House of Carbs

“For my first act as president of the United States, I’m going to outlaw bread,” said President Jack, rapping his secret decoder ring sharply against the top of the desk in the Oval Office.

“Excuse me, sir,” said the new Vice-President. “I don’t think you have the authority to…”

“I CAN DO ANY DAMN THING I WANT. I’M THE FREAKIN’ PRESIDENT OF THE FREAKIN’ UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! NOT AMERICAN’T!”

“I still don’t understand how that came to pass,” said the VP, shaking his head.

“What’s so hard to understand?” said President Jack. “The president, vice-president, speaker of the house, speaker pro tempore, secretary of state, secretary of treasury, secretary of defense and attorney general all died in a motorcycle accident.”

“Well, what about the Secretary of the Interior or the Secretary of Agri…”?

“I’M THE FREAKIN’ PRESIDENT, OKAY?”

“Yes, sir,” said the VP. “It’s just that I don’t believe…”

“Not another word!” sneered President Jack, turning to look at the camera. “The road to power is paved with hypocrisy. And casualties. And luck. I was lucky to get the president and the others into that motorcycle sidecar, after all. But it all went according to me and my wife Éclair’s master plan, to which there were but but three rules:  number one - never quit. Number two - always remember rule number one. And number three - don’t make any more rules than absolutely necessary.”

“Who are you talking to?” asked the VP. “You know I can hear you.”

“I’m going to do what has never been done in this country,” swore President Jack. “I’m going to make sure every man, woman and child has access to proper nutrition.”

“The press is hammering you about this monumental government overreach.”

“So what if I tricked that reporter into eating kale in a smoothie,” said President Jack. “It’s not like I killed her, is it. Oh wait…”

“But there’s one thing you forgot when you planned to outlaw bread,” said the VP.

“What’s that?”

“Pizza crust is made out of bread,” remarked the VP.

A blood-curdling scream filled the Oval Office.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”