Even More Famous Movie Lines, Jack Sh*t-Style

• “Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

• “Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel loses a pound.”

• “I'll be back… after my workout!”


• “My momma always said, bloggers was like a box of chocolates–all different kinds and most full of nuts.”


• “Well, I believe in the diet, the blog, the push-up, that muscle at the small of a woman's back, high fiber, plenty of water, that these lists by Jack Sh*t are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Jack LeLanne was a fitness pioneer. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing High Fructose Corn Syrup and the McDonald’s Happy Meal. I believe in the sweat spot, low-fat salad dressing, doing your weigh-in once a week rather than every day and I believe in long, slow, deep, hard, workouts that last three hours.”


• “You're gonna need a smaller butt.”

• “I'll make him an sandwich he can't refuse.”

• “Soylent Green is people… but it’s low-fat and gluten-free.”

• “The first rule of Bite Club is - you do not blog about Bite Club. The second rule of Bite Club is - you DO NOT eat Chinese food the day before a weigh-in.”

 •  “When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, my weigh-in sucks.”


• “Yo, Adrian. Let’s just grab a salad tonight.”


• “You're a lean, mean, dieting machine!”


• “I wish I knew how to quit juice.”


• “I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to eat this anymore.”


• “They call me Mister Tibbs and I no longer drink Mister Pibbs.” (Wait… do they still make Mister Pibbs? What about Tab?)


• “Houston, we have weight problem.”


• “Shaken, not stirred… on second thought,  I’ll have a Mango Bobango Smoothie with a vitamin boost.”


• “On my signal, unleash hell… on the treadmill!”

• “I see fat people.”


• “I am going to chop this piece of tilapia up into 42 pieces.”


• “Gluttony, definitely my favorite sin.”


• “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful weight-loss journey.”


Bodfather: Tales from the Bod Squad

This is how it began:  due to the fact that there wasn’t a whole lot of weight losing going on for a site that calls itself a weight-loss blog, I decided to chronicle some other folk’s stories as they did their best to change their ways and their bodies.

I dubbed myself “The Bodfather,” and sent out a call for people willing to do what I told ‘em and share their stories with my blog. Overwhelmed with hundreds of responses, I wound up taking on five individuals. Some had some to lose and some had a lot to lose (and some had a lot more than that. The common denominator:  they all were really gung-ho to make a big change in their lives and they all came in with great attitudes and great motives.

There was Kerensa, a bride-to-be who wanted to walk the aisle in a good-bit-smaller gown. There was Tom, who wanted to be a good example to his young daughter. There was Laurie, a workaholic legal eagle who has had trouble making good health a high priority. There’s Jodi, a young woman with big dreams and too-big everything else. And there’s Billie, a fun, fit mom trapped in a 400+ lb. frame.

This wasn’t a contest, wasn’t a competition. What I was hoping for... what I expected… was that the spotlight of a lot of people watching what they were doing and showing their support would push them forward into uncharted waters. I know for a fact what six months can do… it can change everything!

And for the first couple of months, that seemed to be the case. I heard from each of them fairly regularly, and they all seemed excited about the results they were seeing and the way they were feeling.

But then the holidays hit, as they almost always seem to do in late November. I expected a little stall-out, but I didn’t foresee the going to be as tough for the “Bodfather” participants as it’s been lately. That was probably my bad.

I think it’s rare in our lives that we’re really ready to embrace a big life change. I mean, really and truly ready to take on a life-altering challenge. And that’s what this, after all. A life-altering challenge.

“Life-altering” because you can’t keep doing the same things that got you in the shape that you are. “Challenge” because… well, this sh*t’s hard. Exercising takes effort, time and determination and eating less takes sacrifice and a commitment to not taking the easy way out.

And there’s so much of the world that’s set up to keep us from succeeding. There are traps and temptations around every corner, and some days it just doesn’t seem worth the effort. Besides, instant gratification is so instant and so, so gratifying.

Some of my Bod Squad are faltering and some are flying high and some are somewhere in that mushy, mushy middle where so many of us spend so much time.

If there’s a good story to tell with one (or all) of them, I’ll tell it here.

If not… well, we’ve all been there before, huh?

A Little Random Advice

• If your doctor tells you that you have to give up either chocolate or cheese, don’t worry… I think they make chocolate-covered cheese.

• Building a little maze inside your refrigerator will make you work harder to find delicious snacks and help you eat less of them.

• Run a mile. If you can’t run a mile, walk a mile. If you can’t walk a mile, nap a mile.

• It turns out that “Your hair is really thinning” isn’t really a weight-loss compliment.

• Lying burns more calories than telling the truth.

• One way to eat less sodium is to go to every grocery store in town, empty every container of salt and replace with a salt substitute.

• If you can’t afford a personal trainer, just dress in all black and pretend to be the shadow of the person who’s actually having the personal training session.

• One way to drink more water during the day is to nearly drown.

• You don’t have time not to exercise.

• Soup can have a sneaky amount of fat and calories, especially Cheesy Cream of Cream Cheese Soup.

• If you’re reading this blog right now, there’s probably something more productive you could be doing.

The Fatass Family

They're creepy and they're obese, 
 
Their waistlines on the increase,
They eat too much cooked in grease
.
The Fatass Family. 



Their pantry’s full of junk food.
They’re often fat and drunk, too. 

If you don’t like it, funk you. 
 

The Fatass Family. 



Da da da dunnnnnt
(Classy)
Da da da dunnnnnt

(Sassy)
Da da da dunnnnnt
Da da da dunnnnnt
Da da da dunnn

(Assy) 



So grab a cup of green tea
(it doesn’t have caffeine, see)
I really hope they’ll feed me.

The Faaatassssss Family.




“Next!” I shouted.

“Who are you talking to?” asked my daughter Pisa.

“To all the bloggers who are auditioning for my 'Fatass Family' post,” I told her. “And where’s your goth dress, by the way?”

“I told you I’m not playing the little girl?” she exclaimed.

“Weighinsday Fatass.”

“Huh?” frowned Pisa.

“You know, like Wednesday Addams…”

“Oh yeah,” she half-smiled. “Hee-larious, Dad.”

“I don’t get it,” I remarked. “I thought there’d be loads of people trying out for these parts, especially after my Sh*tagain’s Island posts.”

“Ummmm, how would anybody know you were holding auditions?”

“I announced it in my blog,” I told her.

“When?”

“Ummmmm… today,” I stammered.

Pisa rolled her eyes.

“That’s right,” I said. “I’m going to go through today’s comments and choose bloggers to star in my upcoming Fatass Family post.”

“Well, that could work,” shrugged Pisa.

“Damn straight!” I smiled. “NEXT!”

Ummmm… I’m talking to YOU. 

What part do you want and why should I choose you? Tell me... with feeling!
Action!

No Gain, No Pain

Weekly weigh-in: 217.5
Loss: - 0
Total loss: -74.4
Emotion: Blah

Sometimes a gain on the scale gets stuck in my craw and spurs me on to do a little better with my food choices and maybe even exercise a little harder for the next few days.

Sometimes a loss on the scale throws my mojo into overdrive, supercharging my energy and making it a breeze to keep keeping on with my healthy living ways.

Sometimes a gain on the scale just ticks me off–I mean, really frosts my shorts. It makes me question why all of this stuff doesn’t come more naturally to me and why is it exactly that I’m working so damn hard.

Sometimes a loss on the scale just makes me think that I’m on the going-down section of the roller-coaster, and that I’ll be climbing back up before you know it.

And sometimes… sometimes I (and by “I”, I mean every single one of us) give too much weight to these weary weigh-ins. I mean, I have to do them because I know what will happen if I don’t check in regularly… but… (you knew I’d have a big “but” in there didn’t you? Hey! Don’t say I have a big butt!).

But… video evidence to the contrary, I’m getting better and better at understanding my own body and why it is the way it is. I know I that weigh 3-4 lbs. more when I wake up than when I go to bed, and I know a salty meal will stay with me seemingly forever.

I beat myself up over this stuff just like you beat yourself up, but I’m pretty proud of the progress I’ve made, and I have no intention of giving in anytime soon.

I know that there are some strange forces at work inside my mind and body. Some weeks they work in tandem to achieve the desired results and some weeks they’re locked in evenly-matched game of tug of war (and occasionally… only occasionally… they team up and kick my ass).

I stand on a scale once a week, but all it gives me is a number.

It doesn’t tell me who I am or where I’m headed.

That’s for me to decide.

Send Your W.I.D.T.H. Off Before I Get Pidth Off!

Truth to tell, I never envisioned the kind of response I've gotten when I asked for folks to send me their reasons (via note card or reasonable facsimile) for losing weight and/or getting more healthy. They came pouring in, and there's been a steady stream of them ever since. I don't know about you, but I find them wonderfully inspirational, so much raw emotion boiled down to a tiny little card. Thanks for everyone who has contributed so far and everyone who's going to send me one in the very near future *hint hint*. Email your note (along with a blog link if you want it included) to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com.

 

 

Lucky Girl @ Confessions of a Fatty with No Self-Control

Tammy @ Tammy's Tale

Reese @ Watch Reese Lose

Tony @ The Anti-Jared

Runnergirl @ Runnergirl

SheRon @ Shoes To Lose

Laurie @ Adventures of Gastric Girl

Kelly @ Kelly Is Losing Weight

JourneyBeyondSurvival @ Journey Beyond Survival

Joe @ Joe The Runner

Flabby McGee @ Flabby McGee

Amanda @ Fat Wuz Here

Elastigirl @ Mrs. Busy Girl

Cooking with Jack: Thank God It's Fry-Day

Welcome to Cooking with Jack, the cooking show where the secret ingredient is... love. And crushed red pepper. Today's webisode is going to show you, step by step, how to make the best fried chicken you ever tasted.

First, you're gonna want to get yourself some good fresh chicken.

How can you tell if your chicken is fresh? Well, is it clucking? Is it struggling in your arms? Does it small "chickeny"?

 Now the old-timers will tell you to just grab the beast by the neck and give it a good twist, but that's just too barbaric for my sensibilities...

 

No, this is an animal with a feelings and a name (Dulce) and everything. My daughter Pisa wouldn't let me name any of the chickens and I'm great at naming animals. Who named the rabbit "Elvis Parsley"? Huh, Pisa? And who came up with that classic chicken moniker "Johann Sebastian Bawwk"?

Antyway, what you really need is a good reason to go into chicken-slaughtering mode...

Oh, so you're trying to steal my wallet? Are you kidding me, Dulce? I trusted you. I trusted you!

 What were you gonna buy anyway? A cool wallet like mine?

You've stolen from me for the last time, you stupid clucker.

 

Naw... we can't start killing every time somebody steals something, especially with my track record.

  
YOUR BUCK-BUCK-BLOG IS STUPID!

Say that again, you petty, paltry poultry.

 

YOU HEARD ME. IT'S JUST GOOFY AND BOOOOORING!

That's it! I'm going all Colonel Sanders on your feathery ass!

Hold on, Stabby McGee. Look at what I left on the counter over there for you.

What? All I see is a hilarious refrigerator magnet...

Lower, dumbass.

What? I don't... huh?

 

Free eggs? How awesome is that?

Two eggs, scrambled with a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese = Delish.
And no bloody mess to clean up!