Say “Yes” to Less-Stress Success

• You can turn a tennis ball into a stress ball by... well... just by squeezing it, I guess. Great job!

• Screaming at your boss and walking out of the office with your pants around your ankles will make you feel better for 30 seconds or so.

• Breathing exercises are a great way to reduce stress. Try this: breath out, then breath out again, then breath out again, one more time, out, out, out. Now when you wake up from having passed out, I’ll bet you feel much better.

• Some “experts” tout the benefits of ammoniatherapy in stress reduction, but smelling a rag dipped in ammonia just gives me a headache.

• Try a cup of chamomile tea while listening to classical music while getting a massage while having sex. Talk about relaxing!

• Giant pile of laundry got you feeling down? Do you own a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches?

• Sometimes all it takes to calm yourself down is taking a long walk down a quiet Mexican beach.

Stress Relief Tips

• Take a deep breath… of Nitrous oxide.

• Unplug for a bit… but first post on your blog, update your Facebook status, tweet what you’re doing, check your voice mail, do whatever you do to LinkedIn, etc.

• Taking a vacation is a great way to relieve stress… that is, until you get back and realize that all your work just piled up on your desk and now you’ve gotta work twice as hard to catch up.

• Drink a big cup of chamomile whiskey.

• Giving up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food can give you a stress-free existence right up until the moment you kill yourself.

• Hypnosis is a fantastic way to reduce tension and for me to make you cluck like a chicken and duck-walk across the room.

• Visualization works, but only if you really believe in it, so visualize yourself visualizing yourself becoming more relaxed and refreshed.

• Keep one of those stress balls on your desk so that when you’re feeling ultra-stressed, you can just squeeze, squeeze, squee… DAMMIT! Busted stress ball and sand all over keyboard!

• Do yoga to Enya music, or–better yet–do Enya to yoga music.

• Stop gritting your teeth and start gritting somebody else’s teeth.

• Find your chi, the vital life force that flows throughout the body. If you can’t find your chi, there’s some cheese that probably has your name on it.

• Take a walk in a hot bubble bath.

• Say a little prayer. Here… I’ll get you started: “Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight.”

• Tiptoe through the tulips, bitch.