Wednesday, November 9, 2011

And We're Off...

For the next few weeks, Jack Sh*t is chronicling his adventures on his recent trip to Italy as well as including tips to help you plan your own international travel. It is his special way of saying "Nanna nanna boo boo, I went to Italy!" to all his loyal readers.

One day I will learn my lesson:  I will take a horse tranquilizer before settling in on a 9 hour and 40 minute international flight.

I watch a movie. I read a book. I check the time. An hour has passed (okay, I fast-forwarded some through the movie and skimmed a little on the book).

I gaze out the window.

We are still on the runway.

An extra-tall frame and an extra-short attention span create a perfect storm of uncomfortableness, even though we paid extra to get a bulkhead seat and a little extra legroom.

The lights dim and all around me, folks start nodding off. The dude across from me has
covered his entire head with a blanket. Beside me, Anita has put on a sleep blindfold,
ear plugs, a plush travel pillow.

They start showing The King's Speech on the overhead screen, but I’ve already seen it, so I switch the audio to Italian. Maybe I can take this opportunity to become fluent in the language. However, the flaw in my plan become apparent when the stewardess offers me a beverage and I respond: "gr-gr-gr-gr-graci."

One of the nice things about international flights is that they ply you with free beer and
wine. I choose a little vi-vi-vi-vi-vino and watch as the stewardess pours a glass from a
Juicy Juice container. I sniff it, and then swirl it around in my mouth. It reminds me of
the time I accidentally brushed my teeth with Preparation H.

All around me folks are slumbering. Stewardesses are sacked out in their little cubby-holes. I'm sure, in the cockpit, the pilots are splayed out, letting auto-pilot guide us over the dark, dark ocean.

When the third movie of the flight... Little Fockers, I think... begins playing, I try to will my brain into shut-down mode. No such luck. I am wide awake, the only consolation that I am inching closer to Italy with every elongated minute.


  1. Your first mistake was getting on the plane sober. Not only does the correct amount of alcohol make you drowsy, it also decreases your memory to zero, which makes every moment a new discovery. If you start to wake up, take advantage of all that booze they offer and keep the drowsiness going. The gigantic hangover you will experience once the plane lands will be worth not spending what seems like two years of your life in flight.

  2. Xanax is the key to any long flight. Take one when you get to the gate; stumble on the plane; pass out. Four hours later, lather, rinse, repeat until the plane touches down at your final destination.

  3. 9 hours? Dilettante :P Sydney to LA takes 14.5 hours. I recommend sleeping tabs & large amounts of whiskey. Flying first class helps too :)



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