W.I.D.T.H. My Compliments

It never fails to brighten my day when another W.I.D.T.H. contribution crosses my email inbox. I never know if it's going to be something funny, something clever, something heartfelt, something sad.

Why are you doing this anyway? Can you boil it down to a note card? Can you work a camera? Can you attach an attachment to an email? Can you type "jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com" into to "To" portion of an email document? Can you remember to include your blog link? Can you go on and do it today?

Abbie @ Stylish Heart

Sassy @ Real Fat and Sassy

Cheryl @ Losing My Behind

Kimmy @ Kimmy's Weight Loss Challenge

Angela Pea @ Keeping the Faith - Skinny Me Edition!

Sarah @ Low Stress Weight Loss

Scarlet Simple @ A 252 Pound Journey to Being Free

Lotstolove @ This Fat Suits Too Tight!

Amanda @ Get to Goal

My Last Word on the Philips DirectLife Activity Monitor

 This little electronic gizmo changed the way I look at my day-to-day activity.

It’s called the Philips DirectLife activity monitor and it’s about as hard to use as a spoon. I mean, you just stick the doohickey in your pocket (or wear it around your neck) and go.

Every day, or every so often, you just dock it to your computer and it tells you how many calories’ worth of activity you’ve burned. But the device lets you know just by looking at it, through a series of lights, just how close you are to your daily goal.

It’s completely waterproof, so you can swim laps with it or carry it around in your mouth if you want to. The square shape helps keep it from sliding down your throat if (when) you swallow it.

Don’t worry… that happens all the time.

Best of all, the service comes complete with access to a trainer who will answer questions, provide helpful support and even put up with silly emails from users.

What I learned from using it:  my activity comes in large chunks. Long flat lines of coma-like stagnation, followed by an hour-long burst of super-activity, then more near-death stillness, then more explosive movement. As has been pointed out to me, that’s really not an optimum situation, but I don’t have much of a work-around for it right now.

Oh, I’m getting better at getting up and dashing around the office from time to time, parking farther away, taking the stairs (and sometimes even shimmying up elevator cable) and all that kind of business, but blogs and tweets don’t write themselves, dammit!

I averaged nearly 1,800 calories burned every day for the past few months, though it’s taken some 11 p.m. jumping jacks some days to hit my daily goal. I’m not sure I would have been quite so active without the thingamabob in my pocket, so I’d say it did what it was supposed to be doing.

One thing I didn’t think was so super-fantastic about it: it has trouble measuring the intensity of a workout. When I’m pressed for time, I work out on The Inclinator, a treadmill that goes up to a 30° incline. Thirty minutes on that bad boy leaves me a sweaty mess, but the activity monitor thinks I’ve gone on a leisurely stroll.

It also started skewing my workouts a bit. Long walks/runs on the treadmill gave me the most activity bang for my buck, and I almost didn’t purchase the elliptical I wound up getting for my house because the DirectLife dealio doesn’t think much of ellipticalizing.

Now, there is a way to fidget with the website and modify workout results. I got mad one day because a 20-mile bike ride registered about the same as strolling down the driveway to get the catalogs out of my mailbox. DirectLife Coach Jen walked me through a feature that allows you to rename and regauge activity, and it worked like a charm. But I don’t use the feature much because I’m sorely tempted to rename “sleeping” as “speed skating” in order to jack up my activity numbers.

The other downside was that I was spending all my free time trying to hit my activity numbers and started ignoring the strength-training portion of what I’m trying to do. So while I’ve been amazed and impressed with all that this little piece of plastic can do, I’m going to go my own way for a while.

I’d like to thank the fine folks at Philips DirectLife for all the love and support they’ve shown me over the past year, and for replacing my gizmo when I burned one up in the dryer and dropped one off the Empire State Building.

If you’d like to find out more about the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, check out their site right chere.

Full disclosure: I received the use of a Philips DirectLife activity monitor and its subscription service free of charge. The only payment for this review was the promise of a free hug from DirectLife Coach José should our paths ever cross. Let’s pray that day never comes…

All Bets Are Off

They say that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas; however this happened in my neighbor Art’s garage, so I guess it’s okay to talk about.



It was the end of a prolonged session of high-stakes Texas Hold ‘Em, and there were only three players still at the table.


“I bet it all,” snarled Sasparilla Slim sullenly. “Plus, I'm throwin’ in the paper to my Chevy Tahoe.”

“I’ll call,” wheezed Witchita Willie, throwing in the deed to his Harley-Davidson as well as a solid-gold ‘Ramblin' Man’ belt buckle.”



I pushed my remaining chips into the pot and started rooting around in my pocket.

“I call,” I said gruffly, tossing my Philips DirectLife activity monitor on top of the pyramid of chips. “Let's see what you’ve got.”

“Full house,” smiled Sasparilla Slim. “Aces over eights.”



“Nice hand,” grinned Witchita Willie. “Almost as nice as this one: straight club flush!”

There was a moment of anticipation in the smoke-filled room, but then my laughter filled the garage.

“Read ‘em and weep, boys,” I chuckled. “Royal flush.”



As I was raking in my winnings, Sasparilla Slim grabbed my arm.



“That's not a royal flush, dumbass,” he snarled. “You've got a three of hearts, a queen of clubs, a seven of diamonds, a Monopoly ‘Community Chest’ card and... what’s that?”



“That's a dern Jiffy Lube coupon,” grimaced Witchita Willie.

And that’s how I lost my DirectLife activity monitor… and next month’s mortage.

Check back later this afternoon for my final, 
definitive analysis of the Philips DirectLife activity monitor.

How to Lose Weight At An All-Inclusive Cancun Resort

You can’t.

Fatastic!

On those rare occasions when I bring the high heat (and I blame you all for commenting so much on the serious posts that it makes me have to write more of them than would occur naturally), I can be hard on you, hard on myself, hard on us all as we all make our way on this arduous weight loss journey. I push and push, because I want you and I to be as focused as we can possibly be. I want us to be as successful as we can possibly be. I want us all over our goals, and I want us rockin’ that scale each and every week.

But there’s something I don’t say often enough: we’re awesome.

I mean it, we’re so all over this.

We have setbacks and bad days, but we don’t let them bump us from our course. We have times when we don’t have our “A” game, but we have a deeper understanding of the big picture than we’ve ever had before. We may not be absolutely fit right now, but we have a dream of being fit, the hope of being the person that deep down we know we can be. An aspiration to be a better person…. and we’re making our way toward that goal. Some slowly, some faster, but all moving toward that better future with a sense of power and purpose.…

We’re losing our chins and our excuses.

Losing our extra pounds and our bad habits.

Losing our inhibitions and our love handles.

Losing it all, and gaining so much more in the process.

A half pound here. Two pounds there. Three, four, five lbs. I watch people having success in so many places, so many folks all over the planet making solid strides in their weight loss adventure. I'm almost as proud for them as I am myself with my own losses (almost, I said...almost).

Oh sure, there’s a few that are still in the “pre-success” stage, trying to psyche themselves up to make that great leap of faith, or those stuck in that dreaded limbo of “The Plateau,” a miserable place that will try your patience and test your will. But for all those folks, I see more that are fighting the good fight and reporting favorable news, both on the scale and in all the other victories that making ourselves healthier brings… clothes fitting better, people noticing their change in appearance, a general uplifting of the spirit. A scale will just give you a number, but all those other things… that’re what this journey we’re on is truly all about.

So here’s to us, the weight-loss warriors. We’re armoring ourselves with workout clothes and Green Monsters, with spinning classes and low-fat recipes. We’re facing down the day with a smile on our face and running shoes on our feet. And we’re doing it, folks. We’re really doing it.

Here’s to you.

Here’s to me.

Here’s to all of us as we make our successful way down this long and winding path. Wherever you are on it, either at the very start, a few steps from the end or plodding away in the mushy middle, I wish you Godspeed and good health.

Keep on keeping on, and know that there are plenty of us that will be with you every step of the way.

9-1-1

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I'm sorry, I’m trying to reach nine-eleven.

Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.

Me: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?

Dispatcher: Yes, sir; nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Me: You gotta be sh*ttin’ me. D’ja know I spent $700 on a special phone just so I could have an “11” button. Now that I finally have a chance to use it, you tell me I didn’t even need it. Isn’t that always the way?

Dispatcher: What is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I’m really hungry tonight.

Dispatcher: Excuse me.

Me: I’m staaaaaaaaaarving.

Dispatcher: Sir, this line is for emerg…

Me: Yeah, emergencies, I know… but here’s the thing: in the past when I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve inevitably started slipping and before you know it, I’m right back where I was if not worse.

Dispatcher: Sir, is there some sort of trouble at your house?

Me: I’ll say. I was rooting around in the pantry and I found this old bag of Cheesy Chex Mix.

Dispatcher: Chex Mix?

Me: Yeah, it even says it’s low-fat, but the trick they use is that the serving size is about a thimble full.

Dispatcher: I don’t understand…

Me: I used to buy it all the time “for the kids.” Only here’s the thing: I don’t think any of my kids liked Cheesy Chex Mix. Oh Pisa will eat it, I guess, but Sallie Mae and Holly can’t stand the stuff. Yet I bought it every week, and every week I polished the bag off all my my lonesome.

Dispatcher: Sir, 9-1-1 calls are reserved for actual emergencies…

Me: Do you not understand? This stuff is like crack to me. If I eat a handful, it’s gonna be a whole bag and the next thing you know, I’ve got a grocery cart taking the turn to the snack aisle on two wheels.

Dispatcher: Can you not just throw the… the Cheesy Chex Mix in the trash can?

Me: An unopened bag? Are you mad? I’d be back rooting through the trash before you could say “What is the nature of your emergency?” to the next dude that calls.

Dispatcher: Sir, what do you want me to do about it?

Me: I know the firemen and paramedics are busy, but I was thinking that a dog catcher could work. Y'know, because he’s got one of those big nets.

Dispatcher: Sir, I really ought to bust you for tying up the 9-1-1 lines, but it just so happens that I’m fighting a little battle with my weight as well. My advice is for you to flush the offending materials down the facilities and go about your evening. You’ll feel better in the morning.

Me: Okay then. Well, thanks for your time and good luck on your own weight-loss journey.

Dispatcher: You sure you're gonna be okay.

Me: I got this... goodbye old friend.

Dispatcher: Was that to me or the Cheesy Chex Mix?

Me: (sound of toilet flushing and inconsolable sobbing)

Dispatcher: Well, okay then...

More Weight Watcher Meeting Conversation Stoppers

• “Have you ever tried shoving a Snickers bar inside a Twinkee, then microwaving it for 20 seconds?”
  
• “How many points are in puppy meat?”
  
• “In some cultures, it’s a sign of great respect to loudly break wind in a crowd.”
  
• “Hey, when the meeting starts, let’s all start yelling like it was a town hall meeting.”
  
• “Who’ll give me a dollar to eat a whole can of Cheese Whiz?”
  
• “Do you know if they make sugar-free edible underwear?”
  
• “I don’t get my weigh-in… I dieted all morning.”
  
• “I’ve already lost one-quarter of one percent of my total body weight.”
  
• “We oughta all tailgate in the parking lot before our next weigh-in.”
  
• “Does my fat ass make my ass look fat?”

  
• “Are we gonna have square dancing again this week?”
  
• “I’m really on a roller coaster; one week I’m up two pounds, the next week I’m up four pounds.”
  
• 
“Whenever I get hunger cravings, I just brush my teeth… with frosting.”
  
• “I can’t believe I gained weight this week. I mean, I’m wearing my lucky floral mumu.”
  
• “I had a big loss this week. Congratulations?!? Congratulations on losing my house? You are one sick human being!”
  
• “Do you have any leftover points you’re not using?”
  
• “I’m gonna try Zumba as soon as I can say the word 'Zumba' without laughing.”
  
• “Can you believe I’m wearing a cowboy hat made out of pound cake?”
  
• “Do you know where they keep the emergency chips-n-dip?”