If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Then Join ‘Em… And Then Beat ‘Em!

Tried eating more and exercising less, and that didn’t work.

So I tried exercising less and eating more and that didn’t work either.

Tried exercising little more, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Tried eating little less, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Now I’m gonna try not eating more anymore and not exercising less anymore.

More less-eating.

Less exercising  less.

Less more-eating.

More exercising more.

I think that about covers it…

THE (SEMI)WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Last weigh-in: 241.0 lbs.

Loss: --

Healthiness Is...

...running up a flight of stairs without having to stop and utter the phrase "I think I'm gonna die" multiple times.

... getting as excited going to the farmers market as you used to get going to Baskin-Robbins.

...forgetting exactly how an elevator works.

...weighing yourself without shouting "You bitch!" at the scale.

...peace of mind that comes with the knowledge that you'll easily be able to outrun the filthy undead after Zombie Apocalypse.

...breakfast cereal that doesn't glow in the dark.

...a pair of worn-out running shoes.

...running to the end of the treadmill.

...vegetables in a smoothie!

...getting a good night's sleep instead of playing "Bejeweled" until 2 a.m.

...literally jumping for joy.

Even More Healthy Super Bowl Party Ideas

• Chin-ups & dip

• Every time a team scores, everybody does 5-minute touchdown dance

• Six-pack of beets

• Put TV on a spinning turntable so everyone has to keep moving to watch game

• Truvia Trivia (game with questions about “Nature’s Calorie-Free Sweetener”)

• Swedish wheatballs

• Homemade Doritos made out of kale

• Tofu-tball… no it’s not what you think… it’s a football made out of tofu. What? That’s what you thought it was? Damn, are you some kind of psychic?

• Buffalo Wings made from genuine buffalo

• Instead of 7-Layer Dip, try 6-Layer Dip… that’s 14% less layer

• Halftime half-marathon

This Blog Is Going to the Dogs...

People ask me, "Jack, you seem to be relying an awful lot on the cuteness of baby puppies to drive traffic to your blog."

I don't answer silly questions like that because... technically, they're not even really questions. I mean, there's no question mark is there?

Do I occasionally slip a puppy into a post?

Do I abuse very young animals for your amusement from time to time?

 

Do I ask myself questions that I have no intention of answering?

Maybe you hate puppies, and if that's the case, well... I feel sorry for you, my friend.

Puppies are just one of the many health and wellness tools I use to inspire my readers to live a more healthy life.

 

I don't plan on ever giving up on my weight loss journey, and I've made arrangements so that I have all the puppies I need for as long as I continue blogging. 

 Hmmmmm... this batch isn't quite ready for blogging duty yet.

But stay tuned...

Good Health for Cheapskates

• You can make your own crockpot by crocking up a regular pot.

• Instead of joining an expensive fitness center, why not just use the exercise equipment at Sears until the security guard asks you to leave?

• Can’t afford a personal trainer? Try using a puppet that you make shriek at yourself to do more sit-ups.

• Don't be afraid of frozen fruits and vegetables; yes, there’s a chance you could get trapped in the freezer case while reaching for the that bag of green beans, but the likelihood is slim.

• You can make your own Cheeto’s by mixing a little enriched corn meal, vegetable oil whey, salt, cheddar cheese, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, maltodextrin, disodium phosphate, sour cream, artificial flavor, monosodium glutamate, lactic acid, artificial colors (including yellow 6) and citric acid.

• Greek yogurt too expensive? Try regular yogurt with a few Greek olives in it.

• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.

• You can make your own weights by getting a stick and attaching an equal amount of some sort of weight on each end.

Cooking with Little Lord Fauntleroy

Welcome to "Cooking with Jack", the cooking show that, quite frankly, makes other cooking shows look like crap on a stick. Today we're getting extra fancy by making Vichyssoise, which is French for "fancy soup". If you're unsure of how to pronounce it, remember this little rhyme: "The squishy squaw served Vichyssoise to Yo-Yo Ma."

Since we're getting all fancy in here, I'm bringing in my chef-in-training Fauntleroy to assist in my fancy soup-making efforts.

It's a good idea to wash your paws before assembling the ingredients of this creamy potato-leek soup.

Oh my freakin' god! I accidentally bought super mutant green onions! (I'm joshing... those are leeks, dumbass).

Next you need one medium-sized funnel.

"Excuse me, Mister Jack. I believe the recipe calls for fennel, not funnel, dumbass."

 

Right you are, my good dog-sir. So take one fennel bulb.

"Y'know, Jack... ancient roman texts mention the value of fennel for its aromatic seeds and succulent edible stalks. The ruler Charlemagne promoted its use during medieval times, cultivating the herb on his imperial farms. Fennel root was one of the flavorings used in Sack, an alcoholic drink featuring mead that was popular during Shakespearian times."

Enough interesting facts about fennel, Fauntleroy. Let's get to choppin'!

Slice up the leeks, mostly using the white ends.

 

Then chop the fennel bulb up, pausing to reflect that your first two ingredients have made your cooking 75% fancier than what you normally cook. 

"Haven't you forgotten something, Jack?"

 

Oh yeah, we're also going to slice up a clove or two of garlic (do NOT make the mistake of slicing up a garlic or two of cloves!)

 

I also forgot to mention that you really need to wear a tie or fancy sweater when making (or even saying) Vichyssoise.

Next we take a spoontable of butter and melt it in a big soup pan over medium high-low heat.

Don't scorch the butter, even though "scorch" is a really fun word to say. SCORCH! SCORCH!

Now add the leeks, fennel bulb and garlic. It's a good idea to recite French poetry during this step.

Cook that mess for 10-12 minutes; by then it should look a little something like this...

Now stop what you're doing and peel three Yukon Gold potatoes. You can use regular baking potatoes if you want, but have you checked out the price of gold these days?

Dice those mothers up!

Now open a bottle of white wine and drink all but a fourth of a cup or so.

Pour the remaining fourth cup in with the leek-fennel-garlic mix.

Add five cups of water along with the diced potatoes.

 

Add a sprig of fresh thyme if you have it, or a little diced thyme if your wife isn't home and you don't know which one of the herbs in the garden are thyme and which ones are poison ivy.

 

Cover and cook on low heat for 40 minutes. It should look like this...

 

Let us take a moment and admire my color-coordinated kitchenware.

Wow! That was a fast 40 minutes!

 

When the potatoes get soft, scoop everything up in batches and blend until smooth.

If you lost the top of your blender like I did, use a small plate and don't put setting on "turbo". And make certain that you're assistant doesn't fall in!

Turn off heat, and whisk in a half cup or so of reduced fat sour cream.

 

Add salt and pepper to taste.

Top with freshly cut chives and... HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!

Serve with a nice glass of... what the? WHO DRANK UP ALL MY WINE?!?

 

Oh, well. Anyway, now you've got a dish that's fancy enough to serve when you have company over.

"Mmmmmmmmmm! Very vishy!"

"Thanks, Jack!"