Welcome to the Mellon Patch

Saturday, January 8, 2011

W.I.D.T.H. Weekend

It's time to say "sayonara" to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday and say "Howdy Do" to my new don't-feel-like-blogging-on-Saturday feature... "Weekend W.I.D.T.H."

If you're new to these parts, W.I.D.T.H. stands for "Why I Do This Here" and it's a collection of people expressing (sometimes oh-so creatively) their reasons and rationales for trying to lose weight and/or get more healthy.

So each Saturday, I'll post whatever W.I.D.T.H. contributions I get during the week; if I don't get any, I'll re-post some of the hundreds I've already received since I first started running them.

Needless to say, this will be more fun if you'll get off your duff and send me your W.I.D.T.H. note asap. Jot down your answer on a card, a scrap of paper, your hand... and find some way to electronically deliver it to

Chicky@Wanna Be Thin

Mrs. D@In Pursuit

Colleen@Bee Fit

Princess Dieter@Two Years to Happy Weight After

Kimberly@The Woman Inside Me

Friday, January 7, 2011

Something Sounds Fishy About This...

I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing electronic gizmo that can be instrumental in your fitness goals so long as you don't keep putting it in the clothes dryer. The most amazing feature of the DirectLife device is that it comes complete with a lifeline to your own DirectLife personal coach who provides you with fantastic information (or computer viruses... I'm too scared to open email attachments) and encouragement as you make your way on your journey.

Hi Jack,

I hope that you have had wonderful new years celebrations and a fantastic time with family and friends over the holidays. I see that you were in touch with Erin and the support team over the holidays - I hope you do receive your new monitor soon and I look forward to working with you again!

Do you have any specific goals for 2011? Your weight target is now past the goal date - do you want to revisit this?

Jen

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

Let me tell you a story, the story of a little boy.

This little boy went up to his Grandpa Noah and said he really wanted some fish sticks.

“If I give you fish sticks, you’ll be happy for today,” said Grandpa Noah. “But tomorrow you’ll be hungry again.”

“So are you gonna teach me to fish, Grandpa?” I asked.

“Better than that,” the old man replied. “I’m going to buy you a fish restaurant.”

Well, the old man was true to his word and bought that little boy a Captain D’s franchise, and the boy got his fish sticks, plus he learned a valuable lesson about life and about how you can’t just give fish sticks away to all the customers and expect to turn the kind of profit that a fast-food franchise needs in order to stay in business.

The point of my story? Who the hell said my story was gonna have a point?

I guess I’m just trying to say that my goals haven’t changed, my commitment to building on what I’ve accomplished already hasn’t changed and my vow to become the most active man in the U.S. of A. sure as Hell hasn’t changed.

Stand back, DirectLife Coach Jen… because 2011 is gonna be the year the Jack Sh*t Express really gets rolling! WOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Happy New Year,

Jack

.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

That Voodoo That I Do

One of my Facebook friends (and by “friend,” I mean “person I've never met, talked to or know in any conceivable sense of the word”) has been rattling my cage about what “program” I'm using.  Calling what I do a “program” kind of diminishes the word, much the same way Facebook diminishes the word “friend”.  

You see, I'm bad with rules, too unorganized for a lot of structure and too scatter-brained to keep track of everything I do.  When I finally got serious about this healthy living bushwah, I knew I'd have to implement big changes in my life. However, I knew it’d have to be changes that I could actually live with.

I knew I wasn’t a calorie-counter or a meeting go-to-er… well, maybe I could be a calorie counter or a meeting go-to-er, but I couldn’t do it for the long term. And isn’t the long term what it’s all about anyway?

So in the interest of edumacating you about what’s worked for me, here are the three principles of my “program”…

Eat a little less. And by eating a little less, I mean “don’t eat quite so much”. And by “don’t eat so much,” I mean “eat less food than you probably think you ought to eat”. I’m sorry to get all technical, but it’s an important part of losing weight.

Eat a little healthier. Maybe there was a time when you were like I was, just glanced at calories or whether something was labeled “low-fat” or not. I learned over time that what you put in your mouth was just as important as the quantity.

Exercise a little more. I suppose you can lose weight without exercise, though I honestly believe that it’ll be so slow going that you’ll lose your steam before you get too far. Exercise raises your metabolism and helps you manage stress and some of the other factors that lead many of us to overeat. Most of all (for me anyway) exercise tends to create a connection between calories consumed and calories burned; when I see a donut on the break room table, I don’t see a delicious pastry; I see 45 minutes of running on the treadmill. And no donut is worth 45 minutes of running on the treadmill.

That’s it. Simple, huh? Every day isn’t perfectly on plan, but I have more good days than not. And the proof is in the sugar-free, fat-free pudding.

For me, it’s all about finding a lifestyle you feel like you can live with… and then start living with it.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

True Sh*t

Stirring cowboy music fills the room...

My name is Fattie Ross and I want to tell you a story, a story about poor choices and revenge, obesity and redemption.

It started with my pa, who was bed-ridden with diabetes and other obesity-related illnesses.

I went to town to hunt down the one man who I reckoned could help my pa... Blueben “Booster” Blogburn.

Luckily, I found him in the town's only building, the saloon/general store/pilates studio.

After laying out my poor daddy's situation, I asked Blogburn if he figured he could help.

“Tell me somethin', little girl.” “Does your pa have Internet access?” asked Blogburn, grittily.

“This is the Old West, dumbass,” I replied, and that... well, that was when all Hell broke loose.

“Pisa Sh*t!” said Jack. “How many times have I told you about using the "D" word.”

“Diarrea?”

“Okay, we're gonna have to take this entire production from the top,” said my dad. “Cue the stirring cowboy music...”

“Wait a minute, Dad,” I said. “It's a brand new year and there are a bunch of people coming to this site for the first time. They're looking for a little help getting going on their weight-losing dealios.”

“Well, yeah, but...”

“You need to get back to providing useful information, helpful tips or just tell folks about how you lost all that weight.”

“Yeah,” my father exclaimed with that wild-eyed grin of his. “And I know just what we can call it...”

“Dad, please... don't...”

"True Sh*t!” he yelled, following it with a throaty yodel.

“Geez,” I said under my breath. “What a dumbass...”

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Things That Might Make You Give Up On Your Resolutions

Stock market plunges; MSNBC blames your resolutions specifically
BFF texts you and says your resolutions are “dorky”
Turns out most of your resolutions defy laws of physics
Spill coffee all over your list; what's that say... “Quit drumking coffurk”... What the hell does that mean?
Conspiracy at highest levels of government
Didn't want to break your perfect record of resolution failure
Confusion about whether or not this is a “Leap Year”
Shouldn't have written resolutions on sand with a stick at the beach
Realize that letters of “resolution” can be rearranged to spell “loonies rut”
Resolution #1: give up on all other resolutions (hey, at least you achieved success with one resolution)
You're not feeling very resolutiony

Monday, January 3, 2011

Welcome to New Jack City

If you’re new to these parts, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is a portal where you’ll find fantastic healthy recipes, trainer-approved workout plans and inspirational messages to help you on your healthy living journey.

Nah, I’m just yanking your chain… it’s more likely you’ll find kooky lists, dumb weight-loss song parodies and me dancing and prancing and doing anything and everything I can to help lighten the mood while we’re all lightening, rightening and tightening ourselves.

If you’re not happy with who’s staring back at you in the mirror or what number your miserable b*tch of a scale is flashing up a you, believe me when I say that I know where you’re coming from.

But also trust me when I say that it’s not a lost cause, that you can actually make lasting, positive change in your lifestyle and your life.

And believe me when I say this: if you think losing weight is impossible, well… you don’t know Jack Sh*t.

I’ve lost 75 or so pounds over the past year and a half, and I still consider myself a work in progress. I’m proud of what I’ve managed to accomplish, but I have miles to go before I sleep…

When I’m not acting a fool up in here, I’ll be sharing tales from my own personal weight-loss and healthy living safari. And with my “Bodfather” series, I’ll be chronicling the tales of others who are losing like crazy. I even hope to share some more W.I.D.T.H. (“Why I Do This Here”) posts with you, as readers send in their photos sharing why they’re on this health-and-wellness kick.

If you’re here today, chances are you want to better your life and better yourself. I may not be the one who can provide the tools to help you make that happen, but I can tell you that I’ll be there every step of the way with you. What you’re going through, I’m going through.

Me and you. Let’s do this thang!

.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Starting the Year W.I.D.T.H. a Bang!

How much easier this whole weight loss/healthy living thing is when you know... when you really know in your heart... why it is you're doing it. That's what this W.I.D.T.H. (Why I Do This Here) business is all about. I ask readers to think it over and share their own reasons for doing what they're doing.

But it only works when people play along, so play along! Jot down your answer on a card, a scrap of paper, your hand... and find some way to electronically deliver it to