Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Health Tips for New Moms

• Don't shake your newborn baby even though it's an awesome arm workout.

• Yes, breast feeding burns 500 calories per day, but that's no reason to go to the daycare center and try to nurse all the babies.

• You can convert any stroller into a running stroller by pushing it as you run, dumbass.

• Find little pockets of time to exercise during the day, such as in the middle of your infant's 30-second afternoon nap.

• If you're going to toss your baby up in the air, watch out for ceiling fans.

•Don't ever give your infant a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew; make it half tap water, half Mountain Dew.

• If you have a solid plan, there's no reason you can't lose that baby weight before your child graduates from college.

• Never use a newborn infant as a yoga mat.

• Some employers frown on you using maternity leave from fake pregnancy to train for upcoming half-marathon.

• Don't ever, and I mean ever, take advice from a guy giving advice for new moms.


  1. OMGosh. You are TOO funny. Thanks for the morning laugh!! I want to pic a faborite, but they're all great. Hope you're well. I'm getting my crap together to make time for blogging again, hope you'll keep in touch. :) Are you going to Fitbloggin '14?


    1. Surprisingly, all the money I make from blogging (mostly from brands paying me not to blog about them) wasn't enough to get me to Fitbloggin'. But thanks for stopping by.

  2. Don't use your new baby for chest presses unless you want your infant to vomit all over your face.

  3. people get edgy when you try to breastfeed their infants...geesh people, help a lady out.

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