Wicked Britches

I am haunted by fat pants.

Hibernating on the top shelf on my closet.

Laid to rest in a large Tupperware tomb deep within my attic.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Besides having no style, fat pants have no mercy, no memory, no pride.

Their elastic waistbands whisper: “We’ll take you as you are.”

Their oversized seat assures: “We’ll always be here for you.”

In the past, I have ditched britches as fast as I could lay claim to a smaller size. I thought I was burning the bridge behind me, but should have realized that the world is full of bridges, and crossing the gap back to those fat pants is as easy as… well… pie.

I’ve lost roughly 70 pounds in the last two years, but I’ve kept a most of those fat pants close by. I don’t hold on to them as a denim-and-khaki safety net, mind you; I keep them to provide a healthy dose of fear and reality to the task at hand.

I keep them as a constant reminder that what I do is a choice.

I can eat healthy and exercise… and wear the pants I have on right now.

I can stray from my purpose and my plan and revisit the ghosts of my past.

And my pants.

I'm Sorry, Lady Gaga

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Distraught in my big fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Distraught in my big fat pants.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
We've all had bad fat pants.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
We've all had bad fat pants.

I was too chubby,
I was too portly.
I would eat everything.
Once ate potpourri.
I wanted food.
Food-food-food.
I wanted food.

I wanted drumsticks,
A touch of gravy.
I wanted something fried from KFC.
I wanted food.
Food-food-food.
I wanted food.

You know that I want health.
And you know that I need health.
Cuz I look so bad in my
Bad fat pants.

I want fitness,
And I want a new life.
You and me, we detest our big fat pants.
I want freedom,
I deserve a new life.
You and me, we despise our big fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Trapped in our fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Crapped in our fat pants.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Let’s get outta those fat pants.

I stopped the horror
With a Blogger design.
Started writing
In a style that’s all mine.
I want to blog.
Blog-blog-blog.
I want to blog.

It may seem psycho,
My juvenile shtick.
I need to keep myself busy,
And this does the trick.
I love to blog.
Blog-blog-blog.
I love to blog.

You know that it’s not easy,
And you know it’s not quick.
To get outta these
Bad fat pants.

I want to exercise,
And I want to get fit.
You and me could get rid of our fat pants.
I want to work out,
And to quit eating sh*t.
You and me could get rid of our fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
I’m losing these big fat pants.


Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Tossin’ these big fat pants.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Why, why big fat pants.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Goodbye big fat pants.

Work-work workout baby.
Work it.
Man, those barbells are heavy.
Work-work faster, baby
Work it
Sez that trainer lady.
Work-work keep pumpin’, baby.
Work it.
I'm a sexy sumb*tch, baby.

I’ve got new purpose,
And I’ve got new ambition.
I’ve got new energy,
I don’t wanna be fat.

J'veux ton amour
et j'veux pommes de terre.
J'veux ton amour
I don’t wanna speak French.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
No fun in my big fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Done with my big fat pants.

I’ve got new purpose,
And I’ve got a new life.
You and me will live without fat pants.
I’ve got new energy,
All my life is renewed
You and me will live without fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Who needs big fat pants.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Can’t believe I wore big fat pants.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah!
GaGa-oo-la-la!
Let’s have no more fat pants.