Scene at world headquarters for McDonald’s…
McCEO: “Listen, people. Our company reported a larger-than-expected drop in profits last week. Net income for the third quarter fell 30% from a year ago.”
McFlacky: “We know that, sir. What’s your point?”
McCEO: “My point is that these are desperate times and they say that there are no dumb ideas. To test that idea, I’ve brought in health and wellness blogger Jack Sh*t to get his ideas on helping turn things around.”
Jack: “Thank you. As many of you know, a growing percentage of the population has become more knowledgeable about health concerns centered around fast food.”
McCEO: “Of course we know that; we’ve starting putting calorie counts on all our menu items.”
Jack: “And that may be the key to the downturn in business; folks are seeing those whopping calorie numbers and…”
McCEO: “Ahem… we don’t say ‘whopping’ around here, Jack…”
Jack: “My bad. But my point is that I think you could tweak your menu a bit and spike sales.”
McCEO: “We’re all ears.”
Jack: “Well, first I’d introduce the ‘Quarter Quarter-Pounder’. It has a quarter of the fat and calories of a regular Quarter-Pounder.”
McCEO: “So it’s…”
Jack: “Yeah, it’s a regular Quarter-Pounder cut in four pieces. And then I’d change up the French fries so that they’re not French-fried.”
McCEO: “I’m not so sure…
Jack: “And then I’ve got an idea for a vegetarian version of the McRib sandwich.”
McCEO: “Ummmm… technically the McRib doesn’t currently have any meat in it.”
Jack: “And I’d replace the ‘Happy Meal’ with a ‘Jacky Meal’.
McCEO: “‘Jacky Meal’?”
Jack: “Yeah, it’s just a box of lettuce and a funny toy. And I recommend making some changes to the ‘Big Mac’.
McCEO: “Lemme guess: Shrink it and call it a ‘Not-So-Big Mac’.”
Jack: “Close… I’d change name to a ‘No Mac’ and just serve empty Styrofoam container. I realize it’s not so great for the environment, but I think obesity’s a more pressing problem…”
McCEO: Okay, well… I think we have the general gist of how you suggest we proceed. Please accept this as a consulting fee.
Jack: A coupon for a free Egg McMuffin?
McFlacky: Well, with the purchase of an Egg McMuffin. Ummmm, is that a bucket of kale in your lap?”
Jack: “Yeah, I’ve got a meeting at KFC right after this…”