More Paula Deen Sightings

Last week, professional butter-wrangler Paula Deen announced that she’s been suffering from type 2 diabetes for the past three years. 

She acknowledged that a person has “to make changes in your life” but apparently, Deen isn't quite ready for a full-scale nutritional overhaul.

TMZ posted a photo of Deen cramming down a cheeseburger and fries this week while on a Caribbean cruise. 

My prediction for future Deen sightings…

• Caught eating fried shrimp right out of an industrial-sized fry daddy in back of Red Lobster kitchen

• Stopped by airport security trying to smuggle gallon jug of boiled custard onto flight

• Discovered hot-boxing a Philly cheesesteak during commercial break of Today Show appearance

• Photographed by grocery store security camera drinking entire bottle of Thousand Island dressing

• Shows up dressed in Girl Scout uniform to pick up 200 boxes of Thin Mints

• Wins “who-can-eat-most-sticks-of-butter-in-10-minutes” bet against competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi

• College kid at Taco Bell takes cellphone movie of Paula’s 2 a.m. taco frenzy

• Reportedly slaps a waitress who brings her a side of fresh fruit instead of the bowl of mayonnaise she asked for

• Panicked 9-1-1 call ends up with authorities finding Deen’s unsconscious body in a hot tub filled with rotel dip

An Open Letter to Paula Deen

Dear Paula,

You seem like a nice enough lady. You kind of have that wacky aunt thing going, the loud and boisterous relative that you don’t mind spending a little time with at a family reunion.

And I hate to jump on you when you’re down. I recently read where you've been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but continue to promote the kind of diet that… well… leads people down the path to type 2 diabetes.

I don’t normally watch your cooking show(s), Paula. However, I was flipping the channel while I was ellipticalizing at the gym one day and came across your smiling mug.

You were making some kind of crazy ham-and-cheese sammich. I was shaking my head because you loaded that puppy up with gobs of cheese and homemade mayonnaise and then started frying that bitch up with a stick of butter. A stick of butter!

I remember thinking, “Wow, how unhealthy is that?” but you, my dear, were just getting started. You broiled some more cheese on top of that rascal, and then plopped a big greasy fried egg smack on top.

And then… OMFG… you slathered creamy hollandaise sauce all over the top of it. Satan wouldn’t even serve that sandwich in Hell’s cafeteria, Paula. I’m serious. I had bad dreams for a week.

And what about your Donut Bread Pudding? Two cans of sugary fruit cocktail, a can of sweetened condensed milk, an entire stick of butter, a pound of powdered sugar and – are you sh*ttin’ me? – two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. My cholesterol went up 20 notches just reading about it.


When I first heard this report about your health, I felt sorry for you, Paula. But it turns out you’ve known about your condition for quite some time and still promote and peddle your heart-attack-ready recipes. 

I dunno, Paula. That’s kind of like turning on the TV and seeing Mister Rogers teaching kids to roll their own cigarettes (actually, that would have been a better analogy if Mister Rogers had contracted lung cancer; let's just pretend, for the sake of my argument, that he did).

I sincerely hope you can get a handle on your diabetes, Paula. But just as important, I hope you come to grips with the fact that with great flavor comes great responsibility.

You could be an agent for positive change in this uninformed and unhealthy world, Paula, but the first ingredient on this quest has to be knowledge… not a stick of butter.

Take care,

Jack