An Over-the-Top Challenge

Chris at A Deliberate Life recently singled me out for an “Over the Top” award with the specific challenge that I had to find a way to make the one-word answers to this somewhat pedestrian questionnaire halfway interesting (actually, a few others tagged me with this one as well, but Chris had to go and make a big to-do about it with the big challenge and all). After struggling with it for almost a minute, I decided to handle this the same way my credit card company would: say anything I want and add a sh*tload of asterisks and disclaimers.*

1. Where is your cell phone? off*
2. Your hair? haircut*
3. Your mother? birthday*
4. Your father? four*
5. Your favorite food? sushi*
6. Your dream last night? mazes*
7. Your favorite drink? Macchiato*
8. Your dream/goal? no*
9. What room are you in? spicy*
10. Your hobby? writing*
11. Your fear? kids*
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? fit*
13. Where were you last night? basketball*
14. Something that you aren't? flexible*
15. Muffins? dentist*
16. Wish list item? robots*
17. Where did you grow up? Memphis*
18. Last thing you did? multitasked*
19. What are you wearing? jeans*
20. Your TV? three*
21.Your pets? numerous*
22. Friends? competitive*
23. Your life? busy*
24. Your mood? pretty*
25. Missing someone? robust*
26. Vehicle? Batmobile*
27. Something you’re not wearing? Sinatra*
28. Your favorite store? Costco*
29. Your favorite color? black*
30. When was the last time you laughed? this*
31. Last time you cried? movie*
32. Your best friend? Anita*
33. One place that I go to over and over? gym*
34. One person who emails me regularly? Geoff*
35. Favorite place to eat? home*

1. *Where is your cell phone? It’s probably in my car, turned off. I’m not a big cell phone guy. I looked all over for one that only make outgoing calls–wouldn’t even accept incoming calls. I probably wouldn’t even have one if it wasn’t the tether I use to keep track of my kids. And I’m still not sure I believe my 17-year-old’s explanation that “sexting” stands for “study texting” and that she has to do it for school.
2. *Your hair? Luckily, I think I got my grandfather’s hair. He got a haircut every two weeks until he died (after which, he went down to once a month). I got mine cut last weekend, and the stylist always stops in the middle and kinda makes a face. “Don’t try to make any sense out of it,” I tell her. “Just go for low maintenance and try to make me not look like a psycho hillbilly.”
3. *Your mother? Shirley still gives me a lot of grief because I forgot her birthday a couple of years ago. I didn’t forget to call her. I just forgot that it was her birthday when I called her. She was waiting for the birthday greeting and I was complaining about the kids or work or something. Finally, she realized that I had no idea what day it was. My advice to you? Don’t ever do that.
4. *Your father? Horace doesn’t care if I forget his birthday or not, but I never do because it’s four days after Shirley’s.
5. *Your favorite food? I love Indian and Thai food (not mixed together, stupid), but based on how much of it I eat, I’d probably have to say that sushi tops the ranking right now. There’s nothing quite like riding the Wasabi Express… Woooo wooooooo!
6. *Your dream last night? I seem to dream a lot about mazes, big buildings were I get turned around and can’t find my way. Can’t imagine what that might possibly mean…
7. *Your favorite drink? Before I ditched my coffee habit, my favorite drink was a Starbuck’s Caramel Macchiato, which was basically a cup of coffee with a Milky Way bar melted inside and whipped cream on top. I know, it’s hard to imagine that I was ever obese.
8. *Your dream/goal? I’m pretty adamant that I have no set goal in mind on the weight-loss front. I honestly believe I’ll know it when I see it. But I will say that I’m lighter today than I’ve been in probably 25 years… and I’m still having consistently good losses.
9. *What room are you in? My daughter Pisa and her friend had set up a tent in the backyard and had adorned it with all kinds of decorations. When I poked my head in to look, Pisa said “Welcome to our Spicy Crib.” When we converted an old guest room into a media center with big-screen TV and big comfy chairs, we dubbed it The Spicy Crib and even put a plaque on the door proclaiming it as such. It’s where I do some of my best work.
10. *Your hobby? I have always enjoyed writing, in all kinds of platforms and all kinds of different styles. I like writing dialogue, I like rhyming, I like experimenting with language. I just generally like playing with words. The positive feedback I get on this blog only makes me want to push the boundaries even farther. If I’ve never thanked you for that… well, thank you for that.
11. *Your fear? I think I have every parent’s overriding fear: that something is going to happen to their kids. I once read that they don’t let the Coca-cola executives who know the secret Coke recipe to ride on an airplane together, I don’t particularly like all my daughters riding together in cars (unless I’m driving). Is that morbid?
12. *Where do you want to be in 6 years? I don’t particularly care where I am, but I do hope that I’m still fit and healthy, still happy and productive. That’s all any of us can ask for, isn’t it?
13. *Where were you last night? I was playing basketball, which still has my family on pins and needles because I was lying on the bathroom floor writhing in pain with a pinched nerve in my back a couple of weeks ago.
14. *Something that you aren't? Even when I’ve been at my fittest, I have never been very flexible. During my assessment with the personal trainer, she wrote 2 times 4 under “Flexibility.” I asked what that meant and she replied “It means you’re about as flexible as a two-by-four.”
15. *Muffins? I think my dentist pulled my sweet tooth when I was younger, because I’ve always had a take-‘em-or-leave-‘em attitude toward cakes, ice cream and candy. At my fattest, I ate them, but not as much as the salty crap-foods.
16. *Wish list item? I spent ten years of my life scouring the earth for an original set of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I thought my life would be complete if I ever found them. Then Ebay came along, and I discovered that I could fill my house with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots if I wanted to. Sometimes the chase is more fun that the aquisition, I think.
17. *Where did you grow up? I was born in Memphis, but when I was young we moved to Memphis. I went to high school in Memphis, but wound up in college in Memphis. I married and raised my family in Memphis, but now we’re in Memphis.
18. *Last thing you did? I multitasked. I’m used to having multiple balls up in the air at one time. I’m uncomfortable unless my world is spinning, apparently.
19. *What are you wearing? I love wearing jeans, and am happy that I can wear ‘em most every day. I have started wearing more fashionable trousers since I’ve dropped the weight. Last time I was this size, I apparently got a little pants-happy for a spell.
20. *Your TV? I finally splurged last year and bought a big-screen TV. It’s great, even though it takes three remotes and an advanced electronics degree to watch a DVD.
21. *Your pets? Since we moved into our current home, my family has had numerous pets, including horses, chickens, dogs, gerbils, cats, a parrot, hamsters, mice, snakes, fishies and a rabbit named Elvis Parsley.
22. *Friends? All my friends that I’ve played basketball with all my life are breaking down physically and are all transitioning to golf. I like golf okay, but only on weekdays during work hours. And I hate playing with them because they’re all so competitive and going “You gotta play the ball where it lies” and “Five feet outside the hole is not a gimme.”
23. *Your life? Hectic as all get out. Things are extremely busy for me, but it’s a whole lotta fun.
24. *Your mood? Feeling pretty bombastic, especially since I have so much more energy after dropping this weight.
25. *Missing someone? I’m missing my old friend Robust E. Conomy. He blew outta town a couple of years ago and I haven’t seen him around these parts in quite some time.
26. *Vehicle? I like my cars like I like my James Bond movies, heavy on the gadgets. If I could get attractive leasing options, I’d drive the Batmobile.
27. *Something you’re not wearing? I’m not wearing a hat, but I sure like the idea of wearing a hat. I see Frank Sinatra wearing a chapeau and it looks so damn cool, but whenever I try one on it just doesn’t work. It looks like I’m trying to hide a big bald spot like every other guy wearing a hat. Either that or a hipster geek (probably with a bald spot).
28. *Your favorite store? I want to say Whole Foods because I really like that place, but I find myself at Costco about once a week, dropping about half a paycheck. I think it’s because they’re always adding new stuff that I tell myself that I can’t live without, such as heated foot massagers or a half gallon of Mediterranean sea salt.
29. *Your favorite color? Black, so black that it couldn't be any blacker even if you spilled ink all over it.
30. *When was the last time you laughed? I laugh at myself all the time. Actually the only thing that makes me laugh more than myself is this (I know, I know... don't give me grief–it just makes me laugh, okay?).
31. *Last time you cried? I took Pisa to see the movie Marley & Me and we both cried like little girls (at least she had the excuse of being a little girl… I had to pretend that my appendix had just burst).
32. *Your best friend? My wife Anita, the only person I know who’s funnier than me. I mean, the only person I know who thinks they’re funnier than me.
33. *One place that I go to over and over? I go to the gym around the corner just about every day. I’ve really got this workout thing down to a great routine now.
34. *One person who emails me regularly? Dr. Geoff, from the Wellsphere Healthblogger Network, loves him some Jack Sh*t, let me tell you. He hits me up regularly, trying to get me to give him my hard-earned work for nothing. He’s a pretty shrewd negotiator; since we began talking, he’s upped his offer from nothing to nada, then from nada to doodley-squat. I’m wavering… I’m wavering.
35. *Favorite place to eat? I had a few restaurants that used to be my favs, but now I truly appreciate eating at home. I get what I want, how much I need and I seldom if ever feel like bloated crap the next morning.


*Note to credit card companies. Just kidding, my friends. Please don’t slash my credit rating.

I’m Sorry, Biggie Smalls

To all the fatties in the place with double-chins on their face,
Allow me to bust up this quiet with a little riot ‘bout my diet.
Who rocks grooves and makes moves ‘bout weight-loss issues?
The back of the club, sippin Fuze, I’m back here hollerin’.
The back of the blog, makin posts, my crew's all followin’.
Mad question askin’, advice passin’, big-ass sassin’.
But I just can't quit
Because no matter what I’m sayin’, Jackie gots another weigh-in
That’s right, post it on the sidebar–why not?
Put it up there even if I didn’t lose squat.
Now check it, I got more hair than Anti-Jared and as for posts,
Believe me, Sweetie, I write these posts double-speedy.
No need to be greedy, I got no friends at Google AdSense.
But got lots of pals that’re writers, true f*ckin’ dieters.
Jump in a browser and say wowser
Tell your friends to visit Jackie, for a little weird and wacky.

I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
Leave a comment under there, if youse a weight-loss playa.
I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
To the fatties writin’ posties from the East to West coasties.
I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
If you got a donut up in your waist, please don't visit this space.
Cause I see some visitors tonight who shouldn’t be stuffin’ they faces,
May-bee.

Straight up homie, really I'm askin’.
Most of these bloggers think they be amusin’ while they be losin’.
Who they foolin’ with that vow, "I’m really gonna lose it now"?
Soon as they make that pledge, I just know they’re on the edge.
I ask what your weight goals are, "Who you kidding"?
Things to make you think, acts to help you shrink.
We gon' be here for a while, ain’t no reason we can’t smile.
So tell you what I’m gonna do
We can rendezvou after I review a blog or two.
Visit blogs of peeps that I believe in, like Lil’ Stephen.
Read a bit, comment some sh*t, word veri then hit “submit.”
Lunchtime on the way to the deli to fill my belly.
A veggie wrap, fuji apple and extra large diet Snapple.
Masticate for a few, cause in a few, I gon' do
What I got to do: exercise, ain’t that right, Boo? (truuuueee)
Forget the deli, I just go to the gym
and get metaphysical on the elliptical while my PT’s all critical.

I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
Leave a comment under there, if youse a weight-loss playa.
I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
To the fatties writin’ posties from the East to West coasties.
I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
If you got a donut up in your waist, please don't visit this space.
Cause I see some visitors tonight who shouldn’t be stuffin’ they faces,
May-bee.

How ya livin Jackie Sh*tz? In a weight-loss blitz
Writin poemies fo my homies, and it feels stupendous.
Tremendous dream, f*ck the donuts and ice cream (whaat)
Still hitting the weights with exercise extreme.
Smoothie a day, fulla fruit an' Protein Whey.
Recipes and smaller clothes, all a weight-loss blogga knows.
Easy to measure, whatever.
I’ve found buried treasure, the scale providin’ pleasure.
Yeah, living better now, smaller sweater now.
Regular BM's–I'm the man, girlfriend.
Honey check it, (check it)
Tell your friends, to get with my friends
And we can be friends.
Sh*t, we can do this every day.
Aight? Is that aight with you?
Yeah... keep bloggin’.

I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
Leave a comment under there, if youse a weight-loss playa.
I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
To the fatties writin’ posties from the East to West coasties.
I love it when you call me Big Blogga.
If you got a donut up in your waist, please don't visit this space.
Cause I see some visitors tonight who shouldn’t be stuffin’ they faces,
May-bee.


Note: The video above was the cleaned-up version. Here's the uncensored one...

Dial-A-Spiel

I don’t know exactly how much encouragement you need today… a gentle nudge, a swift firm kick in the seat of the pants or my patented scorched-earth special. Whatever level of push you require, I’ve crafted this post to suit your needs. Just follow the color-coded key to dial up (or down) the rhetoric.

You are on a weight-loss journey, and you’ve been doing pretty well not doing as well as you should sucking ass. The thing is, there’s a world of health and opportunity out there and it’s time for you to grab your fair share. Because, let’s face it, you deserve it it’s not going to come looking for you you’re acting about as interested as a dead squirrel.

Rise up and make this happen, my friend. Get busy and get going get your life started get your head out of your ass. The time is now, and you need to reach out and take it you need to act like you give a damn you need to quit being a big–and I mean “big”–baby and start doing it. That’s right, it’s time to get going it’s time to do it if you’re ever gonna to do it it’s time to put your large girl panties on and act like you want it.

You know the drill. You know what you need to do and you know that it’s in you to do it. I truly believe that if you seek greatness, you will find it if you want it badly enough you’ll find a way to find success you won't find it unless you get serious enough to slide your Titantic-sized ass right by all these icebergs.

Do you really want it? Well, if you do then you really need to step it up and take it you really need to push yourself to another level you need to quit being a whiny little b*tch and get after it.

It’s time for you to get your head in the right place, and put the focus on what exactly needs to be done. The day ahead is bright and beautiful and there’s absolutely no reason that you can’t achieve every goal you’ve set for yourself dig down a little deeper and tap into that well of strength and determination that dwells inside you quit eating like a grizzly bear at an all-you-can-eat salmon and honeycomb buffet.

Be the person that deep down you know you can be, that strong-willed trooper with brains and will-power, the drive to succeed and the heart to go the distance. Anything less would be selling yourself short would leave you knowing that you cheated yourself out of the future you deserve and I’ll come to your house and hit you upside the head with an ironing board.

You can do this! I know you can, and more importantly, I think you know you can. And I truly believe this: you’ll soon be making enormous strides and accomplishing great things the sooner you get really serious about this journey, the sooner you’ll start standing in front of the mirror and admiring a fitter new you if you’re here for serious weight loss advice, you’re in worse shape than I realized.

This is a great adventure and I wish you all the best all the success you deserve would begin already.

All Work And No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy

Weekly weigh-in: 221.2
Weekly weigh-in: 217.0
Loss: -4.2
Total loss: 74.5 lbs.
Emotion: Keep on truckin'-ish

I’m as boring as snot.

Really, I’m a one-man yawnfest.

Each morning, I get up at the same time and eat the same ol’ breakfast. In my food journal, I’ve started writing “SOB” next to breakfast, shorthand for “same ol’ breakfast.”

Around eleven, I’ll generally eat a handful of almonds. By then, I’ll have had four or five glasses of water. Don't get between me and the bathroom.

A half hour later, I’ll head out to the gym and exercise for 45 minutes or so. Usually the same routine, day after day. Luckily, they change out the security guard at the door every day, because I'll generally use the same joke all week when I check in (last week: "I'll give you ten dollars to work out for me today").

In the middle of the afternoon, I’ll have a cup of green tea (finally learned to gag it down) if I’m not hungry. I’ll have an apple if I am hungry.

After that I try to…. hello… hello… wake up. WAKE UP! I’m sorry, I’ll try to pick up the pace here with a joke.

A few weeks ago, I went to my high school reunion, even though I hadn't been to one in decades. When I walked in, I thought I recognized this woman over in the corner, so I approached her and extended my hand in greeting.

"You look like Helen Brown," I said.

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so hot in blue either."

That one make you work too hard? Okay, how about this:

Q: What's the difference between a professional blogger and a large cheese pizza?

A: A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

Okay, got that out of my system. Now back to the dull old dullness. My point about all this ho-hum humdrum is that a successful weight-loss journey can be pretty boring at times, can be stale, can be dull, dull, dull. It can be as boring as a spreadsheet about. which spreadsheet-making software makes the best spreadsheets.

But dull days can make for some spectacular weigh-ins.

I’m Sorry, Ethyl Merman

Audio only

I feel swelled! Not so great!
Gonna start putting less on my plate!
Starting here, starting now,
Honey, everything's coming up losses!

Clear the decks! Clear the pass!
Gonna take a few pounds off my ass.
Blow a kiss. Skip a meal.
Honey, everything's coming up losses!

Let’s start grinning. Stand up and cheer!
Scale is spinning! This is just the beginning!
Get on up! Ride the bike!
Learn to find healthy foods that you like!
You'll be swell. You'll be great.
I can tell. You’ll lose weight.
Yes, every goal you’ve set is coming true!
Honey, everything's coming up losses for me and for you!

You can do it, all you need is a hand.
We can do it, Jackie is gonna see to it!
Wake on up! Workout clothes!
We got nothing to hit but new lows!
I can tell, wait and see.
Here’s my blog! Follow me!
And nothing's gonna stop us 'til we're through!
Honey, everything's coming up losses and diet pills!
Everything's coming up sunshine and smaller clothes!
Everything's gonna be lite drinks and low cal snacks!
Everything's coming up losses for me and for you!

x

Weight Loss Songs for Little Children

I Know a Fat Lady Who Swallowed a Fry

I know a fat lady who swallowed a fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed hard cider.
It splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who chowed on some bread.
That’s what I said, she chowed on some bread.
She swallowed the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a cake,
Goodness sake, she downed a whole cake!
She swallowed the cake right after the bread.
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a hot dog.
My, what a hog, to woof down a dog!
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake,
She took the cake after chowing on bread,
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her,
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a ham.
Didn’t give a damn, just crammed in that ham!
She crammed the ham like she woofed down the dog.
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake.
She took the cake after chowing on bread.
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who went on a binge.
It still makes me cringe how she went on that binge.
She went on the binge after cramming the ham.
She crammed the ham like she woofed down the dog.
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake.
She took the cake after chowing on bread,
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her,
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who asked herself “Why?”
I think she’ll try!

Old Fat Donald

Old Fat Donald had a pharm EIEI-OH
And at that pharm he bought some Lipovox EIEI-OH
With a side effect here, and a side effect there.
Here a wheeze, there a rash
Wheeze wheeze rash rash
Old Fat Donald had a pharm EIEI-OH

Do Your Chins Hang Low?

Do your chins hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Do you have a turkey neck?
Can you knead ‘em like bread dough?
Do they make you say “Oh dear-a!”
When you look into a mirror?
Do your chins hang low?

Do your sides hang wide?
Do they flap from side to side?
Does your belly kinda flop?
Do you have a muffin top?
One of the low-waisted types?
Do you look real bad in stripes?
Do your sides hang wide?

Is the weight coming down?
Have you quit messing around?
Are you starting to eat less?
Are you making good progress?
Are you starting to believe it,
That you really can achieve it?
Is the weight coming down?

I've Been Working on my Weight Loss

I've been workin' on my weight loss,
All the live long week.
I've been workin' on my weight loss,
Just to improve my physique.
Don't you see me up here blogging?
Posting up so early in the morn.
Don't you reads the comments saying,
"Jackie, blog some more?"

Jackie, won't you blog?
Jackie, won't you blog?
Jackie, won't you blog some more?
Jackie, won't you blog?
Jackie, won't you blog?
Jackie, won't you blog some more?

More, More, More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

• “I once had an out-of-body experience on that piece of equipment.”
• “Wheeww… maybe I shouldn’t have donated blood right before my workout…”
• “I couldn’t afford gel insoles so I filled my sneakers with chocolate pudding.”
• “Y’know, if I could be any kind of animal in the world, I’d be a mammal.”
• “Skateboarding on a treadmill is more exercise than it looks.”
• “I’m just curious: what’s your social security number?”
• “Excuse me… do you know where this gym’s smoking section is located?”
• “I did 500 virtual jumping jacks this morning.”
• “Mind if I change the TV to The Incontinence Channel?”
• “Wanna see me make my muscle pop up?”
• “Who filled my water bottle with Milk of Magnesia? Oh wait... I did."
  
• “I have about 8,000 songs on my iPod, but they’re all Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”
• “You know what this gym needs? A Moon Bounce!”
• “Aren’t these workout gloves soft? They’re made out of human skin.”
• “I’m training for a 0K marathon.”
• “Wow, the women’s locker room has a lot fewer urinals than the men’s.”
• “Want a piece of my garlic-onion-banana gum?”
• “Excuse me, but what’s a good exercise for your headtoid muscles?”
• “Man, my thong is riding up.”
• “You know, when I finish my workout, I feel like a beautiful butterfly.”
• “My name’s Jack, but you can call me Zsa Zsa.”