Scene at
world headquarters for McDonald’s…
McCEO: “Listen,
people. Our company reported a larger-than-expected drop in profits last
week. Net income for the third quarter fell 30% from a year ago.”
McFlacky: “We know
that, sir. What’s your point?”
McCEO: “My point
is that these are desperate times and they say that there are no dumb ideas. To
test that idea, I’ve brought in health and wellness blogger Jack Sh*t to get
his ideas on helping turn things around.”
Jack: “Thank
you. As many of you know, a growing percentage of the population has become
more knowledgeable about health concerns centered around fast food.”
McCEO: “Of
course we know that; we’ve starting putting calorie counts on all our menu
items.”
Jack: “And that
may be the key to the downturn in business; folks are seeing those whopping
calorie numbers and…”
McCEO: “Ahem… we
don’t say ‘whopping’ around here, Jack…”
Jack: “My bad.
But my point is that I think you could tweak your menu a bit and spike sales.”
McCEO: “We’re
all ears.”
Jack: “Well,
first I’d introduce the ‘Quarter Quarter-Pounder’. It has a quarter of the fat
and calories of a regular Quarter-Pounder.”
McCEO: “So
it’s…”
Jack: “Yeah,
it’s a regular Quarter-Pounder cut in four pieces. And then I’d change up the
French fries so that they’re not French-fried.”
McCEO: “I’m not
so sure…
Jack: “And then
I’ve got an idea for a vegetarian version of the McRib sandwich.”
McCEO: “Ummmm…
technically the McRib doesn’t currently have any meat in it.”
Jack: “And I’d
replace the ‘Happy Meal’ with a ‘Jacky Meal’.
McCEO: “‘Jacky
Meal’?”
Jack: “Yeah, it’s
just a box of lettuce and a funny toy. And I recommend making some changes to
the ‘Big Mac’.
McCEO: “Lemme
guess: Shrink it and call it a ‘Not-So-Big Mac’.”
Jack: “Close…
I’d change name to a ‘No Mac’ and just serve empty Styrofoam container. I
realize it’s not so great for the environment, but I think obesity’s a more
pressing problem…”
McCEO: Okay,
well… I think we have the general gist of how you suggest we proceed. Please
accept this as a consulting fee.
Jack:
A coupon for a free Egg McMuffin?
McFlacky: Well, with the purchase of an Egg McMuffin. Ummmm, is that a bucket
of kale in your lap?”
Jack:
“Yeah, I’ve got a meeting at KFC right after this…”
