Health Tips for Healthy Peeps

• It’s a good idea to eat less than 125% of your meal.

• When you get something stuck in your eye, resist the urge to get it out with a power washer.

• The easiest way to keep from suffering menstrual cramps is to be a man.

• Putting one-third cup of half-and-half in your morning coffee instead of an entire cup of half-and-half will save you over 200 calories.

• Use the time spent in the car to develop strong gluteus maximus muscles by steering with your butt cheeks.

• If you’d like a snack packed with fiber and water, try either an apple or a bag of fiber-water.

• You can easily transform a chair into an elliptical by going to Hogwart’s School of Magic and studying Transfiguration.

• You can save a considerable amount of calories by blotting your pizza slice with a napkin and then eating the napkin instead of the pizza.

• Whipped butter cuts 50% of the calories of regular stick butter, and imaginary butter cuts 100% of the calories of whipped butter.

• Taking the stairs for a total of just two minutes, five days a week, 52 weeks a year, for 50 years, gives you the same calorie-burning results as a 364,000-minute walk.

Bully for You

Give me your lunch money.

I’m serious, give it to me now or I will punch you in the neck.

I’ve tried humoring you, tried inspiring you, tried pushing you.

Now, I’m resorting to bullying to get you to do better with this losing weight/living healthier poopah.

I am your belly bully.

Give me your lunch money.

You’d just spend it on some fast-food combo meal deal anyway.

Fork it over.

You might squander it at one of those squirt-it-yourself, add-your-own-topping, “What-do-you-mean-fourteen-dollars-for-a-cup?” frozen yogurt joints.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

It takes a big man to… ummmm… well, be a bully, but I’m a big man and I have years of practice from Kindergarten until somebody caught up with me in size in 5th grade.

So anyway, give me your lunch money and we won’t have any problems.

And I’m serious about that throat punch.

Grrrrrrr.

More Signs It’s Gonna Be a Bad Weigh-in…

• Starbucks opens new location in your living room


• Lost track of daily Weight Watcher points at 1,000,000

• 
You accidentally poured yourself a tall glass of maple syrup


• Waitress thought you said “side of beef” instead of “side salad”

• 
Realized you’ve been brushing your teeth with a tube of frosting all week


• That 10K run you did every day no longer so impressive since you realized that you’ve mixed up “kilometers” and “millimeters” again


•  Somebody brought donuts to the office... then held you down and forced you to eat a half dozen

• You were a guest at a dinner party at Paula Deen's house


• You had birthday cake six days this week (three days at birthday parties and three days when you were just really hungry for birthday cake)


• Scale showing 10 lbs before you even step on


• You ate black cat for dinner last night

If this wasn't enough Sh*t for you today,
check out my guest post over at
Dr. Fitness & The Fat Guy.