Do Not Try This At Home

Weekly weigh-in: 229.3
Loss: 7.7 lbs
Total loss: 62.2 lbs.
Emotion: Little bit loco

Since beginning this incredible weight loss journey, I’ve made some substantial changes in my life and my lifestyle. I’ve sh*t-canned my diet soda addiction, creamed my coffee habit and tried my best to eat smarter, eat healthier and eat less.

More than a “diet,” I’ve been trying to make some sensible changes in my life that will promote my health while bringing my weight back to a more reasonable range. Build some good habits and behavior that will let me go forward confidently into the future without the worry that I’m going to wake up back in Obese City.

But this week, I experimented.

This week, I dieted.

I wanted to see what a *perfect* week would translate to on the scales. Turns out, it’s spectacular, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to live like I lived this past week.

My radar was set on “super-sensitive” all week. I examined every morsel, calculated every calorie. I craftily navigated through events such as a pizza party and office celebration. I made lame-o excuses to get out of multiple dinner invitations and a Friday night neighborhood block party. I had a force-field up and was prepared to deflect anything that came my way.

I fired up the intensity of my workouts, pushing myself until I was slinging sweat like an out-of-control lawn sprinkler. I pushed myself each and every day, leaving just enough in the tank to stagger back to the showers. I lied to myself, promising my weary body a “day off” tomorrow, knowing full well that that wasn’t going to happen, not on a week where we were settling for nothing less than *perfect*.

I put my hunger in a cage and poked it with a stick. I embraced that rumbling stomach and glorified in those meaty growls. As I write this, I fully realize that it would not be that difficult to slip past the line of common sense with this business. It’s almost an obsession itself, this crazy desire to drop the pounds. I know people cross that line all the time, and after this week, I think I can see why: there is a savage attraction that is hard to deny.

I have lost 60+ pounds now, and while I’m not done losing, I am done with seeking perfection. It’s not healthy for your head, and I suspect it’s not healthy for the rest of you in the long run. That kind of perfection is fool’s gold, and I’m looking for something much more valuable than that: a healthy lifestyle that I can life with.

Life Lessons From My Dad, Horace

There’s one thing you can say about Horace Sh*t: there’s nothing he likes better than to to than sit around and tell you stuff. He’ll tell you about the what things used to be. He’ll tell you about the way things ought to be. He’ll tell you all about Life, and when he’s done he’ll tell you a few more things. He’s got an old saying for just about every occasion that you can imagine. Some of them even make sense. Not these though…

• “Close only counts in hand shoes and horse grenades.”
• “Always look straight ahead…even when crossing the street.”
• “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you more difficult to insure.”
• “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him put on a bathing suit.”
• “No one keeps a secret so well as a child, but that doesn’t mean you need to tell 'em abut your trunk of pornography.”
• “If at first you don't succeed, carry a big stick.”
• “Experience is the best teacher, but that Miss Cromwell in English Lit is a real close second.”
• “Iron while the iron’s hot.”
• “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.”
• “When you’re jump-starting a car, the cables always go positive to positive…or maybe it’s they never go positive to positive. It’s one or the other.”
• “You can’t buy happiness, but nobody’s just giving away big-screen TVs either.”
• “Dr. Phil says ‘Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.’ And that’s the reason for the strip-a-gram.”
• “Great minds think like me.”
• “Feed a cold, starve a fever, strangle a sore throat, pinch a sinus infection, tease a stomach ache and b*tch-slap a charley horse.”
• “Do not be caught red-handed, flat-footed, flat-handed or red-footed.”
• “Faint heart never won a fair lady, but chicks dig the sideburns.”
• “Follow your dreams, but don’t get all crazy about it.”
• “Always finish what you start, and never, ever…”
• “Always be positive, Lard-Ass.”

And while I have your attention...

While I greatly enjoy comments on my blog (who doesn't?), my post yesterday wasn't an attempt to needle folks into commenting more here or trying to make people feel bad for not commenting on every post. I get more than my share of attention; I'd be perfectly content with you dropping me a note every once in a while and sharing the love with a few other bloggers. They all deserve your support...

Giving & Gaining

At the end of the day, this trek that we’re on is a lonely one. It’s just you and that smiling chubby goofball in the mirror, and the days can get kind of long and tedious if you’re staying on plan (and long and irksome if you find yourself straying).

I’m getting a little depressing, I know. Most of you just wander over here to get your daily yuk-yuk. Okay, here’s a stupid joke break: A flasher walks by two old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself. One of the old ladies has a stroke… the other one can’t quite reach it.

Alrighty then… back to the topic at hand: this can be a lonely road. Even your best efforts may not yield the results you want when you want them. Friends and family may not always understand the why’s and wherefore’s of what you’re attempting to do. They may not always provide the feedback and emotional support you want, you need, you absolutely crave.

I’m going to pass on some more good advice that you already know: be sure and help others along the way.

Pay compliments. You know how much they mean to you, those honest, out-of-the-blue positive sentiments. If you notice that someone you run across has lost weight, pipe up and say something. I promise you that there’re very few people who will take a sincere “You look great…are you losing weight?” comment in the wrong way. Say it… you’ll make two people feel better.

Leave comments on blogs. You know they make your day. Make everybody else’s day, too. For a while there, I was posting twice a day (at least). After recognizing that those little leave-behinds folks were cramming beneath my posts were doing such a terrific job of lifting my spirits, I decided that that second post time would be better spent bouncing around and leaving comments for as many others as I could. Leave comments… you can start right here, right now if you’d like.

Give good advice. You’ve learned plenty on this twisty journey. Pass on what’s worked, tell others what hasn’t. Share tips on effective exercises or recipes for kick-ass chili. Let the world know what experience has taught you. Don’t take it for granted that everyone already knows what you know. For one thing, they don’t. For another, it never hurts to get a refresher. No one is obliged to take your advice, but having it out there gives others new ideas and new tools for their own weight loss efforts.

Kick a little ass. Tough love is almost a taboo subject in our little weight loss blogging world. I wish it wasn’t, because I see so many people that are crying out for it. They’re making a half-hearted efforts and whining about how little scale-love they got this week, p*ssing around when they should be pushing forward. If you’ve got the heart and the intestinal fortitude, administer a little tough love when the situation warrants.

All this giving and giving and giving can be draining and time-consuming, but it’s what makes this weight loss blogging adventure so effective, so invigorating, so essential. Anybody that's been on this path for any length of time knows that not every victory is on the scale.

Give, and keep giving because what you’ll get back in return is simply extraordinary.

Ways Losing Weight is Like Disney World

Summer’s winding down, and folks are getting in those last vacations before the back-to-school grind kicks in. Truthfully, I’ve never, ever been to Disney World (I convinced my children it was a myth), but I’ve heard so many people talk about going that I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what it’s all about. From what I gather, going there is a lot like a successful weight loss journey…

• You find yourself among an odd assortment of characters
• It will absolutely wear you out
• You know you’re gonna wind up on a rollercoaster
• There’s a big crowd of people all in the same place as you
• You’ll often find yourself stuck in one place and not moving at all
• You should take a lot of photos to remind you of your trip
• It’s a great thing to do for your kids
• A solid plan will make the journey more successful
• It’s something the whole family can do
• It’ll make you feel young again
• Some folks have to come back over and over
• Insert your own “It’s a Small World” joke here
• There’s something magical about it
• When you tell people what you’re doing, everybody’s got advice for you
• Eating what you want will cost you plenty
• You’re excited to get started, but you’re even happier when it’s over

Born to be Wide

Is this the body you were destined to live with, the life you were meant to live?

There are an unfortunate few whom have truly gotten dealt an unplayable hand. To those folks, all I can say is that I hope your Creator graced you with a good sense of humor and a supportive group of family and friends.

To the rest of us, I say “What’re you waiting for?” An invitation? Okay, here it is: you are cordially invited to reclaim your health and your life. And you have everything within you needed to make this journey a successful one.

It will take smarts.

Your brains are your most valuable tool in this weight loss battle. Use them to make better choices. Use them to organize your days and make keeping yourself motivated and moving a top priority. You’re a smart cookie… use that awesome brain to bend your badly behaving body to its will.

It will take effort.

Climbing back on the wagon every couple of weeks isn’t nearly enough exercise for you to make appreciable strides down this path. Find something… walking, biking, exercise DVD routine, gym, swimming…find something that you can do regularly and start doing it. When it quits being hard, push yourself a little more. This is the challenging part of the program, but it’s not harder than you can manage.

It will take time.

To me, this is both the easiest and most difficult part of the equation. I want instant gratification, and I want it now. I want to look into the mirror tomorrow and see the body that I see in my mind’s eye. I want this fat gone yesterday, even though I realize that I put it on with years of doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. But here’s the thing: days, weeks, months… they all fly by.

Sometimes I get the feeling that quite a few people look at successful weight losers much the same way as they view lottery winners. They see them as lucky, random individuals who just happen to be the right place at the right time. Good genes, workhorse metabolism, something that’s outside of the control of plain folks like you or me.

I don’t believe this to be the case.

I believe we make our own destinies. I believe we make our own future. I believe we make our own incredibly lame clichés about losing weight. But it doesn’t matter what you or I believe. It matters only that we have the drive and desire to make our tomorrows our own.

It is in us to this, folks. It’s in you. It’s in me.

We’ve got the brains, the want-to and the time to take this journey all the way home.

Who’s with me?

Phrases I've Never Uttered

• “That looks delicious, but no thank you.”
• “Beer? No, I’m cutting back.”
• “No, I wouldn’t care for a taste. I just enjoy watching you eat that sundae.”
• “Can you bring me a half-portion?”
• “Let’s say we not order a pizza.”
• “More bread? I couldn’t.”
• “We’d better not; you know I can’t control myself at Mexican restaurants.”
• “Buffet? Boo!”
• “That’s too high in sodium for me.”
• “That salad could be a meal in itself. As a matter of fact…”
• “No, thanks. I don’t eat at the movies.”
• “More cottage cheese, please.”
• “Nah, that’s not on my diet.”
• “Donut? Uh uh…no way.”
• “Y’know, boiled okra is just as good as fried okra.”
• “I can’t finish this.”
• “Do you have anything besides chips and dip?”
• “That’s a little too rich for me.”
• “Sure, I’d love another rice cake.”
• “No chocolate for me, thanks.”
• “Do you have sugar-free maple syrup?”
• “Mmmmmmm… now that’s good celery!”

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Y’know, there’s such a wide range of insults for overweight individuals. Let’s see.. there’s Fatso, Fatty, Fatass. Jellybelly, Beer Belly, Buddha Belly. Lardass, Chubby and Flabula. I could go on and on…

In fact, I think I will: the Blob, the Human Eclipse, Chunkmeister, Thunder Thighs, Buffalo Butt, Rolly-polly, Two-ton, Butterball, Big Mac, Blubberbutt, BiscuitButt, Chair-Crusher, Husky, Jelly Roll, Jiggles, Lard Lad, Lord of the Fries, Lumpy, McFatterson, Manitee, Muffin Top, Pork Butt, Pudgy, Rumpapotimus, Sasquatch, Slop Gobbler and Snuffleupagus.

Hmmmm… there’s Count Fatula, Crisco Kid, Sumo, Sweat Factory, Triple Chin, Sir Cumference, Dough Boy, Double Wide, Titanic, Tub-O-Lard, Wide Load and the classic Fatty-Fatty, Two-by-Four, Can’t Get Through the Bathroom Door.

But what if you’re skinny? I could only think of two insulting names to call underweight folks: Skinny Minnie and Minnie Skinny.

Now I’m not advocating name-calling, but c’mon, fair’s fair. So in the interest of impartiality, I’m working on the development of a list of insults for underweight individuals.

• Gaunt Galoot
• Bony Pony
• Scrawny Screwball
• Cadaverous Cretin
• Malnourished Malcontent
• Skelatal Skank
• Undernourished Underling
• Rawboned Rickety-Ass
• Lascivious Lightweight
• Thin Tin Tin
• Lanky Lunatic
• Bulimic Blockhead
• Emaciated Imbecile
• Twisted Twig
• Featherweight Freak
• Haggard Hag
• Peaked Pencilneck
• Slinky Stinkie
• Dainty D-Bag
• Beanstalk Blockhead
• Twiggy Twit
• Anarexic Asswipe
• Gangly Gargoyle
• Skinny Skunkbottom
• Skinny Ninny
• Lanky & Stanky
• Puny Punk
• Bulemic Bonehead
• Stringy Stringbean
• Slinky Stinky
• Shriveled Shrew
• Skin-and-Bonehead
• Slimpleton

Please feel free to chime in with your own insults (as if you weren’t going to anyway…).