I Am From... THE FUTURE!

“I come from the future!” said the voice dramatically.

It was odd… the person standing in front of me in the parking lot looked exactly like me, except he was dressed a little differently.

“Ummm, I’m running late,” I said, shoving past him. People are always stopping me in the parking lot and wanting to chit-chat. 

“Stop!” commanded the voice, even more dramatically. “I come bearing a message… (dramatic pause) FROM THE FUTURE.”

“Let me guess,” I frowned. “You’re Year-From-Now Jack and you’ve come back to inspire me to kick my healthy living journey into a higher gear?”

“Not so much,” Future Jack shrugged. “I’m actually from tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I said, scratching my head.

“TOMORROW,” he boomed dramatically.

“Like ‘tomorrow’ figuratively or ‘tomorrow’ literally?” I asked.

“You know, I still get those two mixed up,” answered Future Jack. “Like, I just tweeted that I ran on the treadmill until my heart literally exploded...”

“I hope you’re not here to tell me to live life as if I were going to die tomorrow,” I said sternly. “Because last time somebody told me to do that, I maxed out my credit card at Brookstone.”

“But you needed that spinning tie rack and helicopter-mounted digital camera,” argued Future Jack. 

“Why are you here then?” I asked.

“To give you this reminder,” smiled Future Jack. “The tomorrow you’re committed to doesn’t start with me; it starts with you.”

“How’d you get so smart?” I asked.

He gave me a smile and a wink: “I’m older than you.”

Be Good, Dummy

Good: Raisin Bran. 

Bad: Milk Dud Bran.

Good: Handful of raw almonds.

Bad: Handful of steaming hot taco meat.

Good: Long walk after dinner.

Bad: Long chili dog after dinner.

Good: A glass of water every hour while at work.

Bad: A shot of tequila every time you get a new email while at work.

Good: 20 push-ups (the exercise)

Bad: 20 Push-ups (the sherbet treat)

Good: 100-calorie snack pack.

Bad: Ten 100-calorie snack packs.

Good: Session with a personal trainer.

Bad: Trying to get free personal training session by dressing all in black and pretending to be shadow of person getting personal training session.

Good:  A glass of red wine.

Bad: A case of red wine.

Good: Half-marathon.

Bad: Half- half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon.

Good: Eating several small meals each day.

Bad: Eating seventy small meals each day.

Good: Weight-loss blogging.

Bad: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.

Scale Man

Chimichangas and pie ala mode.

Fried taters, I ate a truckload.

And when you eat it, 

It stays on. 

You got to worry, 

‘Cause weigh-in’s coming. 


I’m a scale man, 
I’m a scale man. 

Sometimes fail, man. 
I’m a scale man, 
I’ve got too much…



Couldn’t take 
How much I weigh, 

So I hit the gym each and every day.
Started trackin’ 
What I et. 

But I ain’t accomplished 
Nothing yet.
I’m a scale man, 
I’m a scale man, play it, Steve.

I’m a scale man, 
I’m a scale man.



Now I eat good, 
Every chance I get, listen now…
Exercise… 
Yeah, I work up a sweat.
I got educated about nutritious stuff.
Now I stop eatin’ when I’ve had enough.

I’m a scale man, 
I’m a scale man.
I’m a scale man, 
I’m a scale man.

So, grab a rope and 
I’ll lift you up 

And be your “Provide Support” Friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

I’m talkin’ about a scale man
I’m a scale man, and you’re a scale man
I’m a scale man, 
Oh no, scale man. 

I’m a scale man, 

And you’re a scale man.

Let's Go!

"It will never rain roses; 

when we want to have more roses 

we must plant more trees."

–George Eliot 

Weight-Loss Books for Children

• Where the Wide Things Are

• Goodnight Moonface

• Blueberry Pie for Sal

• Not-So-Little Bear

• Anno’s Weight-Loss Journey

• The Lardax

• Miss Rumpthin

• Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Diet

• The Cat in the Fat

• A Bear With Too Much Paddington

• Skinny-the-Pooh

• Bread and Low-Sugar Jam for Frances

• Curious Gorge

• In The Lite Kitchen

• The Runaway Tummy

• Charlie and the Carob Factory

• Where the Widewalk Ends

• Anne of Green Veggies

• Pippi Wrongsnacking

• If You Give a Mouse a Cookie It Could Lead to Diabetes

• Harry the Diet-y Dog

• Harold and the Purple Cabbage

Bad Bad

On the South side of Chicago,

Having deep-dish and a 6-pack.
Chowing down down there,
Health in disrepair.
It’s a man named blog-boy Jack.

Now Jackie’s more than chubby,
Even tho he stands at six foot four.
All the downtown ladies call him "Fatty McFatface,"
It just makes him wanna eat more.

And he's fat, fat blog-boy Jack.
The fattest man of the whole damn pack.
Fatter than Kevin from “The Office”
Eatin’ until he makes himself nauseous.

Now Jackie, he was a snacker,
And he outgrew all his clothes.
And he liked to munch his onions rings,
It’s why he can’t see his toes.
He eats way to much for breakfast.
Lunches on too much, too.
He got a fried tater in his pocket for later.
He got a Mars bar in his shoe.

And he's fat, fat blog-boy Jack.
Bought a bag of chips and ate the whole sack.
Fatter than Rosie or Oprah.
Never seems to get off the sofa.

Well, Friday bout five years ago,
Jackie changed his ways.
Took a look in the mirror
He put down those Doritos,
And ooh that boy amazed.
Well, he started eatin’ better,
And an exercise program began.
Blog-boy Jack learned a lesson
'Bout lessening, start the life of a healthy man.

Now he's fit, fit blog-boy Jack.
The fittest man of the whole damned pack.
Leaner than a junkyard dog.
Writer of a dumb health blog.

Healthy St. Patrick's Day Traditions

• Participate in a 10K pub crawl

• Add a potato and a shot of Irish whiskey to your smoothie

• Stand during st Patrick's day parade instead of asking to sit on shoulders of person next to you

• Lite green beer

• During your workout, curse in Gaelic

• Hire a leprechaun as a personal trainer

• Eat a shamrock salad

• Try dublin your reps during workout

• Riverdance until you can no longer feel your legs

• Replace the marshmallows in your Lucky Charms with tofu hearts, moons, stars and clovers

Remember What Confush*t Say...

Confush*t say...

…person who employ low-carb diet is going against the grain.

…a 5 a.m. workout is like a pig’s tail. It’s twirly. 

…person who don’t like root vegetables don't carrot all about good health.

…person who is too obese but wants to play basketball should remember wide men can’t jump.

…person who lives life as couch potato will likely raise tater tots.

…person who eats too much at Japanese restaurant might have sake weigh-in.

…person who put off prostate exam usually get it in the end.

…person who drink beer generally doesn’t lose weight, but it’s on a case-by-case basis.

  

…person who has an organic garden tills it like it is.

…person who reads Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit every day is very defacated reader.

Confush*t believes there are two kinds of people in this world. The first person is the one who diets and exercises religiously. The second person is the one who eats and does what they want and prays they don't gain weight.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

The Not-So-Little Mermaid

The muscles are always leaner


On somebody else's bod.


You dream about being like that,


But that’s where your thinking’s flawed.

Don’t let all your fat confound you


Right here on your weight-loss war.

Put healthy habits around you.

You’ll find what you lookin' for.


Obesity.


Obesity.


Darling, it's better


When you’re a sweat-sweater.

Take it from me.

Some of the folks, they eat all day.


They don’t care nothin’

‘Bout what they weigh.


While they be bitin',


We all keep dietin’.


Obesity.

Right here all the folks is healthy.

Exercisin’ and in a groove.


Folks on the other side ain't healthy.


They sad; they can barely move.


The food in they bowl is junky.


They in for a worser fate.

They spend they whole life hungry,

And got too much on they plate.


Obesity.


Obesity.


Order the pizza

Tho it defeats ya.

Way too grease-y!


Healthier not to weigh a ton.


Obesity, we don’t want none.


Don’t be a quitter.


Time to get fitter.


Obesity.


Obesity.


No need to cheat here.


Good food to eat here


Naturally.

We eat right, work out each day.

We know good health is here to stay.


We got the spirit.

No need to fear it.


Obesity.