Friday, June 10, 2011

The Fattysburg Address

Four score and seven pounds ago, we brought forth on this internet, a new blog, conceived in Desperation, and dedicated to the proposition that all men (and women) have the right to be healthy.

Now we are engaged in a great battle of the bulge, testing whether our resolve, or that of any dieter so committed and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield, laden with salty temptations and sugary treats.


We gather here today not to mope about all the weight we have yet to lose, but to celebrate all those pounds that have gone to their great reward. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.


But, in a larger sense, we can not stop to pat ourselves on the back – we can not waver – we can not waffle—on this journey (dammit… now I’m thinking about waffles…).


The world will little note, nor long remember, that we once wore pants six sizes larger than we do now. But we can never forget where we started and how important this is to us.


It is for us who seek good health and fitness, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which we have fought so far here and have thus far so nobly advanced.


It is rather for us to continue to be dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that whether we experience a gain or a loss at our weigh-in, we take increased devotion to that cause for which we have given the last full measure of devotion.


That we here highly resolve that the pounds we have shed shall not be regained -- that this journey, and this blog, shall witness a new birth of freedom -- and that good health… of our bodies, to our bodies and for our bodies… shall never perish from our hopes and dreams.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

More Ways to Give Your Weigh-In More Pizzazz

• Weigh yourself in Spanish.
• Do a back flip and land on scale (extra points if you nail the dismount).
• Weigh yourself on world’s tiniest scale.
• Better choreography.
• Weigh in on horseback (then if you have a gain, you can blame it on all the hay stupid horse ate)
• Have guy at carnival guess your weight.
• Body paint.
• Get local TV station be incorporate your weigh-in with announcement of Powerball winning numbers.
• Do it in the nude. At the airport.
• Hire bugler to play “Taps”.
• Convert your weight into heiroglyhics.
• Recreate the famous weigh-in scene from Gone With the Wind.
• Replace bathroom fixtures with strobe lights.
• If you show a gain, write a mad-as-hell letter to the editor!
• Videotape your weigh-ins and study them afterwards to see what exactly you did wrong.
• Try using your Jedi mind tricks on scale.
• Page 57 from the Kama Scaletra.
• Try losing a little weight.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It's True...



However, I am guest posting over at Sleeping Naked After 40. Yes, I have a link. Wait... I know I brought it with me. It's here somewhere... yarn... floss... taffy... more yarn... oh, here it is: link.

And if you want to read something that made me cry, check out this one.


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weight-Loss Bumper Stickers


MY OTHER JEANS ARE TOO BIG.

IF YOU’RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO READ THIS, YOU PROBABLY NOTICED I’VE DROPPED A FEW POUNDS.

CAUTION! I BRAKE FOR SMOOTHIES.

BABY CARROTS ON BOARD.

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE. HEART DISEASE CAUSED BY POOR DIET AND A SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE DOES.

DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS TOAST.


GIVE PEAS A CHANCE.

I HATE OBAMA (BUT I MUST ADMIT HE’S A PRETTY GOOD EXAMPLE OF A LEAN AND FIT PRESIDENT)

I’D RATHER BE JOGGING.

I 8 2 MUCH.

MAKE DINNER NOT WAR.

HOW’S MY BLOGGING? CALL 1-888-STFU.


Monday, June 6, 2011

Amazing

Do you ever feel as though this journey you’re on is a maze, that you’re confounded and confused at every turn? One day you you’re making good progress; another day you’ve run smack-dab into an unforgiving obstacle.

There’s a simple trick, you know, to even the most elaborate labyrinth; it turns out that if you stretch out your right hand and keep your fingertips brushing against the wall of the maze, and simply move forward––no matter your pace–you’ll eventually make it to the exit.

It’s not necessarily the fastest way out, but it will get you through without the worry of getting turned around or lost. Best of all, it works every single time.

I’ll admit that I’ve lost my way more than once in my quest for better health, but I eventually remember the simple rules that always lead me back to where I want to be.

Eat a little less, eat a little more healthy, exercise more.

I put my hand out and touch the wall.

I walk forward, confident that it works.

Every single time.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

A Date With Density

Weekly weigh-in: 229.8
Loss: +5.5
Total loss: -62.1
Emotion: &*@#$%!

Well, I’ve been putting off stepping on the scale for weeks, thinking that I needed just a little more time to undo the overdoing I’ve been doing; however I’ve been underdoing on the undoing and doing more overdoing instead. Not only does that not make sense, but it doesn’t even make any sense!

Something funny happened when I got without 10 pounds of my absolute *perfect* goal weight… I turned around twice and I was 15 pounds from it… 20 pounds from it… 30 pounds from it. Okay, maybe it wasn’t funny in a “ha ha” way. And maybe it wasn't funny in a strange way either. I guess it wasn’t really funny at all come to think of it…

What started off as a slight course correction has suddenly because a legitimate cause for concern. Pants that I was wearing comfortably a few months ago have been sheepishly moved to an out-of-reach shelf.

I’m not going to stand here and scream about how I’m gonna kick it up into high gear now because I’ve done this too often to think that a big “This is it!” proclamation is going to fuel anything but a day or two of good behavior.

So I’m going to sit back and reassess. Tweak my workout routine and try to trim some of the bad habits that have seemed to creep back in my day-to-day existence. It may even mean that some of the time I currently squander making ridiculous lists and silly songs for this space will need to be spent making sweat bubble up out of my body. You know what they say: when the going gets tough, get going toughly and okay... I wasn't paying much attention when they were talking about the going getting tough. Sorry...

Anyway, take a deep breath… and do what you need to do to be what you want to be.

Monday’s infinity + infinity away.

Start today.


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