Features of My New Buggy Bod (Off-Brand Body Bugg)

• Attaches to arm with rubber band instead of adjustable strap
• State-of-the-art digital sundial
• When you plug it into your USB port, funny pics of kittens pop up
• Emits ear-piercing scream whenever you stop walking
• Provides sunblock protection for area of arm it covers
• GPS turn-by-turn directions to nearest Krispy Kreme
• Fold-out bottle opener
• Tracks calories burned, steps taken and other physiological parameters utilizing patented Guess-timation™ technology
• Has mp1 player that holds up to three songs.
• Button that allows you to spray mace on anyone who asks “What’s that stupid thing on your arm?”
• Built-in snooze alarm
• Secret Pez® pellet slot

No Sh*t

Since this is supposedly a weight loss blog, I should probably include some tidbits on what I’m eating, what workouts I’m doing and what feelings I’m feeling. Okay, here goes…

• I’m eating food.
• I’m doing workouts.
• I’m feeling fine.

More specifics? C’mon, this is the place you come for sh*ts and grins, not recipes and workout schedules. Okay, okay… just this once, more specifics.

• I’m eating regular foods, just less of them than my brain thinks my body actually needs. I’ve tried to slow down my eating, and I’ve tried to listen to my body tell me when it’s full. It’s difficult, because it talks like this: “Okay, that’s enough for now. Thank you very much.” I’m trying not to eat out so much because I know I can make better choices at home. I’m trying to incorporate more fruits and veggies, and I’m drinking more water (no diet sodas or coffee, for the time being). I’m doing well, because I’m hungrier for a life-change than a bowl of chips.
• I’m working out, in some form or fashion, every day of the week. I don’t schedule “off days” because life generally has a way of forcing an off-day on you every so often. Some days I don’t wanna get my sweat on, but I know the weight won’t come off without the “exercise more” part of the equation. The body can adjust to less food; it has no defense for you burning calories.
• I’m feeling fine. Really. I think I’m through the worst of the “crazy thinking” that led me to Obese City. And I give a lot of credit to these blogs… mine and all the other interesting voices I follow. Everyone’s got their own style, their own secrets for getting through the day, their own stories, both boring and fascinating. As for me, I may not always have something important to say, but I find I always have something to say.

I have so many great people providing me support along the way that I forget one of the main reasons I’m writing this blog: to serve as a reminder of all the hard work I'm putting in, all the hours of sweat and dedication I'm putting myself through and all those bitter battles with my pesky inner demons that I'm at least winning my fair share. I want to remember what I was like before (miserable), and just what it took to get me on the road back to where I belong (healthy, happy, wise… well, two out of three ain’t bad).

It’s funny (and not the ha-ha funny you came here for, I’m sorry to say), but, in all kinds of ways, I expect to be a bigger person when I finish this journey than when I began it.

Here’s to wise choices, good friends and (at least) a little love from the scale this week.

More Signs It's Gonna Be a Bad Weight Loss Day

• Instead of your exercise shoes, you accidently packed a pair of ham sandwiches in your gym bag.
• Persistent sample lady at grocery store force-feeds you Triscuits smothered with Cheeze Whiz.
• You’re retaining more water than the Hoover Dam.
• Inadvertently made your sandwich with marshmallow crème instead of low-fat mayonnaise.
• Person you’re having business lunch with wants to meet at some place called “Corn Dog Warehouse.”
• Boss just dropped off plate of still-warm chocolate chip cookies to reward your hard work.
• Doctor prescribes round of steroids “just to see what happens.”
• You must need new glasses; you picked up “1,000 calorie snack packs” instead of “100 calorie” ones.
• Somebody sent you a bouquet of fudgescicles.
• Stuck in traffic jam on expressway, you find a jumbo bag of M&M’s in the glove compartment.
• Somehow your water bottle got filled with gravy.
• When you brush your hair, hunks of cake fall out.

Weight Loss Jump Rope Rhymes

Cinderella
Cinderella, on the scale-a,
gained some weight, oh let me tell ya.
Used common sense
when she found her prince.
How many pounds
has she lost since?
[count until someone messes up]

The C-H-E-A-T-E-R Song
Ol’ Jack Sh*t, sittin' in a car.
C-H-E-A-T-E-R
First comes cola, then comes snacks
Then comes Quadriple XL-sized slacks.

Kookablogger
Kookablogger sits at the old oak desk,
Eating up foods to make him grotesque.
Stop Kookablogger, stop Kookablogger.
If you don’t stop, you’ll be a d*mn mess.
How many days ‘til he changes his ways?
[count until someone messes up]

Teddy Bear
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear turn around,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear touch the ground.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear do some crunches,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear throw some punches.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear do a Shred drill,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear run the treadmill.
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear work out for an hour,
Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear please take a shower.

Not-So-Tiny Tim
I knew a big, fat Plumpy,
His name was “Tiny” Tim.
He got stuck in his bathtub, and things were looking grim.
He drank all kinds of soda, he ate all kinds of sh*t,
Finally he called in assistance to try and help him quit.
In came the doctor, (jumper jumps in)
In came the nurse, (second jumper jumps in)
In came the lady with Alli in her purse (third jumper jumps in)
Oily discharge on the doctor (jumper jumps out)
Oily discharge on the nurse (second jumper jumps out)
Oily discharge on the lady with the Alli in her purse (third jumper jumps out)

Working Out with Judy, My Impersonal Trainer

• “Do three sets of ten thing-a-ma-jiggies on the arm thing.”
• “No, I can’t tell you what muscle group that works.”
• Okay, John. Do some squat-thrust-lift-ups.”
• “I don’t need to write anything down; I’m keeping up with it in my head.”
• “Do some stuff for your lats.”
• “Whatever you do, Jeff… just make sure you use completely perfect form. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
• “Hi, Karen. Yeah, I’m on Loser Patrol this afternoon.”
• “C’mon, *yawn* you can do it.”
• “It’s a rowing machine. Row, dumb*ss!”
• “Why don’t you try spotting yourself, Jerry?”
• “I was on break, okay?”
• “Yeah, probably you should do some of those… you know… ummm… crunchies.”
• “If the weight feels too heavy, try trying harder.”
• “Excuse me, I’m on the phone.”
• “How much time do we have left? Do that much on the treadmill.”

Kn*ck Kn*ck

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Wade
Wade who?
Wade myself this morning and gained half a stinkin’ pound.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Jack
Jack who?
Jack and see if something’s wrong with that scale.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Thanks, a handful of cashews only has 100 or so calories.

Kn*ck Kn*ck!
Who's there?
Sara.
Sara who?
Sara easier way to lose weight than diet and exercise?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who’s there?
Claudette
Claudette who?
Claude et the whole pie in one sitting.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Alli.
Alli who?
Alli discharge is a side effect of that new fat pill.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
Miserable–I’m dieting. Hawaii you?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
One shoe
One shoe who?
One shoe get me something better to eat than this fat-free cottage cheese?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream every time I think about dessert.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
U-boat.
U-boat who?
U-boat lost more weight than I did this week.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey really have to keep up with all these stupid points on WW?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me some veggies… they’re low-fat and delicious.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Amsterdam.
Amsterdam, who?
Amsterdam tired of all these stupid Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes I could sh*t.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop complaining about these Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita another weight loss blog if you want something that’s not so stupid.

Ways Losing Weight Is Like Sex

• There’s no single right way to do it.
• It’s more fun when somebody’s doing it with you.
• The whole process is filled with a lot of moaning and groaning.
• It’s a lot more fun when you experiment.
• It’s hard to do at a restaurant.
• Sometimes, you’re just on your own.
• Size matters.
• If you don’t move and work up a sweat, you won’t see good results.
• Even if you’re only partially successful… hey, it’s still good.
• Sometimes a mirror helps.
• Getting in new pants is a big incentive.
• It can make you a little crazy.
• Eating a submarine sandwich in bed can spoil it.
• Some days you just know it’s not going to happen.
• There’s a ton of resources on the internet on the subject.
• If you do it well, the final result is spectacular.