More Signs It's Gonna Be a Bad Weight Loss Day

• Instead of your exercise shoes, you accidently packed a pair of ham sandwiches in your gym bag.
• Persistent sample lady at grocery store force-feeds you Triscuits smothered with Cheeze Whiz.
• You’re retaining more water than the Hoover Dam.
• Inadvertently made your sandwich with marshmallow crème instead of low-fat mayonnaise.
• Person you’re having business lunch with wants to meet at some place called “Corn Dog Warehouse.”
• Boss just dropped off plate of still-warm chocolate chip cookies to reward your hard work.
• Doctor prescribes round of steroids “just to see what happens.”
• You must need new glasses; you picked up “1,000 calorie snack packs” instead of “100 calorie” ones.
• Somebody sent you a bouquet of fudgescicles.
• Stuck in traffic jam on expressway, you find a jumbo bag of M&M’s in the glove compartment.
• Somehow your water bottle got filled with gravy.
• When you brush your hair, hunks of cake fall out.

Signs It's Going to Be a Bad Weight-Loss Day

• Woke up with a hunk of fudge in your mouth.
• Gym closed for “swine flu” precautions.
• Friends invite you to “Fondue Throwdown.”
• You hear voices in the kitchen; turns out to be plate of talking brownies.
• Starbucks barista: “Wait, was that supposed to be non-fat, no-whip?”
• Ice cream truck has flat tire in front of your house.
• Cute neighbor selling Girl Scout cookies door to door.
• You’ve maxed out your points for today by 6:30 p.m. yesterday.
• Pedometer says you’ve walked minus 1 mile so far.
• Your hunger pains have hunger pains.
• Freezer breaks down day after you bought all those popscicles.
• Guy at concession stand at movies could have sworn you said “Mo’ butter.”
• Weight Watcher instructor gasps when you walk through door.
• A secret admirer keeps leaving you glazed donuts and slices of crispy bacon.
• Boss invites you to lunch at Cheesecake Factory.
• Turns out recipe for “fat-free lemon bars” had two sticks of butter.
• Could swear you heard scale laugh as you came near it.

Happy f*ckin' Monday.