Dammit, I Forgot the Clever Headline Again!

As I was walking around the neighborhood, I noticed a little old man lazily rocking in a chair on his porch.

I approached him, holding up a hand in greeting.

“I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,” I remarked. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

 “Go ahead,” he answered.

“What's your secret for a long happy life?” I asked, taking a seat on the porch steps to await his reply.

“Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he started. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, I eat fatty fried foods most every day… oh, and I never, ever exercise.”

“That's amazing,” I said. “Wait… just how old are you?”

“Twenty-six,” he replied.

"The doctor of the future will give no medicines,
but will interest his patients in the care of the
human frame, in diet, and in the causes
and prevention of disease."
~Thomas Edison


The Ultimate Healthy Father's Day Gift Guide

• Fitbit necktie

• Wallet made of beef jerky

• Conversion kit that turns his favorite recliner into an elliptical

• Belt with vitamin dispenser

• Tie made of kale

• Kettlebell made from Civil War cannonball

• No-wheel lawn mower

• Soup-on-a-rope

• Manual weedwhacker that works by simply spinning it around really, really fast

• Deer-antler helmet to wear hunting (encourages lots of movement)

• Set of wheatgrass shot glasses

• Subscription to his favorite blog * hint hint *

Did You Catch Me on the Today Show?

Lauer: Jack Sh*t, good morning. Nice to see you.

Jack: Nice to see you, too.

Lauer: You've had a busy week. All the headlines, top trending item on Twitter, you resigned your post at the NAAFP… ummm, what does that stand for again?

Jack: National Association for the Advancement of Fit People.

Lauer: Yeah, ummm… we checked that out and that's not really a thing. Anyhow, you started a discussion on fitness and what it means in this country. Did this come as a surprise to you or did you always expect the lid would be blown off your story at some point? The fact that you’re actually pretty much of a lard-ass…

Jack: The timing of it was a shock. I mean, wow. The timing was completely unexpected. As to the second question, I did feel that at some point I would need to address the complexity of my identity as a really fit person.

Lauer: Let me just say, we can't talk about the big picture that you have created without talking about the small picture first. Let me just ask you the question in simple terms again, because you've sent mixed signals over the years—are you a really fit person?

Jack: I identify as fit.

Lauer: You identify as fit. Let me put a picture up of you though, and when you see this picture, is this a fit person, or is that a person who shops in the plus-sized section?

Jack: Well, that’s not really a very flattering angle…

Lauer: Is he a fit person or he Blubber McNuggets?

Jack: I would say that visibly he would be identified as obese by people who see him.

Lauer: But at the time were you identifying yourself as fit?

Jack: In that picture, during that time, no.

Lauer: Ummm… that was this morning.

Jack: Well, at least I didn’t say I was an African-American lady like that other lady!

Gone Fishing

Dammit! Why
didn't anybody tell me that
fishing only burns six
calories per hour?!?!?

Healthy-Healthy Health Tips (for Your Health!)

• When opening a can of whoop-ass, make sure and choose a whoop-ass that's low in fat, sugar and sodium.

• You can make greek yogurt have fewer calories by not using a Snickers bar as a spoon to eat it.

• To make pizza healthier, try eating something else.

• When you’re at a restaurant, remember this little rhyme: “If you order the entire menu, I’m going to  unfriend you.”

• Instead of squandering a lot of money of a fancy, store-bought enema, why not just stay constipated forever? Oh, because you’ll die. Good answer, good answer….

• Instead of eating birthday cake, try eating just a slice of birthday cake.

• A healthy afternoon snack is a hamper full of nuts. They provide… what? A handful? Are you kidding me?

• An easy way to improve your posture is to stand up straight, dumbass.

• If you're at a party where they have one of those chocolate fountains, it's a good idea not to do what you're thinking about doing right this second.

• Eat twice as often, eat half as much and chew twice as long. Or eat half as often, twice as much and… oh, forget it; YOU NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD I BLOG.

I Confess...

“C'mon, Jack,” the cop growled. “I know you did it. You know you did it. Angry Eddie knows you did it...”

“YOU DID IT! FESS UP, YOU JERKWAD!”



“Ease up, Angry Eddie. Jack’s gonna talk.”



“Is this that ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing I’ve heard so much about?”

“NO, IT'S NOT, YOU STUPID IDIOT!”



“Easy there, Angry Eddie. Jack, what Angry Eddie was trying to say is that you might as well fess up.”



“I don't know what you’re talking about.”



“Time.”



“Huh?”

“HE SAID “TIME”, YOU EFFING MORON.”



“I know he said ‘time’, Officer Angry Eddie. I just don't know what he meant by it.”



“I meant that you're guilty of killing time.”

“Killing time?”



“That's right. Squandering the relatively small allotment of time you have on this Earth.”



“I don't understand...”

“Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey once said, ‘Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.’”

“Okay, but who the hell is Elizabeth Forsy...” 

“Listen, Jack. It’s time for you to get serious about reaching your goals. Time for you to start pushing forward to achieve your hopes and dreams.”



“Are you gonna put me in prison?”



“Son, I'm trying to get you out of prison.”



“Right, uhhh... thank you.”

“UMMMM, CAN I BEAT HIM WITH MY NIGHTSTICK NOW?”

Jack Does Mother Goose (Wow, That Sounds Dirty!)

Goosey Goosey Goose

Goosey Goosey Goose, always making some excuse.
“I’m too tired, I’m too sore, I can’t work out anymore.
I’ve got houseguests, I’ve got a job, my kids are underfoot.”
And then doesn’t understand it when all the pounds stay put.

Yesterday Upon the Scale




Yesterday upon the scale 

I saw a weight that make me wail.
And so I changed the things I do.
Today I saw a loss. Woo hoo!



Sing a Song of Six Pounds

Sing a song of six pounds,

A loss upon the scale
.
Four and twenty workouts
.
That plus eating well.
When the month was over,

The results could not be clearer
.
Isn’t that a fitter dude

He sees there in the mirror?

Not-So-Simple Simon

Simple Simon met a pieman,

When he was at the mall.

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“I’ll take an extra small.”

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

“You can supersize it for a 25¢ charge.”

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“How do you think I got so large?”

Solomon Chunky

Solomon Chunky,
Began on Monday,
Chinese on Tuesday,
Buffet on Wednesday,
Happy Hour Thursday,
Pizza on Friday,
Dieted on Saturday,
Gained on Sunday,
Nothing ends For Solomon Chunky

Slow, Slow, Slow Your Bloat

Slow, slow, slow your bloat.
Don’t eat so much ice cream.
Healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy.
Live the life you dream.