Wednesday, November 2, 2011

You'll Thank Me Later

  • I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich

  • Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order

  • Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway

  • Every time you eat a cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy

  • Every time you drink too much, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people

  • I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”

  • Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter
  • When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy

  • Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates

  • Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush

  • For every soda you drink, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”

  • Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee


  1. So YOU are the one responsible, huh.

  2. Can someone remind me why i'm following a man who wants to clean his ears with my toothbrush? Hmmm!! :)

  3. Damn overpriced coffee! And thank god I don't have a daughter.

  4. You are so wrong. That's hilarious!

    But... Too late on the drive-thru calories. Our McD's now has them on all the menus. Oh the shame...

  5. i marked this as a WTF?! A good WTF! You scared me :| Apparently, there are going to be many pissed off-tail-less-puppies in this world :(



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