More Sh*t Jack Sh*t Says…

• Try my "Coke Water" recipe (half Coke, half water); it has half the calories and sugar of regular Coke!

• Looking for a mood improver? Try a small piece of dark chocolate with a Zoloft tablet inside.

• The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now (wait... I feel like 2nd best time should be 19 years ago).

• Health tip: You can make your own healthy Omega-3 fish oil by oiling a fish and then adding some Omega-3 to it.

• Household hint: Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

• It was kinda awkward when the homeless guy pulled me outta the way of upcoming bus, then it turned out I didn't have any spare change.

• Live each day as though it's your last; mine's been filled with updating my will and leaving weepy messages on friend's voicemails...

• If I had to be marooned on a desert island with just one item, I suppose I would choose some sort of wish-granting machine. What about you?

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Productivity tip: Instead of “you’re”, always just type “your” – everyone knows it means the same thing!

• Dammit! Got dressed in the dark and just realized I put on two different colored pair of pants...

• Health tip: Eat half whole-wheat pasta or whole half-wheat pasta.

• I don't understand it; I did 20 minutes on the stationary treadmill and didn't even break a sweat...

THE DAILY SCALEY

Traveling out of town, so weighed myself 

on luggage scale (max weight: 75 lbs). 

Sh*t Jack Sh*t Says

Just some random lines pulled from random blog posts. YOU say I'm lazy, but I say I'm CRAZY EFFICIENT! 

If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

For some reason, almost all overweight African-American women get upset when you call them “Precious”

It’s on like Genghis Khan playing ping pong versus Donkey Kong.

 “Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

Spongebok Choypants!

How’d you like to come back to my place and sit on my feet while I do sit-ups?

“Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”

Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.

“This is a terrible Farmer's Market,” I told the lady. “It's a garage sale, dumbass,” she replied.

“If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you share with me the training regimen you used to attain it?”

“Don’t go to the zoo today… (flexing) because the pythons are out.”

I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.

When you “accuse”, you make an “acc” out of “u” and “se”. Remember that!

“I sure look good in these home movies,” I told my wife, Anita. “That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass,” she replied.

Tip for bloggers: bloggity blog blog blog (sorry, that's all I've got...)

Now Who's The Lazy One? I told you I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site and you haven't gone to see it yet? What? I didn't tell you. Oh, my bad. I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site which you can visit by clicking on this convenient link.