Sh*t Jack Sh*t Says

Just some random lines pulled from random blog posts. YOU say I'm lazy, but I say I'm CRAZY EFFICIENT! 

If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

For some reason, almost all overweight African-American women get upset when you call them “Precious”

It’s on like Genghis Khan playing ping pong versus Donkey Kong.

 “Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

Spongebok Choypants!

How’d you like to come back to my place and sit on my feet while I do sit-ups?

“Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”

Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.

“This is a terrible Farmer's Market,” I told the lady. “It's a garage sale, dumbass,” she replied.

“If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you share with me the training regimen you used to attain it?”

“Don’t go to the zoo today… (flexing) because the pythons are out.”

I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.

When you “accuse”, you make an “acc” out of “u” and “se”. Remember that!

“I sure look good in these home movies,” I told my wife, Anita. “That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass,” she replied.

Tip for bloggers: bloggity blog blog blog (sorry, that's all I've got...)

Now Who's The Lazy One? I told you I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site and you haven't gone to see it yet? What? I didn't tell you. Oh, my bad. I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site which you can visit by clicking on this convenient link.

C’mon Get Healthy

Hello, blog, here’s a post that I’m postin’,
C’mon get healthy.
A whole lotta veggies is what I’ll be roastin’
It’ll make you healthy.


I had a dream we’d all get fit together.
We’d celebrate on Facebook then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens to cause me to stumble,
But I guess if I keep tryin’ I won’t get too far gone.
Tweetin’ along as we all keep on lightenin’
C’mon get healthy.
A whole lotta movin’ and a lil’ bit of dietin’,
It’ll make you healthy.
It’ll make you healthy.
It’ll make you happy.

FU, Scale!

Weekly weigh-in: 251.5
 Loss: +.1

Total loss: -40.0
Emotion: Grrrrrr

Speaking of blowing stuff up...

Join me tonight at  8 p.m. EST/5 p.m. PST as I have some vague and unspecified role in a Tweet it Off online support group twitter-chat something-or-other. You'll find us under the hashtag #twitterdiet. It's the most fun you can have with your pants on (note: pants optional).

There’s No W.I.D.T.H.ering On This Vine

I’ll be honest: as much as I really like my bloggity-blog’s W.I.D.T.H. feature, I figured that it might just have run its course.

If you’re new to these parts, W.I.D.T.H. stands for “Why I Do This Here” and it’s been this site’s most enduring feature. Folks send in photos that express the reason (or reasons) that they’re on this weight loss and/or healthy living roller coaster.

Anyway, I got invited to do some guest posting on Anytime Health’s site and was asked specifically to do a W.I.D.T.H. post.

I did it (check it out here), and suddenly my email inbox was filled with new pix, new ideas, new reasons for getting healthy.

What’s your motivation for doing this? Your family? Your future? Share it with me and the rest of the world (or at least that teensy-tiny part of the world that stops by this blog every so often). Be sure and include a blog link if you’d like a cheap way to get a little traffic to your site. Send it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com and let’s keep this W.I.D.T.H. train running a little longer. 

 Britt - "Why I workout.. For a climb like this!
Two and a half hours of stairs to see Machu Picchu in Peru!" 

 Curtis @ Race Fifty States

Emily- "This sweet face motivates me to get fit! 

She is my fav workout buddy!  We started running together!"

Greta @ Frumpy to Fabulous

 Jennifer - "My kids are my main reason, but this picture keeps me going. I struggle with my weight everyday. Its always Up and down, but I don't ever want to be in a double pants size ever again." 

 Laura @ Diary of a Fat Girl

 Laurie

 Shiloh

Tiff

More Paula Deen Sightings

Last week, professional butter-wrangler Paula Deen announced that she’s been suffering from type 2 diabetes for the past three years. 

She acknowledged that a person has “to make changes in your life” but apparently, Deen isn't quite ready for a full-scale nutritional overhaul.

TMZ posted a photo of Deen cramming down a cheeseburger and fries this week while on a Caribbean cruise. 

My prediction for future Deen sightings…

• Caught eating fried shrimp right out of an industrial-sized fry daddy in back of Red Lobster kitchen

• Stopped by airport security trying to smuggle gallon jug of boiled custard onto flight

• Discovered hot-boxing a Philly cheesesteak during commercial break of Today Show appearance

• Photographed by grocery store security camera drinking entire bottle of Thousand Island dressing

• Shows up dressed in Girl Scout uniform to pick up 200 boxes of Thin Mints

• Wins “who-can-eat-most-sticks-of-butter-in-10-minutes” bet against competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi

• College kid at Taco Bell takes cellphone movie of Paula’s 2 a.m. taco frenzy

• Reportedly slaps a waitress who brings her a side of fresh fruit instead of the bowl of mayonnaise she asked for

• Panicked 9-1-1 call ends up with authorities finding Deen’s unsconscious body in a hot tub filled with rotel dip

Stress Busters!

• When your boss is talking to you, imagine that it’s the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons: “Waaah waaaah wahhhh, wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhh.”

• When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Do something nice for someone, and by “someone” I mean me and by “something nice” I mean pay my daughter’s college tuition.

• Close your eyes, taking deep calming breaths and… WILL YOU QUIT HONKING AT ME… I’M TRYING TO REDUCE MY STRESS OVER HERE!!!!

• Remember that “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”… cheesecake to the rescue!

• Instead of worrying about all your problems, why don’t you try to make them all magically go away. I mean, have you tried making them all magically go away? Have you? HAVE YOU?

• Mondays are generally a high-stress day so consider just staying home in bed that day.

• Before going to bed, drink a cup of warm whiskey.

• Sex is a great stress reducer, but be careful that you don’t make a baby, which a great stress increaser.

I Think I Can

There was once a not-so-tiny train that thought he weighed too much.

“11,000 tons?” he remarked in disgust at his previous weigh-in. “I’ve got to get back on track.”

So the next day, he chugged 1,000 miles without stopping.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

But later that week, the scale still said 11,000 tons.

“I don’t get it,” whined the train. “I’ve been working my caboose off with no results.”

The next week, he chugged 2,500 miles, including up a very steep mountain.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

Weigh-in: 11,000 tons.

“Is there nothing I can do to engineer a loss?” he asked desolately.

“Hello,” said a stranger who was wandering along the train tracks. “My name is Boxcar Jacky and I think I can help.”

“You think you can?” asked the train.

“I think I can,” repeated Boxcar Jacky. “Exercise alone isn’t always enough to lighten your load. Consider consuming fewer calories as well.”

“I’m a train, dumbass,” exclaimed the train.

“Oh yeah,” remarked Boxcar Jacky. “Well, how’s about we uncouple a few of your cars.”

They did, and the train came in at a svelte 10,500 tons at his next weigh-in.

“Lose weight?” smiled the train. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

“Great,” smiled Boxcar Jacky. “Now can I catch a ride down the line?”

“Are you kidding me?” laughed the train, taking off down the track. “I just lost 500 tons; you think I want to gain it right back?”