Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you a retread and call it a "classic". This post is what happens when I'm laid up with a bad back, pain pills and a laptop. Brace yourself...
Welcome to Jack Sh*t’s Choose Your Own Weight-Loss Adventure. Simply read along and follow the instructions. Just like real life, you get to make decisions along the way the affect your journey.
Chapter One
You’ve made up your mind. This is it! You’re finally going to do something about that excess weight you’ve been carrying around for as long as you can remember. Good for you! This journey is all about making good choices, so this will be a good exercise to explore the consequences of your individual approach to losing weight.
If you decide to start today, scroll down Chapter Two
If you decide to start next Monday, scroll down to Chapter Four
Chapter Two
Starting right off, are we? I like the way you think! You know there’s no time like the present. After all, you’ve spent quite enough time saddled with that excess baggage. A word to the wise: don’t let your current enthusiasm get the better of you. Don’t think you’ve got to eat nothing but lettuce and run ten miles a day. You’re in this for the long haul, so the important thing is to ease into a program you can both build on and live with. Sparklers look pretty for a minute or so, but we’re looking for a big bang here.
If you take to my good advice, scroll down to Chapter Six
If you take the “sparkler” approach, scroll down to Chapter Three
Chapter Three
Well, that was impressive. You came out of the gates like a racehorse. You ate like Tweety Bird. You lost weight. Congratulations. What was it? 15 lbs or so. Outstanding. What’s that? You’ve already started skipping workouts? You’re already sacking the diet because it’s making you miserable. Damn–if only there was some way for you to have known.
If you want to try again, scroll up to Chapter One
If you’re sick and tired of the whole mess, scroll down to Chapter Five
Chapter Four
You spend between now and the end of the weekend gorging yourself like nobody’s business, convincing yourself that THIS.IS.THE.LAST.TIME. Hey, whatever you gotta tell yourself to get in the right frame of mind. At this point, does it even matter?
If on Monday, you decide to do right, scroll down to Chapter Six
If Monday comes by and you forget your pledge, scroll down to Chapter Five
Chapter Five
Well, it was a pipe dream anyway, this idea that you could eat right and exercise, that you’d stick with it long enough to see any real progress. You like yourself well enough, and maybe one day down the road you’ll do something but for right now… well, everything’s just so damn delicious. I don’t even know why I’m reading this. I think I’ll go grab a snack and take a nap.
If you rediscover your missing mojo, go to Chapter Six
If you slide further into your funk, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Six
Wow, it’s so tough to get the ball rolling. Hunger pains that grip you like talons. Temptations everywhere you turn. And that underlying feeling that you just don’t have it in you to succeed on such a difficult journey. It’s really tough for you… but guess what, Chuckles? It’s tough for everyone at this point. Stay the course!
If you stay the path, scroll down to Chapter Seven
If you have a couple of cheat meals in there, scroll down to Chapter Eight
Chapter Seven
A few weeks in, and you’re starting to find your groove. The hard part is over. I tell people over and over that if instead of merely dipping a toe in the water, you DIVE IN, well, it’s a whole different adventure. And you’re proving me right!
You continue proving me right. Scroll down to Chapter Nine
You prove me wrong. Scroll down to Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight
Look, a slip-up can happen to anybody, even at this stage of the game. Fight through it and forget about it. This journey is about learning to live a more healthy lifestyle, and that means making a lot of choices in a lot of different situations. You aren’t perfect, and every choice isn’t going to be the right one. Screw being perfect… be the best possible you you can be.
You stay on a roll. Scroll down to Chapter Nine
You come to a crashing halt. Scroll down to Chapter Ten
Chapter Nine
Look at you! Those losses that you thought were so miniscule at the time have really added up, haven’t they? You’ve dropped a couple of pants sizes, too. And isn’t it great how this whole process gets easier when you’ve had a few months of success under your (ever-shrinking) belt? You’ve got this!
You do have this. Scroll down to Chapter Eleven
You don’t quite have this. Scroll down to Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
No, no, no. You’ve come too far to mess this up now. Look at where you started and what it took to get you where you are today. Don’t throw away all that dedication and hard work. Don’t make all that sweat mean nothing. Get yourself straight and finish this like you started… strong and with a deep-rooted commitment to succeed.
You get yourself straight. Scroll down to Chapter Eleven
You careen a bit. Scroll down to Chapter Twelve
Chapter Eleven
You’re doing so great. It’s hard but it’s the kind of hard work that you know is going to pay off in the end. You’re proud of yourself for sticking with the program and you’re rewarded with another awesome weigh-in. Talk about motivation.
If you stay the path, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen
If you stray a little, scroll down to Chapter Twelve
If you stray a lot, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Twelve
Well, setbacks happen to just about everybody. Luckily, you’re in this for the long haul this time and you’re committed to not letting a mistake here or there knock you off track. If anything, these little setbacks are steeling your will even more, because you can see the impact they’re having on your weigh-ins.
If you get it back together, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen
If you lose it altogether, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Thirteen
Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! You’re really rolling now, eating sensibly and exercising with purpose. It’s such a simple code you’d think anybody could crack it. Eat healthier. Eat less. Exercise more. It seemed difficult at the beginning, but now it’s becoming second nature to you. And you don’t even need the rock-solid weigh-ins to prove it; you can feel your clothes getting looser and you’ve even dug some of those hidden jeans out of the back of the closet. What part of this isn’t fun?
Scroll down to Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Fourteen
Uh oh. Why do you do this to yourself? You know what you need to do to have success on this journey and you’re just getting in your own way. And who are you cheating, really? Yourself, that’s who. It’s time to get a handle on this self-destructive behavior and put this weight-loss journey into high gear.
You put it in high gear, scroll up to Chapter Nine
You fail. Scroll up to Chapter Five
Chapter Fifteen
You’ve hit a plateau, a few-week period when you can’t seem to make the scale budge. It’s frustrating, disappointing, maddening. You’re doing the right things, eating the right foods. You’re doing everything you’ve been doing up to this point and it’s all been working like a charm. Well, it sure as hell isn’t working like a charm right now.
If you power through it, scroll down to Chapter Seventeen
You get frustrated and cheat some, scroll down to Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Well, you found the thing that’s worse than the dreaded plateau: the weight gain. You let impatience and irritation get the better of you and now you have to do one of the most bothersome tasks in this whole weight loss business: re-lose pounds that you’ve already lost. It’s like going shopping at the grocery store and realizing you’ve left your wallet at home when you get to the check-out line. Well, let’s get going.
You get going, scroll down to Chapter Seventeen
You get stuck, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Seventeen
It took longer than you wanted, but you finally smashed through that dratted plateau. You took a long hard look at what you were doing and realized that some of the eating and exercise behaviors had slipped backwards a bit. Nothing too bad unless it went unchecked, but you’ve set a course correction and are back on track!
If you stay on track, scroll down to Chapter Eighteen
If you lose your way, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Eighteen
You’re right there, close enough to your goals that you can just about taste it. You’re feeling so much better, have so much more energy than you used to that it’s difficult to believe. This doesn’t feel anything like dieting anymore, doesn’t feel anything like work. It’s become your lifestyle. It’s become your life.
If you’ve got this, scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Three
If you stumble a little, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Nineteen
It’s hard to understand exactly why you sabotage yourself. I mean, you understand that you’re just digging the hole you’re in that much deeper, but somehow you just can’t help yourself. Because you don’t want this time to be like those other times that you just couldn’t keep the momentum going, you screw up your determination and decide to power through this tough time and blast away every temptation.
You get back on track, scroll up to Chapter Eighteen
You miss a beat (again), scroll down to Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
Another week, another fail. It’s hard to understand. You want it so badly, but it’s just not happening. It seems like the whole world is conspiring to block your success. That’s nonsense, by the way. You’re the only one that can stop you from achieving your dreams. You say you want it. It’s time to start acting like you want it. It’s time to get serious, and I mean SERIOUS.
You get serious, scroll up to Chapter Thirteen
You don’t get serious, scroll down to Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
You suck. I really don’t know if I, or anyone else, can help you. Here’s my suggestion: get away from everyone have a nice long talk with yourself. Ask yourself if you’re happy, if you’re willing to settle for a life that’s less than you deserve. Ask yourself just why it is that you’re unwilling to do what it takes to make yourself a better, happier, healthier person. If you’re right here, right now, then you’ve got a lot of thinking to do and a lot of work ahead of you.
You FINALLY get serious, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen
You give up. Scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Melted cheese on corn chips is really good, isn’t it?
- THE END -
Chapter Twenty-Three
It’s a good feeling, isn’t it? You’ve taken on this journey with a sense of purpose and pride, and you’re doing it. You’re really doing it. Last week’s weigh-in was solid if not spectacular. Next week you’re forecasting more of the same (well, maybe we’ll shoot for “spectacular” this week). You’re on your way!
You stay the course. Scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Four
You slip up. Scroll up to Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty-Four
You make your goal. Congratulations! It’s been a long hard road, but look at you! You’re amazing. Your friends and family can’t get over the changes you’ve made in yourself, but the person who’s most proud is staring back at you from the mirror.
By the way, there is no end to this journey. Where you go from here is completely up to you.
