Fifty (Or So) Shades

Let me get this straight: they go and make a movie based on the 50 Shades of Gray books, but nobody offers to do a film adaptation of my super-sexy 50-Shady blog posts? Somebody deserves a spanking...

Fifty Shades of Fat

Fifty Shades Fatter

Even More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of Whole Foods

• Loudly freaking out when you notice that a bottle of corn syrup contains high-fructose corn syrup.

• Trying to put a piece of fresh salmon through the coffee grinder.

• Getting on the intercom and singing a medley of Justin Beiber songs.

• Parking your car in the frozen food section.

• Proclaiming yourself the “High Priest of the Church of Exotic Cheeses” and eating a tenth of the contents of the cheese bin as your tithe.

• Attempting to pay for your groceries with Confederate money.

• Setting up stalks of celery in the produce depart and then practicing your “Cantaloupe Bowling”

• “Sampling” your weight in organic grapes.

• Tying six carts together and charging other customers for rides on the “Whole Foods Choo-Choo”.

• Standing at the door and handing out print-outs of your blog post “Even More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of Whole Foods”.

Excuses-for-a-Gain Bingo

Beyond Thunderthigh-Dome

Aunty Eaty: Welcome to another edition of Thunderthigh-Dome!

Dr. Feelgood:  Listen all! This is the truth of it. Bitin’ leads to snackin’, and snackin’ gets to overeatin’. And that was damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Fattened up, and everyone talking about a big gain! But we've learned, by the dust of them all... Lardertown learned. Now, when folks get to fighting their weight, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two men enter; one man leaves. 

Jack: But there’s just me.

Dr. Feelgood:  I meant… one man the size of two men enter, one man the size of one man leaves. Anyway, right now, I've got a man, a man with a gut full of fear and corn chips.  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... dietin’ time’s here! 

The 10 Commandments of Weight Loss

1. Thou shalt not eat a loaf of French bread dipped in hot rotel dip.

2. Thou shalt not wear sweatpants to a wedding (especially thy own).

3.  Thou shalt not fall asleep on the recumbent bike at the gym for twenty minutes and call it thy workout.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy co-diner’s French fries.

5. Thou shalt put no salt thy food before thy tasteth it.

6.  Thou shalt not take thy Lord's name in vain while attempting to do a chin-up.

7. Thou shalt not bear false witness on thy food tracking app.

8.  Thou shalt not commit cheesecake adultery.

9. Thou shalt do thy best to eat more healthy foods and get in some exercise each day, so help you God.

10. Thou shalt put no other blogs before my blog.

Healthy Living for Cheapskates

• Tired of paying exorbitant prices for gel insoles? Simply fill your running shoes with chocolate pudding.

• Have you ever considered saving the life of a farmer so that he feels beholden to you and pays you back in fresh vegetables?

• You wind up paying extra for those 100-calorie packs, so buy 1,000-calorie packs and only eat one-tenth of the contents at a time.

• Make your own Red Bull by mixing together caffeine, taurine, glucuronolactone, B-group vitamins, sucrose and glucose.

• You can make your own water bottle by finding some sort of container that will hold liquid and then filling it with water.

• You can make your own kettlebell at home by welding an iron “C” to an ordinary metal ball.

• Most fitness centers will give you a pass for a free trial week, so you just need to find 52 different gyms to “try”.

• Based on my experience, setting up a $5-a-pop kissing booth at the mall won't make you as much extra spending money as much as you thought.

Your Healthiest Super Bowl Party Ever!

• Looking for a low-fat onion dip recipe? Mine couldn’t be simpler: just cut out an onion and put it in a bowl. Voilá! Chunky-style onion dip!

• Replace regular potato chips with healthy kale chips and no one will know the difference unless they happen to eat one.

• Traditional halftime half-marathon.               

• Instead of 7-Layer Dip, try 6-Layer Dip… that’s 14% less layer.

• Don’t participate in more than one hot-dog-eating contest per day.

• Make the party BYOBC (“Bring Your Own Bok Choy”).

• Instead of serving beer, why not try giving all your beer to me?

• Tofu-tball… no, it’s not what you think… it’s a football made out of tofu. What? That’s what you thought it was? Damn, are you some kind of psychic?

• Every time announcer says “They have to establish their running game,” everybody has to eat a stalk of celery.

• Instead of watching the big game, gather everyone around and have a reading of selected posts from my blog.