Doze Were The Days

I can’t come by and sing you a lovely lullabye with my sweet, soothing voice, but I can offer you some useful tips to help you get a better night’s sleep. Sweet dreams!

• Turn off any sirens that may be going off in your bedroom.

• Some foods may help you fall asleep easier, including cereal, hummus or an Ambien sandwich.

• Getting in a little gentle, restorative yoga before you hit the sack can help put your mind at ease, steady your breath and remind you just how much you hate yoga.

• Don’t bring your electronics to bed, including smartphones, tablets and daiquiri-makers.

• Paint your bedroom wall a tranquil color and do not choose a wallpaper that features giant scary monsters.

• Try not to have a selfish spouse like I do; on cold nights, she always pushes all the quilts over onto my side of the bed. 

• Avoid alcohol at night unless you’re celebrating a special occasion such as a birthday, anniversary or you somehow managed to keep your kids alive another day.

Sometimes songs can get in your head, so don’t think about catchy songs like that “Cotton-Eyed Joe” one right before bedtime. You remember: “If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?” NOW DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT ANY MORE!

  • Getting in sync with your body’s natural sleep-wake cycle—your circadian rhythm—is one of the most important strategies for achieving if it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, 
I'd been married long time ago.
Where did you come from? Where did you go?
 Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? DAMMIT!

Tips for Getting More Sleep

• Change into pajamas on your drive home from school or work.

• Keep a giant wooden mallet on your nightstand and give yourself a stiff konk on the head at bedtime, just hard enough to knock yourself out but not so hard that you do serious damage.

• Eat supper in bed.

• Fix yourself a steaming cup of herbal NyQuil.

• Use a really comfortable pillow dipped in chloroform.

• If you’re using a vertical mattress, try switching to a horizontal one.

• Quit brushing your teeth with Red Bull.

• Keep your bedroom quiet, dark, and comfortable instead of loud, bright and uncomfortable.

• Cut out at least one of your after-dinner naps.

• Read the guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation… talk about boooooring.

• Visualize something restful, such as sheep taking a bath in warm milk.

• The amino acid tryptophan is a natural sedative, so eat three or four turkey legs right before bedtime.