Thursday, May 6, 2010
20 Minutes of Hell… A C25K Love Story
There are runners, and there are non-runners and somewhere in that monumental chasm that exists between the two, are those few of us who are attempting to bridge the gap.
We are not runners, but we are staggering and stumbling along the best we can. We are those people you see when you’re driving along the street, and you think “Oh lord, she shouldn’t be trying to do that” or “I’d better call 9-1-1; he’s not going to make it much farther.”
As I’ve noted here before, I’m using C25K (Couch to 5K) to get my run on. There are a lot of flaws in the program–which is why I’m hard at work developing a JSC25K (Jack Sh*t Couch to 5K) program–but I give it a lot of credit for getting me on the road to being a runner.
I haven’t done the research because… well, due to highly technical reasons (I’m lazy), but I suspect that Week Five, Day Three is the jumping off point for a lot of people who attempt C25K.
It asks you to run 20 minutes, thank you very much.
20 minutes.
I know you marathoners and half-marathoners are chuckling at that, but to us half- half- half- half- half- half-marathoners, twenty minutes sounds like a death sentence.
My running buddy MrsFatsss wrote a very eloquent post about her experience battling the 20-minute barrier. I was going to do something similar, but when I went back to my office and looked at my notes from immediately after completing the session, I found that it was nothing but a string of obscenities and vehement pleas for somebody to “kill me, just kill me.”
Had you told me six weeks ago that I’d be running for twenty minutes at a time, I’d have laughed in your face. Now I’m learning to love the challenge of the open road, the thrill of that last thirty seconds of running, the satisfaction of a hard task completed.
And here’s the craziest thing of all…
I was walking into my gym the other morning and there was a table set up to sign people up for an upcoming 5K race.
No, I didn’t sign up… but I did actually think about signing up for a moment, which marks a huge leap in my running narrative. Up until now, 5K race sign-ups were completely invisible to me, simply weren’t showing up on my radar. I imagine they must have been taking place, but I never actually saw it happening.
I suppose it’s like when you buy a certain kind of automobile and then suddenly start seeing that same make all over town.
I didn’t sign up for that race, but I suspect there’s a 5K somewhere in my future.
x
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Weight Loss Boss – Interview with Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff
Today I have a special treat for JSGF readers: an interview with David Kirchhoff, the President and CEO of Weight Watchers International. Besides having a keen sense of business, Kirchhoff blogs about his own health and wellness issues in a very entertaining manner at Man Meets Scale.
Jack: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Mr. Kirchhoff.
David: Thanks, Jack. But please just call me “David”.
Jack: Great. Well, you can just call me “Mr. Sh*t”. So, David, Weight Watchers is the global leader in weight management services, providing 50,000 Weight Watchers meetings each week in countries all over the world aiding millions of people to lose weight in a healthy way.
David: That’s correct.
Jack: Weight Watchers tries to help people lose weight in a sustainable way by assisting them in adapting a healthier lifestyle and a healthier relationship with food and activity.
David: Ummmm, Jack?
Jack: Yeah?
David: If this is an interview, at some point you have to ask questions.
Jack: Hmmmm, let me check my notes. Okay, here’s one: if you fill a plastic milk jug with kerosene, set it on fire and then send it down a water slide, wouldn’t that look awesome?
David: Uh… next question?
Jack: I have two coins that equal fifteen cents but neither one is a nickel. How’s that possible?
David: It’s not possible.
Jack: Wrong! One of them’s a nickel.
David: You said neither of them was a nickel.
Jack: It’s a trick question.
David: Jack, I’m very busy…
Jack: Wait, just a few more… ummmm, what’s your social security number?
David: Jack, I’m hanging up now…
Jack: Wait, tell me about your blog, Man Meets Scale.
David: My original intent was to provide another voice from the perspective of men dealing with weight issues. There are so many women actively talking about weight and weight loss in conversation, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc. For women, it seems like weight is a very natural topic of conversation. For men, it’s still much more verboten. There still aren’t enough male voices in this increasingly important topic. Given that I was not only the president of Weight Watchers, I was also a Lifetime Member (like the guy from Hair Club for Men), I thought it might be somehow helpful to share my own point of view on this topic by blogging about my own personal experiences with weight loss and weight maintenance. Interestingly, since I’ve been writing the blog for over a year, I have also discovered that it is a great way of helping me stay on the righteous path of the healthy lifestyle.
Jack: When are you gonna switch from that Jared dude as the WW spokesperson? I’m getting tired of that guy’s act.
David: Ummmm, I think you’re thinking of Subway…
Jack: Let’s agree to disagree on that one, Mr. K…
David: You may be odd/confused/confusing, but you’re also an excellent straight man. We recently announced that Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson has signed on as the new spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She’s most definitely not a guy, but Jennifer is an incredibly inspiring person. Her own participation on the Weight Watchers program has had a great impact on her lifestyle, and her story and success on the program can be a source of inspiration for men and women alike. You can check out her story on the Weight Watchers website, our Facebook page or on Jennifer’s Facebook page.
Jack: Jared must be PO’d.
David: Jennifer is relatable to so many people and has experienced visible results with Weight Watchers, so we feel she’ll help motivate others to take control of their health and try our program.
Jack: One last question: who’s your favorite blogger named Jack?
David: *click*
Jack: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Mr. Kirchhoff.
David: Thanks, Jack. But please just call me “David”.
Jack: Great. Well, you can just call me “Mr. Sh*t”. So, David, Weight Watchers is the global leader in weight management services, providing 50,000 Weight Watchers meetings each week in countries all over the world aiding millions of people to lose weight in a healthy way.
David: That’s correct.
Jack: Weight Watchers tries to help people lose weight in a sustainable way by assisting them in adapting a healthier lifestyle and a healthier relationship with food and activity.
David: Ummmm, Jack?
Jack: Yeah?
David: If this is an interview, at some point you have to ask questions.
Jack: Hmmmm, let me check my notes. Okay, here’s one: if you fill a plastic milk jug with kerosene, set it on fire and then send it down a water slide, wouldn’t that look awesome?
David: Uh… next question?
Jack: I have two coins that equal fifteen cents but neither one is a nickel. How’s that possible?
David: It’s not possible.
Jack: Wrong! One of them’s a nickel.
David: You said neither of them was a nickel.
Jack: It’s a trick question.
David: Jack, I’m very busy…
Jack: Wait, just a few more… ummmm, what’s your social security number?
David: Jack, I’m hanging up now…
Jack: Wait, tell me about your blog, Man Meets Scale.
David: My original intent was to provide another voice from the perspective of men dealing with weight issues. There are so many women actively talking about weight and weight loss in conversation, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc. For women, it seems like weight is a very natural topic of conversation. For men, it’s still much more verboten. There still aren’t enough male voices in this increasingly important topic. Given that I was not only the president of Weight Watchers, I was also a Lifetime Member (like the guy from Hair Club for Men), I thought it might be somehow helpful to share my own point of view on this topic by blogging about my own personal experiences with weight loss and weight maintenance. Interestingly, since I’ve been writing the blog for over a year, I have also discovered that it is a great way of helping me stay on the righteous path of the healthy lifestyle.
Jack: When are you gonna switch from that Jared dude as the WW spokesperson? I’m getting tired of that guy’s act.
David: Ummmm, I think you’re thinking of Subway…
Jack: Let’s agree to disagree on that one, Mr. K…
David: You may be odd/confused/confusing, but you’re also an excellent straight man. We recently announced that Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson has signed on as the new spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She’s most definitely not a guy, but Jennifer is an incredibly inspiring person. Her own participation on the Weight Watchers program has had a great impact on her lifestyle, and her story and success on the program can be a source of inspiration for men and women alike. You can check out her story on the Weight Watchers website, our Facebook page or on Jennifer’s Facebook page.
Jack: Jared must be PO’d.
David: Jennifer is relatable to so many people and has experienced visible results with Weight Watchers, so we feel she’ll help motivate others to take control of their health and try our program.
Jack: One last question: who’s your favorite blogger named Jack?
David: *click*
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Taking Notes
I'm turning off comments for this post because I really do want what you have to say in note card form. Email your photos (preferably in jpg format) to JackSh.tGettinFit@gmail.com. Be sure to include a blog link if you've got one...
More Weight-Loss iPhone Apps
- App that screams at you in Spanish if you try to order cheese dip
- App that squirts you in the face with pepper spray if you go three
days without blogging
-
App that automatically calculates how many calories are in those 100-
calorie packs
- Phone bill fat monitor
- App that provides impressive fake heart rate number so other people at the
gym will be impressed
- App that features 100,000 recipes that taste horrible
- App that emits deafening siren when it senses you’re trying to order at a drive-thru window
-
App that gives you marathon-running advice, such as "whatever you do, for God’s sake,
don't run in a marathon!”
- App that lets you tape a popscicle stick to the back of your iPhone and pretend it’s a fudgescicle
- App that tells you how many sit-ups you could have done if that TV show you really wanted to watch hadn’t been on
- App that makes you forget what pie tastes like
-
App that wirelessly hooks up to your scale, transfers your weight to
your computer then automatically transfers the number to your computer’s trash can
- App that turns your iPhone into a ThighMaster
- App that calculates calories burnt tweeting
- App that exercises for you
Monday, May 3, 2010
A New Life Manifesto
Every so often, it’s important to take a step back and take a deep breath, to tap into that reserve of inner strength we all possess and rededicate ourselves to this mission that’s in front of us.
That’s where I am right now.
Ready to push myself just a little bit harder, ready to double down and get serious about my goals again.
Because I tend to sing, dance and joke so much in this space, it’s probably difficult for you to tell just how serious I am about this march toward fitness, this surge toward a better life. I kid around with you because… well, because that’s what I do, but these are my aspirations and objectives:
Bye-bye, caterpillar.
Hey-hey, butterfly.
That’s where I am right now.
Ready to push myself just a little bit harder, ready to double down and get serious about my goals again.
Because I tend to sing, dance and joke so much in this space, it’s probably difficult for you to tell just how serious I am about this march toward fitness, this surge toward a better life. I kid around with you because… well, because that’s what I do, but these are my aspirations and objectives:
- I will never again let myself be defined by my greatest weakness.
- I will be smarter than I look and stronger than you think I am.
- I will strive to eat foods that are more local and healthy, less processed and chemical-filled.
- I will never again sell myself short.
- I will be honest with you in this space, but more important… I will be honest with myself in every other space I occupy.
- I will work out with zeal and zest, I will exercise with purpose and passion.
- In the future, the only time I will shop in the Big & Tall section will be when I’m getting my Uncle Stu a Christmas present.
- I will run farther tomorrow than I did today.
- I will have bad days here and there, but I can assure you that the good ones, the ones where I eat on plan, where I fight the good fight, where I keep my mind on my mission and my mission on my mind... those days will far outnumber the bad ones.
- I will not falter and I will not fail.
- This is my life, and I plan on living it to the fullest.
Bye-bye, caterpillar.
Hey-hey, butterfly.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
U-Turn in Progress
Weekly weigh-in: 207.5Loss: +5.1
Total loss: -85.2
Body fat percentage: ??
Emotion: From business trip to back to business
When Jack Sh*t turns into Jack Sh*t-for-Brains, the scale generally rewards him with a richly deserved bitchslap. It’s almost as if there’s some sort of cause-and-effect relationship at work there…
All I can tell you is that it could have been… perhaps should have been… much worse.
This was my first out-of-town business trip in eons, and I was in the company of a bunch of friendly, fun-loving folks who liked to eat, laugh and consume all manner of adult beverages.
“Stay gold, pony boy,” I told myself, but it was a slippery slope from the get-go, and I simply couldn’t keep my footing. I got in a couple of hour-long workouts at the hotel fitness center, but each one was offset by longer sessions at the hotel bar, before hitting another bar, before going to dinner, and then finding a good bar for a nightcap.
Even the plane ride was brutal. I had some ancient trail mix in my travel bag that I started scarfing up. Only after I finished did I read the packaging and realize I had consumed a day and a half’s worth of fat, sodium and calories. The chocolate-covered pork rinds should have been a tip-off...
Could have been worse? Oh hell yeah. I was up over 10 lbs when I returned home, but I’m miffed that I couldn’t erase my party-boy week with my wicked workouts and back-on-plan eating.
I did have a really good time, and I suppose that counts for something. I learned some things about myself in the process; namely, I’m nowhere near finished with my “re-education of Jack” project. Some days I think I’ve got it nailed down cold and then a week like that makes me think that I’m trying to fill up a bucket with a gaping hole in the bottom.
But I won’t get too hard on myself and I won’t completely give myself a free pass either. My plan this week is to pay attention to the details, to power through my workouts with drive and determination and to continue with the strength training even though I’m fairly certain it’s impeding my progress on the scale.
I even forgot to measure my body fat percentage on my body fat percentisizer. That’s just how out of it I’ve been. But I’m getting back in the saddle.
I may have gone in the wrong direction for a bit, but I promise… I promise… I promise that my compass is still in good working order.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Confush*t Say...
Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I show my commitment to the environment by recylcing old posts, thereby reducing my carbon footprint and increasing my weekend free time. "Confush*t Say" was my first recurring feature on JSGF, and it's still one of my favorites. Anything that combines anicent weight-loss wisdom and groan-worthy puns is my cup of green tea...

Confush*t say...
...person who eat too much cake is icing for trouble.
...person who enter 5K race without training is running with wrong crowd.
...person with bad eating habits won't see gut results.
...person who write weight loss blog is starving for attention.
…people who shows distain for bread and pasta is carb-berater.
...person who sneak donuts is showing his true crullers.
…person who drink too many cocktails should only expect martini-tiny losses.
…person who is too obese but wants to play basketball should remember wide men can’t jump.
…person who seeks to eat more veggies will find them turnip eventually.
...person who consume too much sodium get a-salted on scale.
...person who goes to Starbucks all the time doesn't know how to espresso themselves.
…person who owns up to their flatulence is a frank-farter.
...person who gives pizza a chance wind up going to war with scale.
...person who doesn't eat vegetables will find it's parsley his own fault.
…person who waits for golden opportunity to lose weight may find it never pans out.
…person who eat too much over the holiday need to quit cold turkey.
…person who employ low-carb diet is going against the grain.
…person who drinks too much coffee has a latte problems.
…person who succeeds in diet employs mind over platter.
…person who lives life as couch potato will likely raise tater tots.
…person who eat too many French fries find weight ketchup to them.
…person who has successful weight-loss journey find it takes breadth away.
…person who drinks too many fancy coffee drinks may get brewed awakening on scale.
…person who eats too much at Japanese restaurant might have sake weigh-in.
…person who doesn’t like bread overcooked might be black-toast intolerant
…person who mistakes a piece of sh*t for sausage finds day taking a turd for the wurst.
…person who reads Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit every day is very defacated reader.
Confush*t believes there are two kinds of people in this world. The first person is the one who diets and exercises religiously. The second person is the one who eats and does what they want and prays they don't gain weight.

Confush*t say...
...person who eat too much cake is icing for trouble.
...person who enter 5K race without training is running with wrong crowd.
...person with bad eating habits won't see gut results.
...person who write weight loss blog is starving for attention.
…people who shows distain for bread and pasta is carb-berater.
...person who sneak donuts is showing his true crullers.
…person who drink too many cocktails should only expect martini-tiny losses.
…person who is too obese but wants to play basketball should remember wide men can’t jump.
…person who seeks to eat more veggies will find them turnip eventually.
...person who consume too much sodium get a-salted on scale.
...person who goes to Starbucks all the time doesn't know how to espresso themselves.
…person who owns up to their flatulence is a frank-farter.
...person who gives pizza a chance wind up going to war with scale.
...person who doesn't eat vegetables will find it's parsley his own fault.
…person who waits for golden opportunity to lose weight may find it never pans out.
…person who eat too much over the holiday need to quit cold turkey.
…person who employ low-carb diet is going against the grain.
…person who drinks too much coffee has a latte problems.
…person who succeeds in diet employs mind over platter.
…person who lives life as couch potato will likely raise tater tots.
…person who eat too many French fries find weight ketchup to them.
…person who has successful weight-loss journey find it takes breadth away.
…person who drinks too many fancy coffee drinks may get brewed awakening on scale.
…person who eats too much at Japanese restaurant might have sake weigh-in.
…person who doesn’t like bread overcooked might be black-toast intolerant
…person who mistakes a piece of sh*t for sausage finds day taking a turd for the wurst.
…person who reads Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit every day is very defacated reader.
Confush*t believes there are two kinds of people in this world. The first person is the one who diets and exercises religiously. The second person is the one who eats and does what they want and prays they don't gain weight.
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