I am a Little Moron

My father Horace once told me the very inspirational story of the Big Moron and the Little Moron.

It seems that the Big Moron and the Little Moron were sitting on a log, and one of them fell off.

Who do you suppose it was?

The Big Moron is the one who fell from the log, because… well… how did Horace put it: “The Little Moron was a little more on. Get it? He was a little more on!”

Okay, maybe it was a joke and not an inspirational story, but I’m feeling like I’m a Little Moron these days.

A little more on track.

A little more on plan.

A little more on focus.

A little more on starting the day with a plan and end the day with a pat on the back.

I’m a Big Moron who’s a little more on.

More Health Tips for Healthy Life-Living

• Cut back on high fructose corn syrup and really cut back on higher fructose corn syrup (and don't even get me started about highest fructose corn syrup!)



• Find time to sneak in exercise; for example, do some lunge-squats while waiting in line at Baskin-Robbins.



• You can make your own multi-vitamins by gluing a bunch of regular vitamins together.

• Set realistic goals, such as “This week, I am going to walk down to the mailbox to get the mail instead of taking the car.”

• It’s unhealthy to sleep on your heart, so always make certain that you keep your heart inside your body while asleep.

• Horny Goat Weed is a natural herbal supplement that increases libido in men and women, improves erectile function in men and–come to think of it–is a really sweet name for a band.

• Really spicy food can raise your metabolism, by making you run back and forth to the fridge to grab ice cubes to suck on.

• Taking a cold shower improves your skin tone and circulation, helps ward off colds and leaves more hot water for me.

Fitsy Land

Oh, I wish we didn’t have
Such a big bottom.

Old times there 
Are how we got ‘em.

Far away, far away, far away…

Fitsy Land.



In Fitsy Land, we’ll make a plan,

To live and be more fitsy.
Someday, Someday, someday…
Fitsy Land.



We’re getting way more fitsy,
Hooray! Hooray! 

In Fitsy Land, we’ve all began

To live and be more fitsy. 

And we’ll weigh, we’ll weigh

We’ll weigh far less when Fitsy!

Weight If?

Woody Allen once made an interesting point…

When we lose twenty pounds…

What if?

What if those twenty pounds are the best pounds we have?

What if they’re the twenty pounds that contain our genius?

Our humanity?

Our love and honesty?

What if those twenty pounds really are the best pounds we have?

I don’t know about you, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Thank You, Holidays for Making Me Your B*tch

THE (SEMI)WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Last weigh-in: 236.6 lbs.

Loss: -+4.6

It all reminds me of the ancient story of the Little Goat Herder who lived in the hills along the mountains of Munnar, where the strange-looking tea plantations sat in amongst some of the cooler corners of Kerala, and who gains four to five pounds during the holidays. I HATE THAT STORY!

Speaking of the holidays, check out what my kick-ass wife Anita surprised me with for Christmas...

 It's a nice reminder that my health and my future are always going to be closely tied together (and I suppose it's also a reminder that I need to finish cleaning the garage...)

Killing Time

He was struggling, he was stumbling, 

With his weight on a climb
.
Lived a bitter Jackie Sh*tter
.
He was guilty of killing time.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling… killing time
.
It is lost and gone forever.

You’ll be sorry, killing time.



Light he was not, soft and squishy,

His eating habits were a crime.

Triscuit boxes ate non-stopses.

What a big waste there, killing time.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling, killing time
.
It is lost and gone forever.

Dreadful sorry, killing time.



Then he woke up, got his nerve up.
Changed his choices and his life.
Now he eats well, exercises
No more heartache, no more strife.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling, killing time.

It is lost and gone forever

I’m no longer killing time.



You can change things, you can do it.
You can make your life your own.
I can promise as long as I’m here,
You won’t do it all alone.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

It is time to stop  killing time

It’ll be lost and gone forever

If you don’t stop killing time.

The Ultimate Jack Sh*t Workout

 

You can't afford to hire a personal trainer or join a gym?

Well boo freakin' hoo! I'm gonna design a workout

for you to do in your own home...

 

All you need is a kettlebell. Okay, first you... what?

You don't have a kettlebell? Weren't you paying attention

when I told you how to make your own kettlebell

by welding an iron "C" to an ordinary metal ball? 

 Okay then. Just grab a couple of regular weights then.

These are my wife Anita's, and they're probably

too heavy for a beginner such as you.

Mine are probably too much for you, too.

Let's face it: you're a wimp. We're gonna have to start you

off with the most basic workout there is...

 PUPPY WORKOUT!

 Do a series of 10 one-armed puppy lifts,
but be careful to use proper form, keep your arm straight
and watch out for spraying puppy urine.

 

Two-handed puppy chest presses work...

ummmm... the chestoid muscle group.

 

 Feel.... the...  bark...

 After a few weeks of single-puppy workout,
you'll be ready to take this bitch up a notch!

 DOUBLE PUPPY WORKOUT!!!

 Be sure to... whoa... this is trickier than I thought...

Believe me... sixty minutes of puppy lifts is as effective as an

hour of lifting a similar amount of conventional weights.

So get yourself some puppies and get lifting.
Soon, if you stick with it, you'll have muscles like your ol' pal Jack.

 

Note: hardly any puppies were harmed in the making of this post.