Welcome to Corn Dog Warehouse...

“Welcome to Corn Dog Warehouse, home of King Corng, the World’s Largest Man-Made Corn Dog. May I take your order?”

“Wow, that’s a mouthful. Do you have to say that to everyone?”

“Yes sir. Can I interest you a Colossal Corny Corn Dog Combo, it’s just $3.99.”

“Actually, I’m looking for something a little lighter…”

“How about our Junior Corndog Classic? It’s four feet of meat-and-cornmeal value meal deal.”

“Tempting… but I’m watching my diet.”

“Well, there’s our Crispy Cod Dog with a Candied Corn-on-the-Cob.”

“I don’t know…”

“It comes with our Bottomless Tub o’ Tartar.”

“That’s a no-go. Ummm, can you get the Whirly Curly Chili Cheese Fries without cheese?”

“No sir.”

“Why not?”

“Well, the fries are made of cheese.”

“Okay, do the Awesomely OuttaSite Onion Rings have onions in them?”

“Duh, they’re called Onion Rings…”

“But do they have onions in them?”

“Sir, they’re onion rings…”

“But if I cut off the crusty coating, will I find a ring of onion inside?”

“No sir.”

“What’s your soup de jour?”

“That’s our soup of the day.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Today’s soup is Cornball Classic.”

“I get the ‘corn,’ but what’s the ‘ball’?”

“Ummmm… a ball of lard.”

“Pass. Do you have anything even halfway healthy?”

“Sure, we’ve got the Corndog Warehouse Halfway Healthy Menu.”

“What’s on it?

“Wait, lemme check. Nobody’s ever ordered from it before. Okay… here we go. Salad-on-a-Stick.”

“That sounds tempting. What’s on it?”

“A lettuce leaf, cherry tomato, six croutons, four cheddar cheese chunks and two strips of crispy bacon, all arranged on a stick and then dipped in tangy ranch dressing.”

“Pass. What else’s on the Halfway Healthy menu?”

“Hmmmmm… Yogurt-on-a-Stick…”

“Sounds messy.”

“Yeah, I don’t recommend that one, even though it is non-dairy, ummmm…”

“What’s the Tofu-oot Long Special?”

“We discontinued that after that report that our tofu was actually made of tripe.”

“Ewwwww…”

“But we have started offering Fried Tripe Strips.”

“That’s it then, that’s everything that’s halfway healthy?”

“Well, we still offer our Meatless, Wheatless Eat Less Special.”

“That’s just a corn dog stick, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“All right. Give me two. To go.”

“Would you like fries with that?”


No Reason to be Misérable

I ate ice cream in time gone by,
When weight was high.
To eat was living.
I dreamed that I would never diet.
I dreamed the scale would be forgiving.

Then I was young and not too bright,
And pants were made to be full-waisted.
There were no shirts that weren’t too tight,
And no dessert that went untasted.

Soon the tighter clothes wouldn’t fit.
And with a sound as loud as thunder,
My sweat pants... oh, they ripped apart,
And turned my job interview to shame.

I worked all summer on my weight.
I blogged about the endless wonder
Of putting less food on my plate,
And grew proud of each loss I’d claim.

And now ice cream, it comes to me,
But I can live my life without it.
There’re more important things, you see.
I will stay fit–I do not doubt it.

I have a dream my life will be,
So different from that hell I was living.
So different now from what it seemed,
Now that I don’t scream for ice cream.

x

Bloggin' On My Noggin

Weekly weigh-in: 214.5
Loss: -.7
Total loss: 77.0 lbs.
Emotion: Steady As She Goes

I don’t have a whole lotta pontificating to do about this week. I ate well. I exercised every day. My glass was half full… of awesomeness.

And speaking of awesome, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit tripped 500 followers this weekend. I’m totally blown away by the support you people give me for what I do. The fact that you visit as frequently as you do, that you often share a link to my blog with your readers and the fact that so many of you leave such witty, heartfelt and supportive comments… well, it makes me happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

I write this blog as much to amuse myself as to amuse you, as much to make me think as to make you think. But I’ve been doing some hard thinking about this space over the past couple of weeks, trying to decide exactly where I want to go with this blog now that the heavy lifting has been done on the weight-loss front. I would proclaim that I’ve said everything I know to say about this journey, but truthfully… I did that during my first few weeks. All I’ve been doing is saying the same things over and over…

• Eat less.
• Eat healthier.
• Exercise more.

If you go back over my blog, you’ll find those same themes repeated ad nauseum. I try to find new and different ways of saying the same things, but make no mistake about it, I pretty much say the same thing over and over. That’s okay though, they’re pretty important things that bear repeating.

One of the things I’ve given a great deal of thought to recently is the mix of posts. Right now, I do some serious, some goofy, some really goofy and some really incredibly goofy. You’d think that the positive feedback I receive from the serious posts I write would make me shift the tone of this blog to a more no-nonsense one. The truth of the matter is that those posts can just wipe me out. They take five times longer to write and they just drain me emotionally sometimes.

I also like to think that most of my readers come back so often because… dammit, this journey is hard enough without being all mopey about it all the time. It’s okay to laugh a little as we try to improve ourselves. It’s okay for us to call ourselves “lardass,” even if we don’t appreciate it from others.

Anyway, I’d be curious to hear any thoughts you might have on the subject. I realize that this is “my” blog and I can do whatever the hell I want to do, but I’m writing this crapola for you too, so I want you to show a little ownership.

Where do I go from here?

x

You Arrrrre Gettttting Verrrrrrry Sleeeeeeeepy…

Your eyelids are gettttttinng verrrrrry heeeeeavvvvvvy…

Now take a deep breath ... exhale ... and relax .... you have no place else to be ... nothing else to do ... just sit back, relax and let go completely ... you are here to lose weight… to become healthier ... so just relx... sit back ... relax ... and allow yourself to accept all these suggestions ...

• From this very moment on, you no longer have the urge to overeat or to endlessly snack between meals. Healthy, well-balanced meals satisfy your appetite ....
• Rich, creamy foods, sweet treats, sugary drinks… they simply no longer appeal to you. Healthy foods taste better, and better yet, they fill you up.
• You have an insatiable thirst for water, moreso than you have ever had before… you find yourself downing a glass before each meal. Clear, refreshing water tastes great to you now... you find yourself craving it more and more as each day passes ...
• You will s-l-o-o-o-o-w down with your eating… you will chew your food thoroughly, perhaps even putting your fork down every once in a while. And once you quit eating like a speed demon, you find that you’re digesting your food more efficiently and you’re becoming full, even though you have eaten much less than before.
• From now on, when you do snack it will be on healthy items ... no longer will sweets or unhealthy highly processed foods appeal to you. You will search out healthy foods and allow them to satisfy your cravings.
• You will lose your weight slowly and steadily, not in such a rapid-fire fashion as it will do your body harm. You will find that you have more energy, a pep in your step, in you will. And you will put that extra energy to good use by increasing your exercise when and where you can. Everything you do will become easier … and you will want to do more each and every day to keep this ball rolling.
• You will no longer eat due to stress, due to boredom, due to the desire to be entertained. No longer will you eat because you are tense, nervous, out of sorts or frustrated. You are done with negative eating.
• It’s time to imagine yourself at your goal weight, calm, cool and confident. You are wearing clothes that flatter your improved physique, standing up straight and tall. You feel like a new person and have a new-found swagger about you. Get that image clear in your head, because this is the “goal” you. How much do you weigh? It’s not a huge concern, to tell the truth. You feel wonderful, you look fantastic. You can reach this weight comfortably, you can make this life happen for yourself. This is you, this is your goal ... this is what you will become if you follow all of these instructions, exactly as I have given them to you ...
• Oh yeah… and when you hear a train whistle, you will hoot like a monkey and have an uncontrollable desire to remove your shoes and socks and draw on the soles of your feet with a Sharpee.

When I snap my fingers you will wake up, and won’t remember having come to my blog today.

Oh yeah… and you will leave me a witty comment.

*SNAP*

x

I’m Sorry, Eminem

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.

Ahem.. excuse me!
Can you please put down that bagel for one second?

Hi kids! Do you like parodies?
Wanna see me take weight loss and Eminem and marry these?
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
Get rid of yo fatted-up ass? Stick with me, kid.
You can drop this weight, get your life and head straight,
But you gotta figure out how to spice up this fat life you hate.
And Dr. Geoff said, “Slim Sh*tty you just aced it.”
Uh-uhhh! “You made it happen, man. You didn’t waste it!”

Well, since this spring, I've felt like I'm someone else.
No longer my original self, the big-ass with the too-small belt.
Finally got pissed off enough to work my man-tits off.
Put on my swim clothes and stroked it like Hasselhoff.
I eat a half-pound of wheat grass and work my ass.
Do I really want this? Hey, does the Pope pass gas?

C'mere, chub! (Sh*tty, wait a minute, that's mean, dawg!)
I don't give a f*ck, God wants me to get this weight off!

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty
Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty

You tell me I’m done, but you just don’t understand.
Me? I’m planning my Spring Break trip to Onederland.
Yeah, I still wanna lose the most, sir. Clothes get a lil looser
Before I get off this weight-loss roller coaster (Wheeeeeeeee!)
Walk into Eddie Bauer, try on pants for half an hour,
Show my wife Anita all my new clothes and wow her.
It’s unbelievable, virtually inconceivable.
If I can do this, I tell ya, anything’s achievable.
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was too wide, too.
But now nobody wants good health more than I do.

Now my goal’s to be a fit and famous blogger.
Maybe even run a 5K one day…yeah, I’ll be a jogger.
And this blog’ll blow up and attract even more followers,
And we’ll try to turn around a few more donut swallowers.
So I’ll keep bringin’ it, keep trying to raise the roof, ya’ll
You do your part and support your favorite fitness goofball.

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.
Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.

Stop the tape! Fat kid needs the snacks locked away!
Dr. Geoff, don't just email me, COOPERATE!
Not ready to start yet, is it too scary to diet?
Haven’t got much to say, but I’m too noisy to stay quiet.
Give folks advice? Hell, yeah–I’ll try it.
Feel like you're flounderin’, seem like you’re strayin’?
No clue at all on your next weigh-in?
It’s time to get serious, if you know what I’m sayin’
I’m screamin’ at you like Glenn Beck at Obama.
You don’t like me yellin’ but somebody’s gotta stop the drama.
I may use laughter, too, but I’m gonna stay after you.
We’re gonna get you fit. And if you think I’m gonna quit,
YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SH*T!
I lay awake and write blog posts in my head,
Hoping you get something outta the words I’ve said.
I'm steaming mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way, when you see my dad, Horace?
Tell him I’m the one that backed into his Ford Taurus.

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.
Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [chicachica] Slim Sh*tty.

x

A Heart-to-Art Talk

About six months ago, I was dragging my hefty self down the home stretch of a mile-and-a half walk around the block when my portly, nearly deaf neighbor Art Deco waved me down (that’s not his real name, by the way; his real name is Arthur Deco).

“JACKIE,” he bellowed over the droning of his leaf blower (Art’s got a thing about leaves touching his lawn, so he blows them over to my yard). “YOU TRYIN’ TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT?”

“Geez, Art,” I frowned, putting my index finger up to my mouth. “We don’t need to announce it to the entire neighborhood…”

“I NEED TO DROP A FEW POUNDS, TOO,” he exclaimed, patting his own extended mid-section.

“Great,” I told him. “We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first.”

“GREAT!” smiled Art. “I’LL RIDE WITH YOU.”

In the days that followed, I invited him on walks, told him about all the wild and crazy smoothies I was making and clued him in on a senior special the gym I had just joined was offering, but Art wasn’t interested in any of that.

“I’M NOT PAYING FOR SOME FANCY-SCHMANCY GYM,” Art told me one afternoon.

A couple of months passed and Art stopped me on the street again.

“JACKIE, YOU’RE LOSING WEIGHT, SON.”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “That was kind of the idea, Art. Except I thought that you were gonna do this with me.”

“I TRIED THAT SUBWAY DIET FOR A WEEK–YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT JARED GUY,” Art said. “BUT I WOUND UP GAINING TEN POUNDS. TEN POUNDS! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?”

“THAT DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT,” I said, before catching myself. “I mean, that doesn’t sound right.”

“I DON’T KNOW,” Art shook his head. “I HAD ONE SIX-FOOT SUB SANDWICH EVERY DAY FOR LUNCH.”

“Ahhhhhh,” I nodded. “I think I may see the problem. Well, c’mon. We’ll try again. I’ll help…”

“MAYBE AFTER THE FOURTH OF JULY,” he told me. “WE’RE HAVING A BIG COOKOUT WITH THE GRANDKIDS.”

I shrugged and returned home. Things got kind of busy, and I didn’t talk to Art for a couple of months.

“JACKIE,” he smiled. “YOU’RE WASTIN’ AWAY TO NOTHIN’.”

“Yeah, Art,” I told him. “This program I’m on is really working. The sooner we get you started, the sooner you can drop those pounds, too.”

“OH,” exclaimed Art. “IT’S EASIER FOR SOME FOLKS THAN IT IS FOR OTHERS, JACKIE.”

So here I am, 75 pounds down and believing in my own future. What Art doesn’t understand is that this journey isn’t easy for me, isn’t easy for anybody I know. It’s day after day of dedication, of good choices, of hard work.

For people who believe in themselves, the hard road becomes less difficult. For the ones who don’t believe, the difficult road becomes impossible.

Six Months Down, Forever To Go

After revealing my before-and-after pics last week, I’ve had quite a few people inform me that “you’re done.” My mom Shirley started singing this refrain ten pounds ago actually.

Done.

Finished.

Kaput.

That might actually be the truth, too. This week marks six full, life-changing months for me, and I’ll admit that I may really be done with the serious weight-loss portion of this program. However…

History (and keep in mind, all I have to go by here is history) tells me that the moment I drop the ball, the minute I shift my focus to other things, the weight is going to slowly creep back on. It’ll start with small things, small choices.

I’ll skip this week’s weigh-in because I went out and had a few too many last night.

I’ll quietly put away a pair of jeans that’ve gotten too snug (I never throw them away though; after all, hope springs eternal).

I’ll grab a donut from the break room because, hey, free donuts!

It may take weeks or it may take months, but I’ll essentially wind up inexplicably sabatoging all the good work I’ve done here.

That’s not me talking, by the way. That’s history.

But here’s the thing: my approach this time has been so radically different than it’s ever been before. I’ve never felt like I was on a diet, and that’s part of the reason that I’m not so sure I’m through losing.

I’ve never counted calories, though I have a good idea of what I consume over the course of a day. It’s not that I don’t think counting calories or tallying points or tracking food aren’t all workable ideas. It’s just not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and that’s what I was looking for: something I could honestly and truly live with.

What I did early on was formulate a set of rules that would guide me on this trek. At the beginning, they were stricter, more specific. The “Don’ts”, if you will…

• Don’t eat anything purchased from a vending machine.
• Don’t eat while you’re driving.
• Don’t eat while you’re watching TV.
• Don’t buy food at gas stations.
• Don’t eat fast food.
• Don’t eat chips.
• Don’t drink sodas.
• Don’t eat after dinner.

The strictness of these rules helped me stay on the straight and narrow when my determination was wavering and my will was weak. As I became smaller, these guidelines became bigger, broader, more complex yet more flexible. The “Don’ts” were replaced with grander ideas that reflected the bigger picture.

• Think about what you’re eating and why you’re eating it.
• Slow down… appreciate your meal.
• Prepare it yourself and control what you consume.
• Eating out should be the exception to the rule instead of the rule.
• Sometimes you need to listen to your body… and sometimes your body needs to listen to you.

If you really, honest-to-God commit yourself to this weight-loss journey, I think you’ll find that it changes over time. And it changes you over time. Yes, yes, you lose some pounds and some inches, but you gain something substantial along the way as well.

I have a deeper appreciation for my own capabilities these days, a deeper pride in myself and what I can accomplish in the future. Escaping from that fat suit made me realize that I can really go places if I don’t hold myself back.

This weight can be… check that… this weight is an anchor that will pull you down, make you less than you can be. Even if your friends and family all lovingly accept you just the way you are, you’ll never really and truly accept yourself (at least most of us can’t or won’t). It’s simple: you can be better, and you know you can be better.

I hope you’ll embrace this idea that you’re on the path to a better life. Whatever tools you use… low carb, calorie counting, long-distance running, lap band… whatever the tools, remember that the real key to the deal is to find a lifestyle that you can live with and start living with it.

Start living with it.

Me? I’m just getting started.

x