my step and a powerful sense of pride and purpose about the course I am on.
I work out with vigor and verve, pushing myself to the point where I’m a sweaty mess.
I eat mindfully and meticulously, and I know that I’m on the road to better days and a brighter future.
That was the way this week started… but I somehow farked my back up again late in the week. I’ve (temporarily) lost my mobility and lost my drive.
My workouts went pfffffft, and when my workouts go pfffffft, it’s hard for me to hold my eating together.
I swear I’m gonna get this ship righted, gonna get this train moving again, gonna get this show on the road.
But it won’t be this week…
I had a mind to skip out on my weigh-in this week, because I wanted to get rid of those out-of-town pounds before slapping numbers up on here again…
But that kind of defeats the purpose of this thing, huh? I mean, it’s okay to be Jokin’ Jack Flash five or six days out of the week, but there needs to be (at least) one day a week where I take a hard, honest look at my progress (or lack thereof).
So…
Weekly weigh-in: 225.7
Loss: +3.9
Total loss: -66.2
Emotion: Bent but not broken
Saturday, April 2, 2011
W.I.D.T.H. It... W.I.D.T.H. It Good
Watch my swinging... um... watch. You are getting very sleepy. V-e-r-y s-l-e-e-e-e-e-p-y. Your eyelids are getting heavy. Not so heavy that it affects your weigh-in, but heavy nonetheless. You are going to do what I say. When I clap my hands, you are going to feel compelled to take a note card and write down a reason (or a few reasons) why you're on this weight loss/healthy living road. You're going to email it to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com and you're going to be sure to include a blog link if you want it included.
CLAP!
CLAP!
Melissa in Texas
Marie
Friday, April 1, 2011
You'll Thank Me Later
• You eat a donut, I pour a cup of cat urine on your bed.
• Whenever you blow off going to the gym, I send you a video of me flossing my teeth.
• For every four hours of TV you watch, I donate a dollar to the charity you hate the most.
• While you're in that Mexican restaurant scarfing down chips and salsa and margaritas, I'll be filling your iPod with Rush Limbaugh podcasts.
• Every time you skip breakfast, I leave a voicemail with me talking baby talk for five minutes.
• Whenever you eat a candy bar, I shave a swastika on your pet's side.
• While you're playing games on the computer, I sprinkle chia pet seeds in your underwear drawer.
• Whenever you pull into the drive-thru lane of a fast-food restaurant, I yodel a medley of cowboy songs from the backseat.
• Every time you take a step backwards on your healthy living quest, I write another "You'll Thank Me Later..." post.
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