Stress Busters!

• When your boss is talking to you, imagine that it’s the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons: “Waaah waaaah wahhhh, wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhh.”

• When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Do something nice for someone, and by “someone” I mean me and by “something nice” I mean pay my daughter’s college tuition.

• Close your eyes, taking deep calming breaths and… WILL YOU QUIT HONKING AT ME… I’M TRYING TO REDUCE MY STRESS OVER HERE!!!!

• Remember that “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”… cheesecake to the rescue!

• Instead of worrying about all your problems, why don’t you try to make them all magically go away. I mean, have you tried making them all magically go away? Have you? HAVE YOU?

• Mondays are generally a high-stress day so consider just staying home in bed that day.

• Before going to bed, drink a cup of warm whiskey.

• Sex is a great stress reducer, but be careful that you don’t make a baby, which a great stress increaser.

Stress Relief Tips

• Take a deep breath… of Nitrous oxide.

• Unplug for a bit… but first post on your blog, update your Facebook status, tweet what you’re doing, check your voice mail, do whatever you do to LinkedIn, etc.

• Taking a vacation is a great way to relieve stress… that is, until you get back and realize that all your work just piled up on your desk and now you’ve gotta work twice as hard to catch up.

• Drink a big cup of chamomile whiskey.

• Giving up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food can give you a stress-free existence right up until the moment you kill yourself.

• Hypnosis is a fantastic way to reduce tension and for me to make you cluck like a chicken and duck-walk across the room.

• Visualization works, but only if you really believe in it, so visualize yourself visualizing yourself becoming more relaxed and refreshed.

• Keep one of those stress balls on your desk so that when you’re feeling ultra-stressed, you can just squeeze, squeeze, squee… DAMMIT! Busted stress ball and sand all over keyboard!

• Do yoga to Enya music, or–better yet–do Enya to yoga music.

• Stop gritting your teeth and start gritting somebody else’s teeth.

• Find your chi, the vital life force that flows throughout the body. If you can’t find your chi, there’s some cheese that probably has your name on it.

• Take a walk in a hot bubble bath.

• Say a little prayer. Here… I’ll get you started: “Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight.”

• Tiptoe through the tulips, bitch.