You Will Thank Me Later

I'm just not sure that I do enough to help you on this arduous weight-loss journey of yours.

Oh sure... I blog quite a bit, and I try to pass on as much good (and bad) advice as I possibly can.

But I think I can have more of an impact on belping you achieve your goals, and starting today, I'm going to do it! My plan?

• I take a hammer to every snack product in your pantry
• I stand behind you and scream “Fatass!” every time you pick up a piece of candy
• I squirt pepper spray in your face when every time you eat a chimichanga
• I spraypaint your car windows black so you can’t see any fast-food joints while you’re driving around town
• I leave a six-minute voicemail on your cell phone that’s just me repeating “Go to the gym!” over and over
• I give you a wedgie every time you start to eat cheese
• I carry around my “lucky funnel” for when you forget to drink your water
• I padlock your fridge every night at 8 p.m.
• I host a “Oreo intervention” for you and invite all your friends and co-workers
• I sit in the back seat and sing “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am… Henry the Eighth, I am, I am…” whenever you eat in the car
• I slam my grocery cart into your grocery cart every time you try to buy cookies
• I call the pizza place where you just ordered delivery and ask them to add “toenail clippings” all over the top
• I weld the change slot shut on the vending machine in your office
• I spit in your can of Pepsi
• I replace your ranch dressing with Elmer’s Glue
• Whenever you go three days without blogging, I call you up and blow a whistle into the phone