Thursday, September 4, 2014

What’s Gout Into Me?

So there I was in the doctor’s office, fairly certain that I was limping around on a fractured foot. 

I figured I broke it when…. ummmm…. when I woke up in the middle of the night with my big toe shrieking in agony.

“Well, good news,” said a friendly lady doc staring at an x-ray. “It’s not broken.”

“Great,” I said, hopping up to leave. “Now I can just ouch owww owwww oww owww.”

“Sit back down, Jack,” the physician ordered. “I’ve got a few questions.”


“Have you had a trying week?” she asked.

“Well, I squeezed one of those stress ball so hard that it burst and spilled sand all over my computer keyboard.”

“And how has your diet been?”

“Oh, I haven’t been on a diet lately. I’ve pretty much been eating anything and everything.”

“Hmmmmm. Been drinking a lot of alcohol?”

“Nope. Not a drop.”


“Wait… I forget… is vodka alcohol?”

“Uhhh… yes, indeed.”

“Okay… I had a few vodka tonics. Ummm… and we were out of tonic.”

“We can run a blood test, but I’m 99.99% sure you have gout.”

“Gout?” I exclaimed. “Isn’t that something for old fogies?”

“Well, your chart says that you were born in…”

“Look, let’s not get into how old I may or may not be,” I argued. “I can’t go around telling people I have gout. Can’t we at least come up with a better name for it.”

“I don’t think…”

“How about ‘muscular blast’ or ‘vigorigamortis’?”


“Maybe ‘oversexed tendon’? Or how about ‘Pop-pop foot?’”

“I don’t think…”

“What about something simple… like… ‘athlete’s foot’?”

“Well, it looks like you do have athlete’s foot as well.”

“Great! We’ll go with that! Thanks for all your... owww owww owwww owww owwwwwwww.”

The moral of our story:
Don't overindulge... even if you do it in moderation. 


  1. What? The 'disease of kings' isn't fancy enough for you!

    1. Well, my wife Anita did call me a royal pain in the ass...

  2. Ugh. That said, I'd take gout over it's sister 'uric acid kidney stone' ANY day. I'm susceptible to those. Let me offer these two 'natural remedy cures' up for you:

    1. 2 tablespoons organic 'with the mother' apple cider with 8 oz. of water. Drink it down fast. Try not to gag. Twice a day until the pain is gone. IT WORKS EVERY TIME.
    2. cherries. dried, juice, raw. Not the bing sweet kind. The tart kind.

    Since I get these stones when I even sip part of a wine...I keep some dried cherries with me no matter where I am.

    This is no fun. But the things I mentioned above work...have worked for me multiple times. Good luck!

    1. Thanks for the advice; I ate a cherry pie today for lunch to see if it works!

  3. p.s. besides booze (insert sad face), limit your spinach and liver. Not good when one has 'purines' problems.

  4. Gout is painful ......but then you know that sorry.

    A family member suffered gout but with some tablets it did improve.

    Hope the pain and gout goes soon.

    All the best Jan

  5. I like the name "oversexed tendon". Considering it's your big toe, that creates an interesting image.

  6. You always make me wanna rhyme. Out with the gout!

  7. Gout huh? I bet I can have a worse ailment than you.

  8. The pain in the ass comment cracked me up - sorry Jack!!!!



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