Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You'll Thank Me Later

  • I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich

  • Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order

  • Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway

  • Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy

  • For every glass of wine you drink, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people

  • I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”

  • Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter

     
  • When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy

  • Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates

  • Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush

  • For every Christmas cookie you eat, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”

  • Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee



    .


22 comments:

  1. Question about the Christmas cookies. Which magazine is it? And what kind of puppy? Just wondering if it's worth it...

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  2. I would actually love to have that reminder service in the drivethru! And hm....seems like Starbucks already does that!

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  3. Oh...and hey, why you slammin' Matlock? >:-(

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  4. Oh crap, I ate a bunch of sugar cookies last weekend! Do those count?

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  5. So glad I don't have a daughter so I can really appreciate how funny that line was. Genius.

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  6. nooooooooooooooo---Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy!

    I think I'll totally avoid christmas cookies now, thank you so much!!! Im not even being sarcastic hehehe
    And ouch, my feet hurt just THINKING about getting run over by a segway...

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  7. Can I just thank you now? Do I have to wait until later? I might forget.

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  8. TWO things for eating Christmas cookies?!?! Sooooo not fair!

    Okay, I'll eat some Christmas brownies. And cranberry bread. And spice cake. And fudge.

    Yahoo!

    Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

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  9. I'm thanking you right now for the laugh.

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  10. And the last one is... not true anyway? ;-)

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  11. Now that 3 bucks for a cuppa coffee makes perfect sense!

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  12. I'm with Ryan on this one- if it's one of those yappy dogs women deem necessary to carry around in a purse and dress up like dolls, I'm cool with binging on a cookie.

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  13. Srsly on the yappy dress up dogs! Heck, I'll eat TWO cookies if you feed a few to a shark!

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  14. How did you do that last one? Because it's so so true!!

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  15. I don't have a daughter either...but I have two teenage sons. Ummmmm....never mind. The thought of that is traumatic enough to put me on celery and water for a month.

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  16. Itchy powder in my undies. You're too late. The sugar does it.

    But the list would make a good motivational chart on the fridge. I may never eat another candy bar.

    You've made my day. Clearly it doesn't take much.

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  17. love all but the sext one.. sorry thats just sick

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  18. holy crap balls. the cookies count double? poor puppies and magazine subscriptions. wonder if there's a magazine for tail-less puppies.

    I multi-task like that.

    what about the flip side? every time i drink a glass of water, does an angel get his/her wings?

    that'd be nifty.

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