Drink This In...

Lean Legs and Ass

I am Sh*t.

Sh*t I am.

That Sh*t-I-am!
That Sh*t-I-am!
What do you want now, Sh*t-I-am?

Do you want
Lean legs and ass?

Sure, I want them, Sh*t-I-am.
I do not like
Fat legs and ass.

Would you like them
Here or there?

Yes, I’d like them
Here or there.
Of course, I’d like them anywhere.
I would like
Lean legs and ass.
I sure would like them, Sh*t-I-am.

Would you like them in a Mercedes Benz?
Would you like them to show your friends?

*sigh* Yes, I would like them
In a Mercedes Benz.
I would like them
To show my friends.
I would like them
Here or there.
I would like them
Anywhere.
Yes, I’d like
Lean legs and ass.
Why won’t you listen,
Sh*t-I-am?

Would you like them
At the gym?
Would you like them
When you swim?

Yes, at the gym.
Sí, when I swim.
Mercedes Benz
Or with my friends.
Of course, I’d like them
Here or there.
My God, I’d like them anywhere.
I would like lean legs and ass.
Please no more questions, Sh*t-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
Change your ways?
Move more! Eat less!
All your days?

I would not,
Could not,
Change my ways.

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like to
Work out with me.

I do not like to get all wet.
I do not like to break a sweat.
I do not like to jump and jiggle.
I do not like it when others giggle.
I do not like to here or there.
I do not like to anywhere.
I do not want to give a damn.
I do not wat to, Sh*t-I-am.

A DVD! A DVD!
A DVD! A DVD!
Could you, would you
Do a workout DVD?

Not Muscle Max! Not Ab Attacks!
Not Power Bodies! Not Hot Pilates!
I would not, could not, do Workout Winners!
I won’t do Nude Zumba for Beginners.
I won’t do Yoga for Stretchy Womens.
Not Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons.
I will not do them here or there.
I will not do them anywhere.
I do not like them, Sh*t-I-am.

Say!
Weight Watchers?
Meet at Weight Watchers!
Would you, could you, do Weight Watchers?

I would not, could not,
do Weight Watchers.


I do not like that,
Sh*t-I-am.

You say you want change.
HERE’S your chance.
Try it! Try it!
Take a stance.
Give yourself a kick in the pants.

Sh*t!
If you will let me be,
I will try it all.
You will see…

(Three months later…)

Say!
I like lean legs and ass!
I do!! I like them, Sh*t-I-am!
And I like them when I'm in the gym.
And I like them when I swim.
And I like them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
They feel so good, so good you see!
I like them in a Mercedes Benz.
And I like to show them to my friends.
And I like them here and there.
Say! I like them EVERYWHERE!

I do so like
Lean legs and ass!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Sh*t-I-am.

Mind Games

I firmly believe that 90% of this weight-loss business is mental, and that if you can win the battle with your brain, your chances of success are a great deal higher.

With that in mind, here are some mental “games” you can play to help keep you dialed in and focused on the task at hand…

• When you’re at the gym, pretend that one of the other people there is a murderer. Ask questions to the people around you and see if you can guess who it is (hint: the murderer likes the treadmill).
• Try e-a-t-i-n-g in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.
• Whenever you’re in a restaurant, imagine disgruntled, low-paid employees are in the back spitting on your food (if it helps you, there probably really are disgruntled, low-paid employees in the back spitting on your food).
• You = Godzilla. Baby carrots = screaming Asians.
• Give yourself a point every time you don’t eat a corn chip.
• You’ll get a better workout from a highly motivated personal trainer, so before your session, inform your PT that you just keyed up his or her car.
• Think of yourself as a real-life Ms. Pac-Man; you should eat healthy food (like cherries) and go running every day (so ghosts don’t catch and kill you).
• Every time you get an email, drink an 8 oz. glass of water.
• Imagine that fresh ripe succulent fruit is something delicious instead.
• Work out with your imaginary friend Sergio and his pet Chihuahua Miss Tizzy.
• Run a mile every time you use a swear word.
• It’s more exciting if you think of your salad as actually being in 3-D.