Ways Losing Weight Is Like Sex

• There’s no single right way to do it.
• It’s more fun when somebody’s doing it with you.
• The whole process is filled with a lot of moaning and groaning.
• It’s a lot more fun when you experiment.
• It’s hard to do at a restaurant.
• Sometimes, you’re just on your own.
• Size matters.
• If you don’t move and work up a sweat, you won’t see good results.
• Even if you’re only partially successful… hey, it’s still good.
• Sometimes a mirror helps.
• Getting in new pants is a big incentive.
• It can make you a little crazy.
• Eating a submarine sandwich in bed can spoil it.
• Some days you just know it’s not going to happen.
• There’s a ton of resources on the internet on the subject.
• If you do it well, the final result is spectacular.

How Committed Am I?

• I am 1,000,000% committed
• I will work 25/8/366 …that’s right, 25 hours a day, eight days a week, 366 days a year (except for Leap Year, in which I will work 367 days!)
• I believe there is no “I” in “failure”
• I am so committed, I make a couple’s 50th wedding anniversary look like a first date
• I ripped the page with “quit” on it out of the dictionary (can somebody help me spell quintecential, quentisental, quentasential…grrrrrr)
• There’s an old saying: “An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.” Well, I’m going to deliver 10 gallons of performance, which is worth, like, 100 pounds of promises.
• I’m more committed than Lassie trying to bring help for little Timmy, who got his *ss stuck in the well
• I’m getting a tattoo that says “Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek” on my ring finger.
• I am infinity times infinity plus infinity committed
• Consider a breakfast served to you of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved in the breakfast. The pig is committed. I am ten times more committed than that pig.
• When you go to www.100-percent-commitment.com, it would redirect to this blog site if I had had the foresight to buy that domain name a few years ago when it was available.
• If you could see my face right now, you’d see that I’m gritting my teeth in an expression of absolute total commitment.
• I will never, ever give up… and if I do ever give do give up, I promise I will shoot myself in the face with a water gun filled with honey and stick my entire head in a fire ant hole… but
  I won’t because I will never, ever give up…and if I do, I’ll do the fire ant thing…but I won’t because I just won’t!*

*And if I do, FIRE ANTS!

My Body's A Wonderland

As in, “I wonder what it’s going to do to me this week.” Here’s what I had to deal with over the past seven days:

• Missed three of my regular workouts
• Parents sent over a high-fat meal (including cake and a pecan pie) to my house for bday
• Co-worker left a bag of candy bars on my desk for bday
• Bday dinner at my favorite restaurant
• Bday cake at work

It felt like just too much to overcome, so even though I’ve really knuckled down and done well the past few days, I stepped on the scale this morning with a sense of doom and trepidation, sort of like when Indiana Jones goes into the dark, scary cave in the deepest, darkest part of the forbidden Amazon and steps on the scale.

Weekly weigh-in: 257.8
Loss: 3.5 lbs
Total loss: 33.7 lbs.
Emotion: Bewilderment

It just goes to show that missteps along the way don’t always count against you in the long run. Looking back on it, I think that the fear of what I’d done to myself added extra intensity to my workouts (which I caught back up on late in the week) and added a laser-like focus to what I was consuming.

Yes, I’m getting older, but I like to think I’m getting better as well.

More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

• “Don’t worry–I’m wiping the sweat off the machine with my sweaty towel.”
• “This isn’t really an iPod; it’s a bar of Dial Soap with a shoelace stuck in it.”
• “I like that this treadmill has a TV, but I wish it had a recliner, too.”
• “Are you really not supposed to pee in the shower?”
• “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
• “How many sit-ups does it take to burn off a chimichanga?”
• “Wow, how’d you get so muscley?”
• “Want to share a set of earphones?”
• “Pardon me if I shout obscenities while I use the rowing machine.”
• “I wish they’d replace these mirrors with those ones from the funhouse.”
• “I think they call it an “elliptical” machine because it makes you feel elliptical all over.”
• “Does this water taste too steroidy?”
• “I thought I hired a personal trainer, but it turns out it was just a homeless guy at the bus station.”
• “I’m Popeye the Sailor Man. Dilly dilly do...Popeye the sailor…what? You never sing along with your mp3 player?”
• “Who wants tickets to the gun show, baby? Oh… I didn’t realize there was an actual gun show in town. No, I don’t really have any tickets. I’m sorry I bothered you.”
• “Mind if I blog about this conversation this afternoon?”

Confush*t Say...

...person who weigh in every day eventually get pounded.

...person who eat too much cake is icing for trouble.

...person who enter 5K race without training is running with wrong crowd.

...person who forgets the pasta is doomed to reheat it.

...person who always clean plate find leftovers on scale.

...person who think dieting with children is easy is kidding self.

...person with bad eating habits won't see gut results.

...person who skip breakfast break faster.

...person who break wind in crowded gym best excercise discretion.

...person who visit scale weekly has weight-and-see attitude.

...person who say brownies talk to him might be fudging truth.

...person who write weight loss blog is starving for attention.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

A Letter to Myself from Myself a Year From Now

Dear Jack,

I’m emailing you from one year in the future (go to Outlook under Preferences and turn off “Linear Time” setting… oh, wait… that might be in the next upgrade). As someone who knows you better than most, let me be the first to say, “I never thought you’d be able to do it.”

I mean, really. Fourteen months ago you were a f*cking mess. Feeling sorry for yourself. Constant aches and pains. Eating in the car, at your desk, standing over the sink. Eating, eating, eating.

Then one day you snapped out of it. I can’t even remember exactly what set you off, but you got your act together and I’m sure glad you did. I’m here to report that life is better than ever for your future self. Here’s the lowdown…


The good news: You have really lost a lot of weight.
The bad news: Some of those skinny pants you saved weren’t as fashionable as you thought.

The good news: You feel better than you have for years.
The bad news: You don’t have any excuse not to do all that work around the house anymore.

The good news: You’ve managed to keep the weight off.
The bad news: New Cell Scale technology makes your cell phone yell out your current weight every 20 minutes.

The good news: Paris Hilton got really, really fat.
The bad news: She gets drunk and posts obnoxious comments on your blog all the time.

The good news: You’re going to get a sweet new car this fall.
The bad news: Please wear your seat belt (especially on November 12th, January 24th, February 2nd and April 20th).

The good news: The economy finally got better.
The bad news: Gas is $7 a gallon.

The good news: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is still going strong.
The bad news: You ran out of good ideas 11 months ago.


Anyway, happy birthday Year-Ago Jack. Thanks a bunch for getting your sh*t together, buddy.

Sincerely,

Jack Sh*t
May 28, 2010

What the Celery Said to Me...

• “Hey, I’m not gonna eat myself.”
• “Don’t smear peanut butter on me; I’m allergic to peanuts… arrrrggghhh!”
• “Y’know, famed Italian lover Casanova made sure to include lots of celery in his diet to keep up his stamina. Wink wink.”
• “No, you can’t put me in a Bloody Mary.”
• “What? Are you waiting for a better offer from the brownies?”
• “Dude, I’m celery. Eat all you want.”
• “Medium stalk. Six f*ckin’ calories. Booya!”
• “Close your eyes and pretend I’m French fries.”
• “If I make you throw up, that’s even fewer calories.”
• “Blue cheese dressing? I don’t think so.”
• “Yes, I’m pretty sure I’m an actual food.”
• “If you don’t eat me, I’m gonna stalk you. Get it? Stalk you.”
• “Don’t I bring back memories of when you hated celery as a kid?”
• “Come on, get your crunch on.”
• “Aren’t you in the mood for a snack that tastes like *ss?”