Things Not To Do At The Farmer’s Market

I recently ran into this article about Things Not to Do at a Farmer’s Market and thought the writer really did a poor job with the tips (mostly because I constantly do all the things she said not to do; how can I see which tomatoes are right for me without giving each and every one of them a little squeeze?).

Now I normally don’t like to tell people how to do their job, BUT, LADY... THIS IS HOW YOU DO YOUR JOB:

• Refrain from making elaborate puppet show with vegetables, even though your “Spongebok Choypants” skit IS hilarious.

• Thumping the watermelon to see if it’s ripe is acceptable; thumping the person at cash register to get her attention is not.

• Don’t take a magic marker and draw nipples on all the cantaloupes.

• If a little old lady is struggling with a heavy load of fruits and vegetables, help her get them into her car before stealing her purse.

• Don’t try to return a seedless watermelon because you found a seed inside; they’re onto that trick!

• None of the vendors really like it when you ask if the price for the vegetables includes a tractor ride around the parking lot.

• They say that the best deals at the farmer’s market happen late in the day, but I do not recommend rolling in at midnight.

• Don’t dress up like a giant ear of corn and strut around saying “Shuck me, baby!” to everyone you meet.

THE DAILY SCALEY

I blame gain on the heavy, heavy tie...

Saturday Morning at the Farmers Market

Jack: Wow, this Farmers Market is so much better than the first one we went to this morning…

Anita: That was a garage sale, dumbass.

Jack: Wow, it’s like we’re in a real farm except the food is up higher so you don’t have to bend over and pick it up.

Anita: Are you gonna act like… ummm… yourself this morning?

Jack: I wonder if they have fresh overalls today…

Anita: Do you feel like some fresh squash for dinner?

Jack: Squash? That’s a terrible name. Squash needs a re-branding campaign.

Anita: Okay… what do you want to call it?

Jack: Hmmm… how about “butter”?

Anita: Don’t you think it would be confusing?

Jack: You never think any of my fantastic ideas are fantastic!

Anita: Besides there’s already butternut squash.

Jack: Butter and nuts… see that’s trying too hard. No food’s gonna succeed tying two distinct flavors like that.

Anita: What about peanut butter?

Jack: Hmmmmmm… you scored a point on that one. What’s the score now?

Anita: Seventy-five million to three.

Jack: I forget. Who’s winning?